I understand and respect where you are coming from. When I wanted to call the OW, it was in the hope that if OW knew what she was doing to me, my S and our family, she would have the decency to stop it. As many on this board pointed out, it was a far-fetched dream. Why would a person who never met me or my S care when the man I married didn't give a sh!t what he was doing to us?
How are things today with W?
I've been pretty detached the last few days, enough for her to stop me and ask if she could ask me a question - "Is there something wrong?"
I told her other than the whole EA as usual, no nothing else is wrong, which led to a huge emotional discussion with her (she was emotional and crying, I was not). Maybe it was a mistake to say anything besides "nothing" but she'd see through that, and I'm a pretty straightforward person. I tell it like it is. I told her I was just backing off and letting her be; let her decide if she wants to talk, hug, etc.
She still says she doesn't want to let go of the EA. Fears that if she does and reconciliation doesn't work, she'll lose what she has now forever. So that's why she's straddling the fence. She resents any mention of what divorce would mean to the kids, even when I say that it is impossible to separate them from our situation.
She doesn't believe she can get what she's getting from him if she stays with me and tries to work on it.
Other than that, we exist pretty much like roommates who are good friends. No name calling, yelling, malicious acts or hurtfulness. We sleep in the same bed, are occasionally intimate, and go about business as usual.
I'm just at a loss as to what to do about the EA, other than not tolerating anything regarding the OM inside our household. I know I can't make her stop it. And mentally and physically I am fine - eating well, not depressed, keeping a positive attitude and mood, and saying my prayers. Just keepin' on rollin'.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I wish I had some great words of wisdom. The truth is I am in the same sitch as you. I was giving too much power to the OW. It consumed my thoughts and feelings. I am doing my best to let it go. If not, I am giving her power.
Your W is like my H, they want it both ways. I have gotten some great advice and if you read through my threads, I think you will find a lot of it can pertain to your sitch.
Hang in there. Keep posting...these people are a God-send.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I've been pretty detached the last few days, enough for her to stop me and ask if she could ask me a question - "Is there something wrong?"
I told her other than the whole EA as usual, no nothing else is wrong, which led to a huge emotional discussion with her (she was emotional and crying, I was not). Maybe it was a mistake to say anything besides "nothing" but she'd see through that, and I'm a pretty straightforward person. I tell it like it is. I told her I was just backing off and letting her be; let her decide if she wants to talk, hug, etc.
I like that.
One question: What do you CALL her EA when you talk to her? "Your affair"? "Your relationship with ______" .... what?
One question: What do you CALL her EA when you talk to her? "Your affair"? "Your relationship with ______" .... what?
Hi pup. I call it various things, usually try not to be hurtful. Just allusions to what it is, like "this thing over our heads" or "this thing going on", or "it", or "your involvement with him". Stuff like that. Not sure if that is right, since it might make the EA seem in our discussions to her like something hypothetical or general and not something real, damaging, and hurtful.
After our discussion we ran separate errands and she bought me a small item I like, which made me feel good, and made me feel close to her. But she's still tending to two gardens at once...
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I think you should call it when it is -- either an "affair," or "an inappropriate relationship with your boyfriend."
I wouldn't initiate the conversation, nor beat her over the head with it, but when it comes up -- like the convos you alluded to above -- I think you need to call a spade a spade. Otherwise, you're just enabling the parsing behavior.
I usually read a person's thread before jumping in, but I am curious as to why you avoid calling your W's EA what it is. Why are you going all around the lake to keep from hurting her feelings when she is cheating on you? How can you be upfront, on board, outspoken, or whatever you called it....when you can't even say the word "affair"? As long as you are willing to not push this ______ (fill in the blank), then I can tell you that you probably will have a long, painful wait ahead of you b/c if you are okay with living like a roomies.....she certainly won't have a problem with it.
Quote:
After our discussion we ran separate errands and she bought me a small item I like, which made me feel good, and made me feel close to her.
Oh man, come on and wake up. You played a sucker right into her hands. Can you be bought with a "small item"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I usually read a person's thread before jumping in, but I am curious as to why you avoid calling your W's EA what it is. Why are you going all around the lake to keep from hurting her feelings when she is cheating on you? How can you be upfront, on board, outspoken, or whatever you called it....when you can't even say the word "affair"? As long as you are willing to not push this ______ (fill in the blank), then I can tell you that you probably will have a long, painful wait ahead of you b/c if you are okay with living like a roomies.....she certainly won't have a problem with it.
Quote:
After our discussion we ran separate errands and she bought me a small item I like, which made me feel good, and made me feel close to her.
Oh man, come on and wake up. You played a sucker right into her hands. Can you be bought with a "small item"?
Hi sandi. I actually don't know why I haven't exclusively used the term affair or infidelity. I will going forward. Maybe I didn't want to seem like I was trying to stick it to her. You know, "WWJD" and all. But like I mentioned, it probably allows the affair to seem to antiseptic, which it should never be.
Regarding the small item, I was not bought off by it. It just made me feel good and close to her, which is me being honest. I certainly wasn't going to slap it out of her hand and say "thanks, but I'll wait till you dump the OM."
I tolerate nothing regarding the OM in my presence or in our house. But it seems there's a fine line to walk with regard to my behavior toward her. I can't be an ass and drive her away, and I can't be too nice, imply that I'm cool with the EA, and let her get the best of both worlds.
It's a tough spot, but everyone here is/was in the same boat it seems.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Okay...I went back and deleted the post I almost sent b/c I do not want to come across as being disrespectful--when I’m trying to talk to “you” about respect. Whether you choose to look at her small gift as a bribe or not....it was, and I believe she intended it to work as a bribe to make you calm down after you told her what you did. Did you not find that odd that she bought you something "after" you spoke about the OM? Furthermore, she does not respect you as her H.
You are singing to the choir here b/c I know about loss of respect for the H, and having an EA...and I also know what you are talking about where that fine line is concerned. However, if you do not have her respect...then how do you expect to have her heart? I would dare say that one reason for her falling for the OM was b/c she felt a degree of respect for him...in a weird way. That is embarrassing to the Christian community to think OM won an unbeliever over to Christ and then have an EA with her! But, I never thought I would be guilty of looking at another man, either, so I can’t really point fingers. I do believe that her feelings may have started with a sense of gratitude or admiration and OM did not protect her as a young convert. I hope you know what I’m trying to say. It "should" have been like a teacher-student type of R. So, I am thinking that he may have been the one to take advantage here, or for sure....gave in to his temptations toward her. Man, that's awful. It's enough to really mess with her head, isn't it?
I understand what you are referring to about WWJD, however, I also think that some people’s thoughts about that issue is not a clear understanding of the Person of Christ, IMHO. Another subject....another time.
As an almost WAW, I would encourage you to ask yourself in every situation, "Will my W have respect for me if I do this or say this?"
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
