Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

Loved your code, FIB. THANK YOU.

So, last night I blew. I'm too tired to retype it all, so I'm going to just copy and paste an email I sent to my best friend about what happened. DB? Maybe not...but I definitely did something different. Talking to my H calmly (the way he says he prefers) hasn't worked the last gazillion times I've tried to talk to him about the whore, so I raised my voice. Don't know why he doesn't listen if he doesn't like this SD...

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I hope you've adjusted to being home and had an awesome session at your weekend classes!

Well, something H did at dinner last night triggered me and I brought out a giant can of whoop-ass on him. Basically, he was lecturing me about how we had to anticipate others' discomfort and, EVEN IF they say directly that something doesn't bother them, we are to STILL adjust our choices to accommodate what we think they really prefer. Basically, I was toying with the idea of making my family birthday meal @ [a local restaurant that puts on a drag show brunch}, and he was thinking it might be uncomfortable for his father. I said I'd ask FIL, but if he said it was okay and it really wasn't, then it was no longer my responsibility. Truthfully, I don't think his dad would have a problem with it. I think it's H WITH his dad that has a problem with it.

This just set me off, and I told him that if he wanted to sacrifice his ONE life trying to anticipate and spare others' discomfort, if he wanted to martyr himself forever, that was fine, but I wasn't going to do it. And then it hit me...he didn't give a sh!t about MY discomfort with his continued association with that woman, but he did flips and back bends for every other person on this planet, to the point he was more willing to accommodate for distant relatives or acquaintances more than he was willing to respect me or my feelings/discomfort.

So I kind of went thermonuclear, but in a good way I think. I did keep it focused on how I felt, but I also put everything out there. I told him I was tired of him lying, tired of him simply hiding things better, tired of him making concessions for everyone else, tired of him not respecting my feelings on this issue NO MATTER how he thinks I SHOULD feel about it. He returned with how he'd greatly reduced his contact with her, and I responded that the agreement was NO non-work contact, and that meant that if she wanted him to help her out with something, wanted to buy him lunch or even go out to lunch, wanted to talk about ANYTHING non-work related, it was crossing my boundaries.

And then I told him that he needed to get anything she'd given him out of my dam* house. I asked him to imagine how I'd feel if he died, I was having to go through his things, and found anything.

So then he gets mad at me...and tells me I should respect his privacy, and I tell him that his lying and hiding things, his choice to put THAT relationship above me and our marriage, has lost him his right to privacy because he'd proven he couldn't be trusted. I told him I'd never ever gone into his things before this all had happened, and that I was happy to stop after he'd proved through ACTION that he was trustworthy.

I also told him to make a choice, because continued contact with her meant no more contact with me. And I told him not to say anything he didn't mean, because if it happened one more time, I was going to kick him out and file for divorce the next day.

He says he's never stopped being friends or knowing anyone in his whole life, so how does he do this? I told him I didn't know, but it was his mess to clean up if he intended to stay in this relationship. He said he'd figure it out, but he's such a wuss that I just don't know.

I also asked him how he'd feel if I was still hanging out with the guy I met during that summer, the one who would have gladly taken the opportunity to get in my pants if I'd offered. He said it would bother him, but he wanted it to be my choice. I told him he was a great guy--fun, light hearted, ambitious, kind, good looking, funny--but that I'd made the decision to end contact with him out of respect to my marriage and out of the belief that it would be too easy to cross the line with him if things got challenging between us (me & H) again.

In the end he said he'd have to prove it to me through actions, and he would. Will he? I don't know, and I guess that's really not the point. I said everything I had to say in a way maybe he can finally hear it. He HATES it when I get to the point of raising my voice, but as I pointed out to him, I'd already tried this conversation, calmly, 4-times before, and he didn't listen, that the only time I ever got through to him was when it got to this point.

So, he feels (rightly) like he's been beaten up (not blaming me), and I feel dam* fine. He expects me to act angry, not want to be around him, etc., so he can't understand how I can go from that to talking about errands we need to run and hanging out reading on the couch together. I know you'll get it.

And maybe I shouldn't feel this way, maybe I should just get over it (which is true), but you can only do The Work and journal and clean up your vibration so many times before it becomes maddening. And he can do whatever he wants to, but I'm not willing to be in relationship with someone who won't respect a reasonable request, one that every single article and book on the issue says is essential.

If you're still reading, thanks for sitting through this. I'm really okay, and I also know that you'll tell me if I'm off track here. I SO MUCH appreciate that you are willing to tell me the truth, always. I just don't want to associate with liars, you know?

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I reached my limit. What will H do? I don't know, but he's been duly advised. I don't need him for my personal happiness, and I deserve more in a R. Period.

SD