Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

I thought I had made you mad at me BJ! The truth is.....I knew exactly how "you" meant what you were saying....but I wanted to help you see it from her POV.

Sandi,

It's kind of funny you say that because I thought you were mad at ME! Either that or disappointed that I may have misrepresented myself somehow... which is definitely not my intention. Anyways, part of why I'm here is to help me understand my W's POV, relate to it and become the H my W and I need me to be.

I knew what you meant by your personal standards and perhaps you have no problem mixing the standards you set for yourself from those you think others should have, however, "most" people who expect a lot from themselves.....expect a lot of others. Maybe you don't.....and if not, then you are an exception. However, since your W has low self-esteem, you would have to be cautious not to cause her to feel that you are stepping on her toes.....especially when talking "to" her or "about" other situations. It simply comes through our conversations to others, (with most people in most cases). Yes, you know you are not automaticaly "right" about every issue, but can you lay it down without arguing or stating your case about how you see it? If she tends to be passive, then you may come across as being a bit over-bearing. I don't know.....just speculating.

I agree. I do try to make a conscious effort to separate my personal standards from my expectations of others- it is simply not realistic or fair to do otherwise. I take full ownership for being hard on myself sometimes- it's something that I need to work on. It could be that I'm not sensitive enough to how much and/or often my personal standards may be creeping into my interactions and/or conversations with my W. I'm going to give this point a lot of thought.

You may think you do not intimidate her, but she may "feel" the intimidation and won't admit it to you. May be her pride that keeps her from saying anything. But IMHO, people who feel low self-esteem can easily be intimidated by a stronger personality.

Agreed. I think that this is certainly one of the big stumbling blocks with couples like my W and I who have complimentary personalities. The self esteem issue is one of the most significant disparities between my W and I. As a younger man, I guess I mistakenly thought that being a part of me in M would somehow boost my W's self esteem enough to where it wouldn't be a significant issue. I realize now that I can't provide this to my W simply through osmosis- it takes a lot more care and work by both of us. If we can get through this crisis, building my W's self esteem is going to be one of my top priorities in our R going forward.

How has she seem the last couple of days?

She appears to still be in regular contact with OM. She keeps stating how she is looking forward to the trip out of state in August to "visit her family"- and see OM. She continues to work very hard on exercising and her tan- she looks fantastic- while putting little effort on the employment front- according to her, this will wait until after the trip in August.

I'm guess this trip in August is my W's version of the Super Bowl for her. She has put everything on the table for OM- including her heart and soul. The only thing she hasn't given him yet is her body. It sure is looking like she must have OM at any cost.

I'm pretty much keeping to myself right now when not spending time with the kids. She tried picking a fight with me two nights ago about my posting here- said she doesn't like me talking about her to others. I asked her if it bothered her that I told people how much I loved her and wanted our M to work. She responded that she didn't mind that I told people that.

Just got off the phone with my W as I was finishing this post. She called to ask me what I was doing about child care arrangements for the week after next- she is attending church camp the entire week. She told me I ought to burn a few vacation days that week instead of her having to arrange a babysitter. I told her I had other plans for using my vacation days. She asked what my plans were- I said maybe I'll be going with you and the kids on the out of state trip in August. She didn't like that idea too much.