First of all I want you to know that I really....really understand. Anything I say will mostly be from the POV of a WAW. Although, it did help when you explained yourself better in this last post... I would not be surprised that that has not been a lot of problems in the past.....the communication between you and W. Apparently the two of you are very different from each other, and if so...that's okay b/c that is why you were attracted to each other. Heard a teacher explain that once and it was a fasinating subject!
The first thing you must do is to get control of your emotions. There is only one person's emotions you control and that is your own. (I know you realize all of this, but play along with me to make me feel better.) Nobody else can affect your emotions unless "you" allow it. That was a particular hard lesson for me to learn! Still have a lot of problems with it, but keep trying. But it is so true and it will not only cause you to feel more in control, but it will actually give you a sense of peace knowing that you are in control of yourself. You may not be able to control the stitch or another person.....but you can yourself. The point is, that you focus on "you" at this time and don't make everything about her. By that I mean, don't be afraid to set a boundary based on what "you" can live with and what you can't. You don't worry whether she'll get mad, won't like it, cry or pitch a fit. If she doesn't like it, then that is "her" problem to deal with, but you have to do what you know you can handle. You begin to think about things in life that "you" enjoy doing. You start putting GAL before you wonder if she's home or out with OM. Does that make sense? I'm not suggesting you become some type of self-centered jerk, but at the moment, your mind is so focused in on her and the stitch that you are not very attractive to her....to be perfectly honest. The thing that will help you become attractive is to get your attention off of her! Strange, huh? How will you do that? By setting goals to keep your mind occupied. Have your weekends or days off work as full as possible. Stay busy at night. You can have activities centered around the kids, but when they are with her.....you get a personal life with friends or doing hobbies, etc.
The next thing is to realize that most women have a problem letting go of things that happened in the past. All these things you've told me that you have brought up to her and explained.......I can nearly promise you that she's not let it go and she still resents it. Just b/c you explained something or even b/c you apologized does not mean she was able to lay it down and not resent it. Think about it. It is a huge symptom of WAW's. (Have you read the article on WAW's by Michele? It's here on the site.) If your W is ever able to go home and have a happy M, she must let go of past hurts and resentments. Not an easy thing to do, but it's a must!
Your other big goal must be about improving yourself as much as possible. I'm sure you've read all about that. Most of us can do more than we "want" to do! But the main thing is that you do it for yourself and not her....or not a ploy to get her back. Again, that focus must be on your good at this time, so it will stop you from pursuing her and making all the LBH mistakes that are so common. The only way you will do that is to detach from her. It has been told over and over again and again that when the LBS detaches, it will do more to attract the WAS than almost anything else can do. But, the problem is that the LBS does not "want" to detach and he/she keeps clinging on tightly. That pushes the WAS futher away. It is a fact of human nature! So, even though you may not want to detach, think of it as making you more attractive as a man.
Her respect for you as a man and as her H is vital. We women have to respect the man we are in love with b/c the two emotions for us are so intertwined. Men do not have to have the same feelings intertwined, exactly, but then the two ways of thinking and feeling for the sexes are very, very different! So, she must respect you.....and guess who will have to earn that respect? Even if you have lost part of it (either with your help or without it), you can earn it back again. Some men may never know what causes their W's to stop respecting them. It could have something to do with the way you talked to her or a number of things. Having boundaries will put her show of respect toward you into motion. For an example.....her not contacting OM in your presence shows respect. You know you cannot control her contacting OM at all, but she doesn't have to do it in front of you! If you think she should call before she shows up at the house unannounced, then you don't tell her that this is a "boundary".....(you don't tell her you are drawing boundaries).....you tell her what you can or can't live with or what you don't like. You shouldn't say, "I won't have you showing up here without calling first!" But, you could say, "I think I deserve a call before you come by the house." Make it about you and not about what she's doing. Don't fall into her little traps of asking "why". If she's that silly, just look at her for a long time and not say anything! She knows when she's rude or disrespectful.
Don't contact OM. You may want to call him or threaten him or whatever, but it very seldom works. Usually, the OM goes straight to the WAW and tells her and then she's furious with the LBH. Besides, it really makes you look too weak and pathetic. There is little you can do about the two of them except, as I said, don't allow contact with him in your presence. However, you don't have to talk about OM and you don't have to allow "her" to discuss her OM. You said she will not admit to OM and some day, she'll need to admit it, but this is not the time. Until she's ready to discuss working on the M, and the problems that caused the breakdown in the R, I think discussing OM will only lead to a fight. Your part in all of this is to act as if you are not worried by OM/affair. You are too confident and too sharp & sexy and any woman would be a total fool for leaving a guy as cool as you! Right? Right! That is the attitude you need to have. I'm as serious as I can be. If you don't think that way about yourself, then she won't think it either. We are not talking about being arrogant or humble....that is a different sermon...lol. This is not being conceited, even if it sounds like it is. A woman can tell if a man is truly conceited! It is being confident and that is sexy to a woman. So make that your number one goal!
Avoid all R talks.....period. You will know when she's truly ready for the big talk and I don't think it will be very soon. Anyway, you'll be able to tell by the way her face looks and how she sounds and the whole package.
This is another area that LBH's have a great deal of trouble. Men are natural "fixers" and they think if they can fix the problem by discussing it, then everything will be okay. It doesn't work that way. She has bottled a lot of stuff up for a very long time and the more you try to talk about it, the worse it makes the stitch. Now, she will try to drag you into a R talk, but don't take the bait. (Don't even try to convince her to move away from OW b/c she has to see for herself before it will do any good.) Let it be a warning flag everytime she tries to start R talks, and either hang up the phone, walk away, drive away.....whatever it takes to stop the conversation. Hold up your hand in a "stop" position and tell her you are not having a R talk. (BTW, don't tell her where you get your information about this DBing, either. These are your tools and not for her to know b/c it will lose its effectiveness.)
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I also have a suspision about OW
How do you mean that? Do you mean the person she's staying with? Do you think she's enabling your W with this S, or do you think something else?
Don't do anything to enable your W's affair.....if she's having one, and apparently she's having an EA. Outside of helping with the child expenses, I would not enable her financially unless it was some joint bills....unless you want to give her a set amount. I guess it's like the sex issue....everyone has a different opinion about it. Do what makes you feel better. This was her idea to leave the home, not yours, remember that. I knew my H would not & could not give me help for a place to live and that was what actually kept me from leaving. If I had not been involved in an EA, then I would have moved in with my mother. Anyway, I never understood how WAW's could expect their H's to finance their expenses when it was her choice to leave.
I bet your W is very sensitive about how you speak and the choice of words you use. I have learned there is a difference in talking bluntly and losing your cool. So, you can "practice" with your kids in talking more subtle. Well, on second thought....that doesn't work too well with kids.....have to be blunt with them! You'll figure it out.
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Yes I did and and offered it to a higher power.
You did the best thing right there and it will help you stay calm and collected knowing that that power is in charge of handling your worries.....instead of you doing it.
Haven't covered everything by a long shot, but it's a start. I appreciate you telling me what you did. I will try to help as best as I can. I never walked, but I certainly had the mentality of the WAW for a long time and I did have an EA. My H and I are doing good now. I hope that you will be able to tell some positive changes soon.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would not be surprised that that has not been a lot of problems in the past.....the communication between you and W. Apparently the two of you are very different from each other, and if so...that's okay b/c that is why you were attracted to each other. Heard a teacher explain that once and it was a fasinating subject!
