WAW Using God

[SDFoundGirl]

Call her EA what it is: an affair. I avoided doing that, avoided confronting until about a year after the bomb, and my H honestly thinks he did nothing wrong and (since his feelings have changed to only friendship *roll eyes here*) should be able to continue a limited friendship.

He refuses to accept the word affair now, no matter what I show him about EAs (and his was one sided, though women know these things and I know she sucked up the attention for her pathetic ego). I am 3-years past bomb, and we are still dealing with limited contact, and I think a lot of that is because I played his game and didn't call it what it was from the start.

I told him last night that he needed to choose: no contact, or get the F out of my house, because I didn't care about "less", I only cared about none. If he was going to put that friendship--no matter HOW innocent--over my feelings and our M, I didn't want him in my life. No matter how he thinks I should feel.

Call it what it is. Don't avoid it. It's wrong BECAUSE IT'S DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR R. Period. No matter how innocent it might be.

Truth should never be feared. Truth, always, should be embraced. Your W is putting this R above her M, period.

SD

[hoosiermama]

what makes a relationship an emotional affair? most people agree on the following components:
-secrecy
-emotional intimacy that takes on greater importance than that in the marital relationship
-sexual tension (acknowledged or not)

how would she respond to these statements?
You are withdrawing from your spouse.
You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.

if these aspects are present, then you are completely justified in calling a spade a spade--and an emotional affair an affair.

[pigskin]

Okay...I went back and deleted the post I almost sent b/c I do not want to come across as being disrespectful--when I’m trying to talk to “you” about respect. Whether you choose to look at her small gift as a bribe or not....it was, and I believe she intended it to work as a bribe to make you calm down after you told her what you did. Did you not find that odd that she bought you something "after" you spoke about the OM? Furthermore, she does not respect you as her H.

No problem on any post seeming disrespectful. I know you are only trying to help.

I do believe that her feelings may have started with a sense of gratitude or admiration and OM did not protect her as a young convert. I hope you know what I’m trying to say. It "should" have been like a teacher-student type of R. So, I am thinking that he may have been the one to take advantage here, or for sure....gave in to his temptations toward her. Man, that's awful. It's enough to really mess with her head, isn't it?

He was the one to first reveal feelings toward the other, so yes, it is pretty bad.

As an almost WAW, I would encourage you to ask yourself in every situation, "Will my W have respect for me if I do this or say this?"

Thanks for the comments Sandi.

We continued our conversation and it got to the point of me saying "It is your decision to leave the family or stay. I am not restraining you."

I told her she has a choice between the family and the OM, but she can't have both. I am not and will not be held responsible for the decision. And I will do everything I can to keep the kids if she decides to leave, since neither they nor I are unhappy in the family, SHE is. So we're not the ones walking out.

She was pretty upset and crying, thinking I was forcing her to stay due to my stance on the kids, but I told her I'm not doing anything of the sort. My position is the same as what I feel God's position is.

We ended the discussion after she wept a bit. After dinner she said she needed to be away from me so she was going out. I told her that's fine.

[pigskin]

Call her EA what it is: an affair. I avoided doing that, avoided confronting until about a year after the bomb, and my H honestly thinks he did nothing wrong and (since his feelings have changed to only friendship *roll eyes here*) should be able to continue a limited friendship.

He refuses to accept the word affair now, no matter what I show him about EAs (and his was one sided, though women know these things and I know she sucked up the attention for her pathetic ego). I am 3-years past bomb, and we are still dealing with limited contact, and I think a lot of that is because I played his game and didn't call it what it was from the start.

I told him last night that he needed to choose: no contact, or get the F out of my house, because I didn't care about "less", I only cared about none. If he was going to put that friendship--no matter HOW innocent--over my feelings and our M, I didn't want him in my life. No matter how he thinks I should feel.

Call it what it is. Don't avoid it. It's wrong BECAUSE IT'S DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR R. Period. No matter how innocent it might be.

Truth should never be feared. Truth, always, should be embraced. Your W is putting this R above her M, period.

SD

Yep, thanks SDFoundGirl. I intend to call it that from now on.

[pigskin]

what makes a relationship an emotional affair? most people agree on the following components:
-secrecy
-emotional intimacy that takes on greater importance than that in the marital relationship
-sexual tension (acknowledged or not)

how would she respond to these statements?
You are withdrawing from your spouse.
You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.

if these aspects are present, then you are completely justified in calling a spade a spade--and an emotional affair an affair.

Yes, it fits all the criteria and we both know it is an EA. I just had not really pounded the "affair" term at her. But I'm starting to.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She will HATE it, btw. She'll respond like a vampire with holy water poured on him.

[Kettricken]

It sounds like you've changed your stance on this somewhat already .... but I just wanted to point out that, according to the Gospels, Jesus *rarely* hesitated to call a spade a spade whether dealing with friends or foes. Anyone who sees fit to address a beloved follower as Satan under provocation certainly didn't suffer from undue mealiemouthedness. Not to mention all the "hypocrites" and "offsprings of vipers". Obviously, I'm being extreme to make a point ... there are so many examples of his compassion and patience with stupidity as well .... I'm just sayin'. He clearly wasn't afraid to call it as he saw it.

[pigskin]

It sounds like you've changed your stance on this somewhat already .... but I just wanted to point out that, according to the Gospels, Jesus *rarely* hesitated to call a spade a spade whether dealing with friends or foes. Anyone who sees fit to address a beloved follower as Satan under provocation certainly didn't suffer from undue mealiemouthedness. Not to mention all the "hypocrites" and "offsprings of vipers". Obviously, I'm being extreme to make a point ... there are so many examples of his compassion and patience with stupidity as well .... I'm just sayin'. He clearly wasn't afraid to call it as he saw it.

Thanks Kettricken. It helps to hear that. It's against my nature to say anything to my wife that I know will hurt her, but in an EA situation, I guess tough love is mandatory.

[SDFoundGirl]

She will HATE it, btw. She'll respond like a vampire with holy water poured on him.

That's the truth. If there's one thing guaranteed to make my H's head spin, it's *that* word...and we're reconciled. It doesn't fit in with their martyrdom.

SD

[hoosiermama]

It sounds like you've changed your stance on this somewhat already .... but I just wanted to point out that, according to the Gospels, Jesus *rarely* hesitated to call a spade a spade whether dealing with friends or foes. Anyone who sees fit to address a beloved follower as Satan under provocation certainly didn't suffer from undue mealiemouthedness. Not to mention all the "hypocrites" and "offsprings of vipers". Obviously, I'm being extreme to make a point ... there are so many examples of his compassion and patience with stupidity as well .... I'm just sayin'. He clearly wasn't afraid to call it as he saw it.

Thanks Kettricken. It helps to hear that. It's against my nature to say anything to my wife that I know will hurt her, but in an EA situation, I guess tough love is mandatory.

it isn't even so much "tough love" as refusing to buy into their delusion, denial, and projections. you don't have to wave it in her face, necessarily, but not backing down from the truth when it's presented is empowering. to this day, H refuses to acknowledge to me that there's an OW, and we're now divorced and D13 has to deal with her. it's a very bizarre set of mental gymnastics.