Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thinker, do you set aside some time to be alone and friendly with your wife? Do you do things that you both enjoy together sometimes? Can you increase the frequency of those times?

Short answer is yes.

We try to eat dinner together most nights - sometimes as a family (which is stressful with the boys), but many nights together after we get the kids in bed.

We also have a standing babysitter on Thursday nights. That gets canceled sometimes due to conflicts, but we do go out probably every other Thursday.

Most times when we go out, my W elects to do something that requires minimal interaction - going to a movie, etc. If we go to dinner, or a bar, etc. my W starts looking very uncomfortable, stops looking at me, stops talking (one word responses), and things get generally uncomfortable.


I have also been trying (unsuccessfully so far) to get us back out doing athletic outdoor stuff together again. Right now we either do that individually, or with 3 needy kids in tow, so there is never any togetherness.

Whether it is true or not (mindreading...) I feel like my W is full of negative emotions, and whenever we are together, she projects them all onto me. Yesterday we were together, the sun was shining, the boys were playing, we were having a nice meal and a nice glass of wine and I was really happy. I looked at her, really focused on her, and smiled. She looked taken aback and asked "Why are you smiling at me?", to which I replied "Because the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, the boys are playing, and I'm happy". She broke down crying and asked "Then why does that just make me feel so miserable?"

As Alex said in his post, this is not due to current issues. The old issues were there, but I made those changes. I don't work or travel as much, my priorities are with the family, I am a lot more involved in family life...and I made a lot of these changes pre-bomb.

So if it is due to me, it is left over from the years when I was a workaholic.