Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

It's been awhile since I last posted but no change for the better, unfortunatley. I am no longer wearing my wedding ring as of a few days ago. My H is not wearing his and I felt stupid taking it on and off and like I'm in denial about this upcoming divorce. I in fact, said to a stranger "I'm going through a divorce right now" which shocked me in retrospect, but I guess I am starting to (have to) embrace that truth.

I've ordered some books from amazon about coping while going through a divorce, because not only is my spouse getting more and more silent as the days go by, he has not relented one iota since he made up his mind that we are through.

I put in the court order that we resume Marriage Counseling as well as attend a weekend marriage workshop run by professionals (Getting the Love you Want wkshp based on Harville Hendrix, Phds book by the same name). The good news is that we have a court date set up much sooner than I'd been led to believe, at the end of next month, in which to see what the court commissioner decideds about my requests for these things, plus maintenance, and most importantly to me, to stop spending money like water, as he's been doing. No one can make him talk to me, but it would be great to have another "rational" & "outside party" tell him that he's given up way too soon and is being ridiculous and recommend MC and the weekend Wkshp, but I have put it up to God at this point, and can do no more on that front legally.

On my own though, I can get better at the DR and focus on my stuff outssweide the marriage, because it all seems to be falling apart right at the same time (of course)! I lost it last week and that's because I was overstressed by some additional problems being added to the overtaxed burden I'm already carrying right now, and I hadn't been exercising to relieve the stress as I definatley need to. So I had a mini fit here at the house and was kicking the kitchen cabinets like a 2 year old as well as fuming and swearing and stomping around. I'm not proud of my behavior, but it is what it is, and I wknow I've got to continue to try to take care of myself and my needs day to day to thwart future displays of frustration and anger.

Every time I think I've reached the all time high for stress, another thing starts to implode. The good thing about all of this is that I'm getting much calmer day to day at things that might have made me freak out before. I am also spending more time giving back to others who have it much worse off than me and spent the week giving blood as well as attending a Habitat for Humanity volunteer orientation and finally worked for a few hours as a volunteer at a community festival.

Next week I'm excited because I'm going to volunteer for H4H during the week two times doing new construction since I'm still not back to work (one of my major stressors). I've long wanted to try to volunteer for H4H, a noble cause, so not only does it help me focus on the truly needy folks, but it is helping me GAL by fullfilling one of my life goals that doesnt' cost me a dime!

I'm also overwhelmed because a guy I dated (it's too much of a stretch to say ex-bf, cause we weren't that intimate) has asked me repeatedly if I want to move in with him. At the same time, he knows my situation and agrees that it wouldn't make sense to do so until I try my last major effort (the MC/workshop) in court at the end of August. He and I have done no more than a very casual kiss at this point, and last night I called him on the dichotomy of this intimacy disagreement and he kind of freaked out (again), saying that "I'm married" (duh!) and that he shouldn't get involved, etc. I've been really trying to be really upfront and honest with him along the way, and I know he's in a really difficult position right now, but I think it's only fair to call it as I see it, especially in this circumstance and ask him to please explain his feelings to me.

I would be asking him this regardless of my situation were I to see this same behavior if we were normal, single people dating, and I need to remind him of this point when I next see him/talk to him. That's supposed to be this morning, but we'll see what happens after his mini-freak out last night. I shouldn't have called him while he was out with his friends, but once I knew I did say "don't worry about it", but he did, calling me back and asking if I was mad at him. I can't wait till it is later in the morning so I can call him and tt him. I always get up early in the morning when I'm stressed about something, and this mornign was no exception. The only exceptiion is that instead of being upset about my D or my H, it's about someone completely different.

I am trying my damnest to be completely upfront and honest about everything with this guy because I have to for my sanity and his right now. I just don't want to repeat any of the crap I'm going through right now with my husband with anyone else, ever. Better to err on the side of TMI than less, right?

In the meantime, I will continue to GAL as well as pray for my H to see the reality of our situation and want to start working at it again.

Take care, you wonderful, supportive folks out there. I can't tell you enough how great this is to be able to "talk" to you all and know you "get it" during this rough time.