I`m still not sure if H in an affair or not. He`s giving me NO reason to trust him-phone switched off/on silent/on his person all the time.
Disappears for hours just saying "I`m going into town". Goes for walks on his own(something he NEVER did before) caught him on his mobile yesterday but he pretended he was rubbing his neck and looked as guilty as hell when I drove by.Spending money like new time on himself. Yes, OUR money.
He had a fling with a co worker 18mths ago. So, yeah, previous history goes against him.
Just taking note of it here. Confronted him yesterday(gently, I don`t attack like I used to in the past) and he admitted that he lies all the time. That lying is second nature to him and that he`ll lie sooner than tell the truth. Big lies, little lies, at work, at his football club, to family anyone.
That bothers me as much as the possibility of him having an A bothers me. Basically there`s no trust there at all.
I listened to his confession and just looked stright into his eyes and thought Who the heck are you. I didn`t DB enough-I was just too shocked. But last night I did send him a text thanking him for his honesty in our conversation(oh, the irony of it!) acknowledging that it was a difficult thing to do,wishing him a good night out with his brothers and telling him to stay over esp if he`d been drinking.
Didn`t get any acknowledgement of that text. Yeah, I know its not LRT to text but I`m LRTing for the last 3 months and it`s a 180 for me to send a text like that at this stage.
My family think I`m nuts to even bother with H.
His mother rang me last night to see how things were.(she knows we`re having trouble but doesn`t know the half of it, H told her) I just told her her guess was as good as mine and switched subject.A couple of his brothers visited at the weekend. Hadn`t seen them for a few months and, although they know about our troubles, it didn`t come up for discussion but I reckon they`re as puzzled about H as I am.
DS11 has been asking questions lately-Are you and Dad going to get a divorce? Does Dad love you any more? You and Dad argued like that once(Phew, he only heard us once!)
I know he`s puzzling it all out too and I`m trying to be with him through this though I won`t lie and pretend we`re in a rosy garden. Wish I could give him more security about our future as a family. Its something I fret about a lot.
It all feels very much like someone cutting off one of my limbs very slowly, stopping and starting again, stiching it up, then sawing again.
Very wearing.
Can`t help thinking I might be better off to have him out of the house.
Ok, just taking note of all that here-don`t need a response. I`m praying every day, going off to my special place to meditate, going to my wonderful therapist(though she`s on hols this week, damn!). Confiding in the real world just down to two people, my sis and a very dear GF who`s been through her own marital wars, has come out the other end with marriage intact and is hugely supportive of my DBing efforts.
At this stage since LRT is going stale I probably need a whole new set of 180s. and a whole new Last Resort Technique!
