Glad I was able to be of some help making you feel a bit better today. THat's the good thing about a board like this, I wish I had found it earlier, it would have saved me some down moments.
THings are going... I've been smiling too today. H picked me up at work today and we had such a nice conversation on the way home. Not about the affairs, and I wasn't the one starting it. But we did touch the subject of our marriage and what we want from it, and what we're willing to do for it. I still think there's a long road ahead of us, he still thinks it's done and over with and that should be it.. but we were able to meet in the middle for now, which was quite nice. I was a bit sad yesterday. I still feel quite insecure in this thing. I know the best solution is to live day by day, and I usually do it anyways so it's fine with me but because of all that happened I really need ot feel some security somehow. Sometimes I have really silly days - we used to call them my frank spencer days - where nothing goes right, and I guess yesterday was one of them. It just feels like I have to be perfect all the time, and that's a big strain cuzz I'm far from it I think one of the things he really has to work on is trying hard not to take it on me when he's upset at something else. He tends to become irritable and that scares me because he used to act like that when the affair was on. I understand it doesn't have to be related to the affairs, in fact I believe it isn't, but it just brings back the kind of deja vu that I'm trying to avoid.
On the other hand there's the nice stuff too, like a big hug out of nowhere, and thank you for not giving up, and he even waxws my legs last night and massaged my back to sleep. As I say, there's the high points and the low points... we'll have to get them balanced some time hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Hang on, there. We just need to be patient. Your H tells you it is done with because he wants it to be done with. When he gets upset and impatient at you, it is probably himself he blames, he is just projecting those feelings on you. It is not necessarily personal.
But of course I am also overreactive and very careful of my H's tones of voice and small gestures. And I also tend to feel threatened and scared. I'd advise you to check out Talista's threads. They helped me a lot yesterday, and she has the kind of wisdom we need right now. Her H sounds a lot like mine.
I gave up on being perfect a long time ago, when I realized it was killing me. Now I only try do to my best, and it can be pretty overwhelming. It works, most of the time, but sometimes the Superwoman complex sneaks in... One of my mentors told me once that the secret was to 'get good help'; she was right.
Last edited by optimist; 09/22/0310:17 PM.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I"m really good at hanging in there I think we might make it.
I don't even try to be perfect, ever since I was shocked to discover I might not be completely so but sometimes it does feel like he expects me to. Actually it's more like he expects life to be perfect. No problems at all, I suppose he's in need to wake up, life had a tendency to throw us curves when we're expecting everything but! LIke the time our car was ready for garbage and his uncle was going to buy a new one so he was going to give us his old one.. guess what, the day he was going to pick up the new car he had an accident and there was nothing to salvage from his old car - our new car!!!! - he was ok, not even one bruise, but we had ended up with zero again LOL now I can laugh at it, but it really got us upset then. OK I guess life has a tendency of throwing us more curves than natural but that's because life knows we're fighters and don't give up easily
Today we got home to a living room that was trying to be a swimming pool! WE never had problems with our roof, but today it has to be... something is wrong up there, and I ended up like my great great aunt albertina filling the floor with pots and pans to try to catch all the water that was coming down, and it wasn't even rainng that hard grrrrr Good thing though, he started of by getting grumpy again and kind of talking harsher to me as if it was my fault that the darn thing was full of water, but then he looked at me and stopped "Oops I did it again - he said - I'm starting to look like Britney Spears..." We started laughing and the situation was deflected. I like that. ANyway going to sleep have a full day tomorrow. Sweet dreams nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Quote: I"m really good at hanging in there I think we might make it.
Good, that is the spirit, twin.
Quote: I don't even try to be perfect, ever since I was shocked to discover I might not be completely so but sometimes it does feel like he expects me to. Actually it's more like he expects life to be perfect. No problems at all, I suppose he's in need to wake up, life had a tendency to throw us curves when we're expecting everything but!
He will have to wake up and smell the roses, eventually (do roses survive in your neck of the woods? I am too used to severe heat, I guess)
Quote: OK I guess life has a tendency of throwing us more curves than natural but that's because life knows we're fighters and don't give up easily
Yea, what does not kill you will make you stronger...
Quote: Today we got home to a living room that was trying to be a swimming pool! WE never had problems with our roof, but today it has to be... something is wrong up there, and I ended up like my great great aunt albertina filling the floor with pots and pans to try to catch all the water that was coming down, and it wasn't even rainng that hard grrrrr
At least it did not happen in February... Glass half full
Quote: Good thing though, he started of by getting grumpy again and kind of talking harsher to me as if it was my fault that the darn thing was full of water, but then he looked at me and stopped "Oops I did it again - he said - I'm starting to look like Britney Spears..." We started laughing and the situation was deflected. I like that.
Well, as long as he does not think he is Madonna... But see, he is trainable! There goes another (flooded) baby step...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Nightshade: after reading your story i admire you very much... My h cheated me the first time (the 1ist i know) just months before he gave me the common speech of i dont know if i love you, blah blah blah... all the patterns of a MLC .. then, he cheated me again, after a year of reconciliation... and you know... you have so right when you said "we dont know why, but we can feel it"... yes, in that moment my h was so affective, so lovely... and he doesnt use to be like that, he is a kind of man of little affections since i know him... but for that i knew something was worng... and it was...!!... now we are together, and my instinct, in which i beleive a lot, tell me everything is ok and his moves shows me he really care about fixing our M for the rest of our life ... I think i wont accept any cheate again, and i think he knows that... so... this will be the final reconciliation... and i am working for that... patience, knowledge and love... andrea
LOL optimist, I hope not madona heheheh but he is trainable after all isn't he ?
Well I could trade, severe heat is nothing for me... I'll trade for very cold winter in a secons LOL DOn't know if H will take the time to smell the roses though but maybe I can get it to wake up to smell the coffee.. that's more his style
It's not raining in my living room anymore, and we hope that it doesn't until the weekend cuzz we can only check it then. But my poor sofas don't look to good
But you're right, better now than in february, then we would have come home to a bunch of snow .... hey it wouldn't be too bad.. maybe we could make a snowman on top of the coffee table LOL
He picked me up at work today again and asked me if I wanted to go to work with him. He only had about one more hour to go. THen he cooked dinner for us and ended up taking me out for a coffee. Now I don't drink coffee anymore - haven't for years, but it was really nice. After all both affairs started by going out for coffee at breaks.. maybe he's starting an affair with my huh???? LOL We didn't touch anything that could dampen the mood, and had a great time. Now he's already asleep and I came to the computer to finish a translation that needs to be done tomorrow, but I"m here with a smile.
Anyway going back to work. Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Andrea I do belive my instincts often. I have no reason to doubt them up to now. I think we all have good instincts. Actually what we call instincta are basically the fact that we are so used to them, and the way they are that anything that is different is immediatly picked up.
It was easy to see that with his first affair, but the second was so different I did doubt my instincts for a bit. YOu see the fact that he was caring and loving was actually the way he used to be all the time - except at the time of his first affair - that's why it was so confusing to me. And still I could feel there was something.
I don't think I would able to go through a third affair either. I don't know how I would react if it happens but right now I feel like you, and he knows it as well. Just before he quit his job I wrote him an email and was quite hard. ANd on his bday I had made a web page a picture album with pictures since the beginning of our relationship up to now. In there I made a section called Brutal, on which I did tell him what I really was feeling. It wasn't too nice, but it was fair. I never thought he had payed any attention to any of those things , but a few weeks ago we were talking and he brought them up. He had noticed after all.
I wish you a beautiful wednesday with plenty of reasons to smile. Now I"m really going back to work nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
I am glad your H and you are having positive interactions. Sorry about the sofas, though. I found decently priced slipcovers for mine (cats not rain) at www.surefit.com
Drop by my thread when you have a moment, will you? I have urgent need of your common sense and instincts.
LOL
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Twin dear, got here a bit later today. Gonna need the covers for the sofa thanks for the idea. Just left an answer on your thread, but you had great advice there already. Hope you're feeling better Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
but because of all that happened I really need ot feel some security somehow. 
but sometimes it does feel like he expects me to. Actually it's more like he expects life to be perfect. No problems at all, I suppose he's in need to wake up, life had a tendency to throw us curves when we're expecting everything but!
