Sandi2, Coach, Puppy and Gucci help!

[Bravehardt]

Sandi

how do you think your W has felt for YEARS & YEARS of having to do this? I saw immediately that she was spread too thin and could not deal with all the demands upon he

I have let her know many times that I understand what she has been feeling.She has told. I agree you.

you do need to be concerned about her mental state. She has undoubtedly had more than she can mentally/emotionally bear.

I have been trying for months to relate to her that I'm here for her, can I help her out with anything. She refuse any thing from me. Says that I can fix anything not this. I/She has suggested C but she pretty much claims it's for me, she said at on point (So you want me to go to C so he can give me a pill and I'll see hearts and stars and fall madly in love with you!) I've talked with her sisters who have said she seem disconnected. I need help with this area! Supermom does need help, we had a system in place that I thought was working, she never voices any complaint or concerens.

The fact that the house started sliding was a sign that she had too much on her shoulders. I think you said something about working and providing for your family and being at "family events", but her work was actually more (in many ways) than what you were doing and she never got to "clock out" and go to a quiet safe place that did not require something of "her". When women went out to the workforce, they took on that job on top of all the jobs at home, they didn't necessarily trade it in. (Not saying you don't see that.....just talking)

Agreed.

I do not think the OM was the original problem, but I see him as a big threat now. However, he is the result of what she is trying to escape. Much like your teenage D, she is trying to find something that will make her feel better, so she is trying to escape to "fantasy land" and each time you make her feel really bad about the stitch, then she's going to run to fantasy land and find OM.

How do I combat this threat? She knows I know about him, but acts like I don't know what I'm talking about? Then tells me to leave the past alone. I also have a suspision about OW. I don't know anything about her at this point, execpt that they used to work together. Some of our freinds have said that she's not the same person they new 4 months ago. I don't know who she hangs out with. She very secretive, the kids think she works 24/7.

Do you see the coldness there? If you are not giving any financial support (or not enough)...and yet you say you could "hire a driver" to take the kids to school? I'm sure you were making a point to her, but you cut her to the quick when you told her that, and it only adds more problems to your stitch. I'm not telling you what to do about the financial support b/c that is not really the issue in this quote......it is how you expressed that to your W as if she was not worth more than a hired hand who was falling down on her job. When you said what you did, she thought if you had money to pay a driver....then you could fork it over

Yes, I've been told that I'm to blunt and that some the words I choose are like throwing daggers at her. I'm working on my responses or saying nothing at all.

As far finacial support she has taken money from our safe once and I have given her some support back in April. My funds are very tight, I'm struggling to cover cost each month but somehow manage.I don't have enough to support her in the sense of paying for an apartment.

My W had been speaking to me for a good month about 50/50 this and that in a very threatening manner, she equated taking the kids to school as her 50% contribution to their visitation or something of that nature. I had confronted her about her coming over to the house unannounced like there was no problem between us(I was still in panic mode at the time). So what was said was in the heat of the moment, raw emotion. My intent was not to fluster her but to understand how the space situation was going to work if she just would drop by. It ended up going in a different direction.

For what it's worth, if I had been in your place, I would have probably thought the same thing as you did, however, I'm telling you about her. You either want to draw her back.....or push her away. You can't have it both ways. If you try to draw her back, then you need to learn how to do that without looking like a whimp or going the other direction and being a jerk.

I'm looking for every opportunity from you to help me understand her point of view. Yes, I want to draw her back. How do I dothis with out looking like a whip?(websters might have a photo of me under whimp) just kidding. I have a lot of emotion to express to her and they come out every couple of weeks.

My first impression of this statement was not very nice. But, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. How exactly do you mean this?

I own a small construction company. I started it before we married. I wore all the hats, in the beggining marketing, sales, design,production sometimes and managing the subs. A lot of blood, sweat and hours. I provided a great life for my family, they did not have worry about anything. As the economy soured and the jobs have become more scarce I've felt that what I have done for 17 year was not apprieciated. We had to cut back some of the fat in our budget (business as well as personal). My W continued to spend like nothing had changed. I have never really done anything for myself in regard to buying something nice just for myself. Every purchase was with the family in mind. Because when I had the time off, they were the who I wanted to spend it with.

I feel that when she pushed all the bills at me and left our home, I was just a cash cow with no more milk. She did contribute to our household with her pay check(a small sum I know). Idid not have any input into how our personal bill were paid, or what percentage if any she use out of her own check. That is my fault I guess, but thats how we've done it from the beginning. She became reckless with the little money she made as well as what I made. She treated the atm card like a credit card and we experience a lot nsf fees. My comments in regards to that spending probablly came off more like me putting her down rather than a thoughtful explination of how we could manage the funds better. I have expressed my regret to her for these comments. All in all I thought that with the difficult times she would have been there to help me out or at least acknowlegde that she was greatful for all I had done over the years. I got so burned out trying to keep everything at the same level as a year ago I kind of burried my head in the sand also. And she know all this, I've told her. She never really acknowledges what I say, it like talking to stone sometimes. She was very upset in Feb. we had an irs levy place on all our bank accounts and her paycheck(which I had release).
So put that on top of everything else. She blamed me for the irs mess since i hired the cpa so long ago. It was an old issue that had sliped threw the cracks I've solved it for now.

Do tell???? (Yes, this is where you said something about being there for all family activities! Well, hooray for you!) And you wonder why she's walked away

The last six year my business was at the point were I was just managing everything and could spend more time with her and the family, unlike in the beginning. We did go out and met with friend but not on a regular basis. she hanndled most of the social events. As far chores around the house I was lacking in those department. I did spend time with the kids and giver her her days alone or girls weekend away. The last 9 months or so just seemed to get a little quite due to lack of extra funds. Her mom move 5 minutes away from us about 6 years ago and was a great help. Its here last surviving parent and I know it was painful for her to she her go downhill, I felt the same way. She changed to meet the circumstances and I was still trying to make the business work like it use to. I've told her this also.

You can stick your head in the sand, but it won't make OM go away. Your W told you to drop it.....so you have. Nice. Don't you know that she will continue contact with OM as long as she can get something out of that R? Don't go off half-cocked before discussing it, but wanted to tell you that you are kidding yourself about this stitch where OM is concerned-- and he lied to you bigger than life.

Yes I did and and offered it to a higher power. How do I confront this sitch with OM? I figured he was just working from script. W possible in on it. I looked at phone records last night and OM is still there. She may even be spending time at his place, by looking at where her calls originate from. I do have intel on his home, but figure unless I could catch them together it was worthless.
I need expert help in this area as well.

So, you try to make her "want" to come to the house so she will "soften" at the idea of being there (or something to that effect) but as soon as she does try to think of it as a place to relax with her child, you begin to interrogate her? (No, I realize you didn't....but she probably felt like you were.) I don't think the home should be the place for a S couple to discuss R topics--if at all possible. Let that place be associated with good memories and a relaxing place to be with her children. If you must, meet at a different location to discuss the stitch

A good friend suggested that I let her come spend the night and leave her and kids alone if needed, which I have done or come back and slept on the coach also. She has been trying to come over and spend the night with the kids once a week now for about 4 weeks(it hasn't work out a couple of times). As far as taking R talks some where else it seems pointless. She will not even look me in the eyes when speeking to me about R and I have requested to meet her and talk but she has refuse. Most of the time she start something in front of the kids, I try to take it outside.

when you took D's side against the W's, she feels that she has lost the battle there and gave up. Now, in her mind's eye, the D6 is all she has left and that's why she is clinging to her

Agreed. I have acknowledge this to her and tried to explain that I felt responsible for putting D 14 in that position and apologized for that unfortunate evening. It isvery hard for me emotionally to see what this does to the 2 older kid, not to mention that once she leaves D 6 magic carpet ride doesn't last forever. It's a challenge each time to deal with each one of their emotions on different levels.

What do you want to navigate......sex?

NOT ALL. She has started to call and be more interested in whats has been going on since Father's Day. Talking with kids, sounding like the person I married. No interest in me until last week, she called me and ask if I would like to meet her at the movies with D 6 on Saturday after she got off work. A high expectation on my behalf. I had gone dark since fathers day. So that Friday she came over, D 6 ask her to stay for dinner and she agreed. Well we were alone in the kitchen and let her know that the door is still open and I'm willing to try and make things work. Her reply was what if they can;t, mine what if they could she said she didn't know. Her back was to me and she turned around to get a pan and we embraced. After that she withdrew and stated that she did not want to stay for dinner, she did go swimming with D 6. I got kind of annoyed and went out from to look at her cars oil level. Came back out by the pool and told her that she need to schedule some time to be with S 17 and D 14 around first of month because me and D 6 would be out of town. The older kid have sport obligations and did not want to go. Well that pretty much ended the movie date. This is where I can't seem to navigate the R talks or going dark or what ever. HELP!

Was this "after" the embrace? I see it as pursuing way over the top. I believe she is looking for your respect more than flowers and a card. Why do men think flowers and a card solve problems for women?

Yes, two days later. It was a hand written letter not a card along with some a dozen roses. I had written the letter over a period of time. It reflected how I understand how she was feeling trap, how our life has changed and with some effort we could work thing out. What the marriage means to me and my hopes and vision od a new relationship. It was three pages long, short description.

The point is I do respect her and always will. But we both fell off the wagon and I'm trying to fix it some how some way.

Since her car broke down on Father's Day week I have talked to her in person three time regarding R. She has given me just a few more puzzle pieces. Like shes toying with me(maybe there is a chance maybe not). Most of the time she is very reluctant to talk to me about anything other than kids. So again How do I navigate the mine fields.

I have been pretty quite this week not say much to her. She has been calling and texting daily. I do not answer the calls or return calls, because she'll ussally leaves a text right after which I take my time to return.

Thanks Again Sandi for your imput.