A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

About a week ago, I had just returned from a job interview and apartment hunting in H's town. On the drive back home, I stopped at a fast food place and gave myself a horrendous case of food poisoning. It struck in the middle of the night, and by 10 am, I was weak in bed, groping for the phone between trips to the bathroom. I called H to tell him I was sick on the off chance that the offending food item had come from his fridge and not the fast food place. He didn't answer, so I left a message.

He called back within about 10 minutes, his voice full of concern. I asked if he and the kidlet (who is with him on visitation) were ok, and he said the two of them were fine. Then he chatted lightly about taking the kidlet and a friend to the beach the day before. Kidlet was exhausted and grumpy by the end of the day, but they had a great time and to dispel the grumpies, H introduced the kidlet to Monty Python's The Holy Grail. Kidlet loved it, rolling and kicking laughing on the couch at the scene with the Black Knight.

"Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

H and I quoted a few more lines together and shared a good laugh. I've been wanting to reconcile for awhile now, but the Monty Python moment was this wonderful epiphany for me about how compatible we are. I mean, there I was, weak and feverish from food poisoning and in the lull between vomit sessions and we're sharing this delightful moment of geeky humor. Yep, the man who can tell you Monty Python jokes while you're throwing up? That is SO the right man for me to be with.

So here's a quickie on the details. He's 38 and I'm 42, married for 15 years on our next anniversary and together for about 19 years. We met in college when he was barely 18 and were casual friends, then good friends, for about three years before we started dating. I'm not entirely sure, but I think I'm a walk-away wife. I didn't ever plan the walking away though. In fact, I never even said the D-word until I discovered he was having an affair with the wife half of the couple we thought of as our best friends - and the woman who was my confidant when he and I started having problems.

Looking back, I was over-hasty in my decision and acting out of hurt, shock and anger. Going to my mother's for a week or two to get my head straight would have been a good idea, maybe even a month or two - but leaving for good was over the top. To be fair, he and I had been having problems for over a year and both of us were hurting, needy, lonely and just aching to have someone, anyone, tell us were were wonderful, attractive and worthy of love. We were both vulnerable for an affair and I have to admit that I had an emotional one as well.

We've been separated for two years, and I've known that I wanted to reconcile for the last year and a half of it. I started the divorce proceedings, but after the initial anger-fuelled filing, I continued the process not because I wanted to, but because there was so much pressure from so many people (sometimes including him) to finalize it.

Continuing the paperwork process (there were no lawyers) against my will was soul-rending, and I thank the stars above that the papers got kicked back so many times that we're not actually divorced yet. I have told him that I can't proceed with it anymore, that it's not what I want and it's destroying me to do it. If he really wants to be divorced, then HE needs to be the one to divorce ME and we'll see if he can bring himself to do it.

I huge part of me wants to file a dismissal. In fact, I know that's the right thing to do for me. But I'm afraid he'll be angry about it and it will make things worse between us.

So back to this trip to where he lives... We live about 200 miles apart, but in the same state. I love his town, and even if we finish the split, it's where I'd like to be. I also hate my town. I landed a job interview up where he lives, and he said I could stay at the house for a few days to do the interview and apartment hunt. He said he wanted me to be closer and it would be good to have me back in town. He does not, however, want me to move back into the house, and at least verbally, he says he thinks we should finalize the divorce.

The weekend I was there was absolutely great. We laughed, we cooked together, we went out to dinner, watched movies on the couch, etc. Both of us admitted we still found the other attractive and that we were restraining urges to be physically affectionate. Him out of hurt, fear and anger (I think?) and me out of respect for where he's at and out of not wanting to push him away.

So I want my marriage back (the alcohol problems are over) and while he's ambivalent about it, I think he wants it back too - he's just not ready to admit it yet.

So there's the quick version. I've been reading this sitge and Michelle's blog and I just ordered two of her books - can't wait to get them.

Here's the issue immediately at hand - how do I handle contact between us? Right after I left, he was starting to email me to tell me little stories about the kidlet's day, etc and there was this huge blossoming of contact. We're both Harry Potter fans, so I asked him if I should go see the movie myself, or if we should wait and see it as a family. He told me to go by myself and that email felt... different, colder. So I must have hit a landmine somewhere and he's retreated back into defensiveness. So I stopped initiating contact unless it was necessary and things have ground to a halt again. So I wait... right?

I've already read a lot of things about working on me (been doing that for a year and a half!), being positive, 180s and not talking about the relationship unless he wants to.

So what else should I be doing?

Oh yeah - and Hi, everybody! I'm new here.

Cheers,

Dia