Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

25yearsmlc,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, experiences and kind words.

Bringing you, and everyone, up to date, as of today. I'm coming up on 3 months of really letting go of my DBing pursuit and finally deciding to be happy in MY life. I've been on an interesting journey for the past (nearly) decade (8 years together, THEN 3+ years after split), as I have finally let go of my attachment to XW and am making definitive, if small, steps towards putting my psyche and self-esteem back together, after my time with XW.

I blame myself, not XW. I take full responsibility for my becoming self-destructively co-dependent over time, and then enduring that co-dependency unraveling over 38 months. THAT journey down the 'rabbit hole' snuck up on me and the quest out and up has been, and continues to be, a difficult and determined process of both redemption and self-preservation.

Since I've moved 75 miles away from XW (and D8 & S3), I haven't had much contact with XW, nor her family, but the contact I have had with my ex-in laws has always been cordial and nice. My contact with XW has been minimal, and the few times we have communicated, has too often been XW being difficult too often and me refusing to buy into her shenanigans. I'm getting stronger by the day, but climbing out of the hole and moving forward I've determined is a much more arduous task than I initially anticipated. I'm making progress, though. Let go and moving forward. I'll be better than before.

Separate note: in March, I came into contact with a female (TAP) HS classmate/friend through facebook after 25 years. Initially, I let her know all about my 'stuff' with XW, and added my other 'issues' from my past. I very much wanted to be friends with TAP again, and I knew that being open, honest and transparent with her was the only way that that would happen. After a while, TAP asked me, ideally, what I wanted to see happen as a resolution with XW. I told TAP that I wanted the opportunity to work on reconciling with my XW and we'd successfully re-marry. She asked me some pointed questions about what I had done to facilitate that end, and upon hearing 'not much', she encouraged me step up and tell XW what I wanted and let XW really decide, despite my fears of what I believed (from the beginning) was her likely and repeated answer.

I had a conversation with XW, again, and I received the answer I had anticipated from XW from Day 1. After that, AND XW's bringing her 'flavor-of-the-month' around me twice, I decided to attend my ex-SIL's graduation party to see my children and congratulate ex-SIL, let go of my thread of a hope to reconcile with XW and started my new life without XW.
All of this was on April 23, 2009. My first day of self-determined happiness, for no reason other than being happy for the sake of being happy.

Anyway, shortly after that date, I realized that I was open to actually exploring a relationship with TAP, making her the first woman that I was open to any kind of relationship with. My relationship with TAP has had it's own dips, as I've ventured into a new relationship as my new and improving me. Of course, some of those dips have been a direct result of still needing to deal with XW and TAP's lingering concerns about my feelings for XW that have not been permanently extinguished. I've assured her they have and that XW is not and will not be an issue for our relationship.

In closing, I'm feeling that this is not the proper forum for me to journal my 'travels' in my life, as this board is about Divorce Busting, not starting one's life anew with someone new. I am moving forward, and I have the clarity to know and accept that my XW made the decision to D me because she felt THAT path was the best path to resolve HER and our life issues. I want the best for some people in my life: me, XW, D8, S3 and TAP.

I look forward to my fellow Dber responses to my post. Wish me well in and pray for my moving forward quickly and well, in sorting out my life in a wise, efficient and productive way and in being happy, just for the sake of being happy.

I wish you all well.