When I was going through the emotional chaos of divorce I clung to keeping the family whole with every fiber of belief, anxiety, fear I had. "It's all about the children. It's about the family. It's about us.. It's, it's it's."
At some point I realized that as important as family is, that 'it's about the children' was a smoke screen for my own fear, my own disbelief. Yes, the shredding of the family unit does put a hole in their hearts. Yet, kids are resilient, adapting better than the adults. They model after their parents. My 18 year old son volunteered that if he thought about what his dad had done, was doing it would eat him alive. Instead my son chooses to focus on what is good in his life, enjoys the present and goes forward.
I don't know.. you do the best you can, become the best person you can be, learn appropriate boundaries, become an active listener... grow.. and see where it goes.
And underneath it all is the unconditional love for your children, a whole new you emerging... more aware, thoughtful.. and just plain incredible. A different you, a new beginning.. hopefully with your spouse.. if not with the knowledge you did all you could in the best way possible. Respect, honor and dignity.
As long as I blamed spouse, I was a victim. Letting go of blaming allowed growth.
Hmmm.. seeing the time.. Am I sleeping typing?
*hugs*
Gypsy,
Points all well taken. What I have a tough time with is that the boys "know" that it's "because" I did something "really bad". That's a tough pill to swallow when it's anything but the truth.
W yesterday told me she was upset by what the counselor told us each about what S9 had said because "it made her look bad" because how could they think she was "so shallow" that she wouldn't forgive me "for one little thing."
I said, "Yeah, I can kinda see that, but they think the reason is because I did something bad. That's a tough pill to swallow."
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
What I have a tough time with is that the boys "know" that it's "because" I did something "really bad". That's a tough pill to swallow when it's anything but the truth...they think the reason is because I did something bad."AlexEN
That is a tough pill to swallow.
All you can do is continue to model what a man does after he's done something bad. Or after others think he's done something bad.
This is what they will carry with them all their lives.
This you can do.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I heard this on the radio today, and I thought with just a little modification, it speaks to your situation. Just instead of "We'll marry", you would need to change the lyric to "We'll stay married."
My father sits at night with no lights on His cigarette glows in the dark. The living room is still; I walk by, no remark. I tiptoe past the master bedroom where My mother reads her magazines. I hear her call sweet dreams, But I forgot how to dream.
But you say it's time we moved in together And raised a family of our own, you and me - Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be: You want to marry me, we'll marry.
My friends from college they're all married now; They have their houses and their lawns. They have their silent noons, Tearful nights, angry dawns. Their children hate them for the things they're not; They hate themselves for what they are- And yet they drink, they laugh, Close the wound, hide the scar.
But you say it's time we moved in together And raised a family of our own, you and me - Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be: You want to marry me, we'll marry.
You say we can keep our love alive Babe - all I know is what I see - The couples cling and claw And drown in love's debris. You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds, But soon you'll cage me on your shelf - I'll never learn to be just me first By myself.
Well O.K., it's time we moved in together And raised a family of our own, you and me - Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be, You want to marry me, we'll marry, We'll marry.
...All you can do is continue to model what a man does after he's done something bad. Or after others think he's done something bad.
This is what they will carry with them all their lives.
This you can do.
Okay Gardener, let me get this straight, I'm supposed to act guilty, even though I'm not, but since they think I have, I can do it, so they can see their not guilty dad acting guilty to show them what...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Maybe it was the power of suggestion, but I had song lyrics popping into my head all day today on the lengthy drive to drop S9 at camp and the return trip without him... But, it wasn't Carly Simon I was hearing in my head (as I drove along with W who seems almost like a stranger to me now), it was a Beatles song I don't remember hearing in years:
You've Got a Hold on Me...
I don't like you But I love you Seems that I'm always Thinking of you Oh, oh, oh, You treat me badly I love you madly You've really got a hold on me You've really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me,
I don't want you, But I need you Don't want to kiss you But I need too Oh, oh, oh You do me wrong now My love is strong now You've really got a hold on me You've really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me, baby
I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me
I want to leave you Don't want to stay here Don't want to spend Another day here Oh, oh, oh, I want to split now I just can't quit now You've really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me, baby
I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me, please, hold me, squeeze, hold me, hold me
You've really got a hold on me You've really got a hold on me You really got a hold on me You've really got a hold on me
I think that's the tug of war so many of us have...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Excellent song. And you're right, not one I ever hear played. The drive to camp. I always loved that. So exciting. I guess because I remember how I felt as a kid anticipating camp and being in a world of just kids with lots to do. Watching the kids run off with their new friends, and then feeling like a fish out of water, as a parent standing there with nothing to do. Yes, and that empty car on the way back home. But a good day. I hope you enjoyed it.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
