Journaling... I want to call H so badly and check on him and see how he is doing, but I feel like I shouldnt. He may need some time to get over things himself. I just wish I could help. I wish he would let me help. ugh.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I may not be the person you want to hear from either. However, IMHO, you are showing how desparate you are. You are doing exactly what he asked you "not" to do and you are trying to "fix" things for him as if he was your little boy. Stop trying to be his mother and stop recuing him. He's a big boy and needs to clean up after himself. You are acting all grabby-needy and it is not attractive one bit. He's going to be okay, so find your self-respect and start showing him how classy you are instead of pathetic. You need to detach emotionally & physically. He doesn't want you there when he has OW, and that should be obvious. Don't put yourself in that predicament.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your input, I think I needed to hear that really. I feel like I have lost the plot with things. What would be a better way of handling the phone calls? Do I not ask how he is doing? Do I even answer? I may be asking all the wrong questions, but I would like to try. Thanks for the help.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Well, to cut straight to the chase....it is my firm belief that WAS want what they can't have. That makes it more attractive to them. So, the less available you appear and the less "needy" you are, then the more attractive you will be to him.
There is one major thing that keeps jumping out to me that is a great concern and that's these "friends" he wants to give up his life, country, and family to move there and live with. What person in their right mind would do that for a couple or group of "friends"? He is either in a serious, serious state of fantasy or else there is something fishy about the whole move. My first thoughts are he is involved with another woman, and my second thoughts are not near as nice.
If I were you, I would stay at home just as to see who was coming to help him move. However, I would not tell him b/c he would probably plan to have a "go-between" instead of the actual person or people involved. I know this may seem outrageous, but you read about it all the time here on the board. Couples who thought they knew their S better than themselves are suddenly turning into a complete stranger.
Once he is gone, the deatchment will be better for you. It won't be any less painful....but easier than when living under the same roof. I do suspect he will be back with his tail between his legs b/c unless somebody takes him in and takes care of him as well as you did.....I'm thinking he'll be back. That may be a decision you will have to make farther down the road b/c you may decide you don't want him back after he's treated you so badly. Hurt does awful things to people. I don't know you, but as I said before, I believe that you will make it--b/c I sense you are a strong woman and full of courage. I don't think you are one that gives up easily, but you also face reality for what it is. Am I about right on that? Bet I am.....
Thank you for listening to me. I have been M for many years and have a wonderful H. A lot of "stuff" has happened in our lives and I got pretty lost there for a while. We are doing good now and I want to return what was given to me....and that's why I'm here. It takes people wanting to "hear" what needs to be said.....and that's why I knew you were a wise lady!
You take care and know that I'm here if you need me.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi I appreciate the time you put in posting but am confused by this?
Quote:
Well, to cut straight to the chase....it is my firm belief that WAS want what they can't have. That makes it more attractive to them. So, the less available you appear and the less "needy" you are, then the more attractive you will be to him.
I get this part
The other parts I dont really follow, maybe you are mixing me up with someone else? My H is moved out, but not moved anywhere, or any country with friends??
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
So, did you get through yesterday without calling H? How are you doing? I know you were/are worried and it's hard to stay detached. Hope you're doing well.
Yes I got thru, I did NOT call. I am not good in crisis situations, all I want to do is help (go figure ) I get organized and I help, thats what I do. Stepping back feels unnatural, but I def will do this here.
H emailed me tho and left a short message saying hi and stuff, and telling me to have a great weekend. Later in the night I sent back 'hi glad your doing well' Maybe I shouldn't of sent anything back? felt I needed to acknowledge that I got the message.
I feel like Ive been doing everything wrong and just need to stop it. I need to change things up somehow.
I had a really crappy night last night, stayed in felt bad. Determined to get out of this this week one way or another. I went out for coffee w a friend yesterday. And Ive just been to the gym today for workout, swim and sauna! not been in the pool before bc was worried about swimwear, but I just said f it and went anyway. I saw someone I met once before thru a friend while at gym so said hi. but I had my headphones in so didnt talk or anything. I need to start making an effort to talk to the few ppl that I do recognize when out and about. A new goal for me.
No calling today either. Thanks for checking in Mnt!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
i like your goal about making an effort to talk to people you recognize when youre out. i always had a habit of dodging people i saw when i was out, trying so hard to hide from them. i did it because i was really insecure with myself, the last time those people saw me, i was 100lbs lighter and i didnt want to see the horrible look on their faces if they were to see me now. but thats no way to live my life, i have to learn that people arent as negative and judgmental as i expect them to be when it comes to appearance. i learned to react this way because my mom is very critical of the way i look.
i will make it my goal to not dodge people anymore and make an effort to talk to them as well!
glad you didnt contact him, i think you're doing a fantastic job in the way you're handling your sitch. im inspired at how long youve been able to deal with this, i hope i can make it to even 2 months in my sitch!
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
OMG, what did I do??? Sorry! I was on the wrong post!
) I get organized and I help, thats what I do. Stepping back feels unnatural, but I def will do this here.