Yes, we could be twins
I also am in touch with my family and friends back home but I really didn't want to get them all worried over there. My mom knows because there is nothing you can hide from her of course and my best friends know as well. However, nevere being in the same situation gives them a different insight. As you say they do care for me and want me to be happy, but they're viewing the whole thing from the outside, with no clue to what it's really like. Still they made me feel better just by listening to me at times.
I also have a great friend in here, that has been the whole source of support troughout this year. When the other affair was happening I had the support of H's aunt which made me feel great and welcomed to the family after all the years we've been married. But I realized that after the crisis was over, she was blaming H for everythig and then some, even when it wasn't his fault. This bias made me not confide in her this time.

As for moving back I would simply because I am here only because of H. I enjoy my life here, but I lost a lot when I came here. I did postpone my wedding because I didn't really want to come here. I had a better financial situation there, a better job and of course the bonus of having my family with me. The only thing that would make me reconsider would be if the kids didn't like it there, but they actually love it there, so I don't think I would stay if things were defenitely over.

I've been quiet because I'm trying to read all the posts and get an idea of this forum. I'm so happy to see all the support and encouragement. ANd of course I see many similar situations. I think in a few days I will be able to start posting in other treads as well

Meanwhile I'm concentrating in what my goals are and how do I intend to achieve them. FOr H everything is fine. He was able to end the affair, our marriage is still alive and that's all there is to it. FO rme, although I agree that we're on the right track, some things are still not working fine.
Yes, he is going out of his way to make things better, yes he's allowing me some things that he wouldn't enjoy normally - like me wanting to know where he is more often, asking about the time he's finished at work, things like that. But ...it's like his feelings for me are only lukewarm. I asked him about that a few weeks ago and he asked me in turn if that wasn't the way people feel after being together for as long as we have.This was certainly not the answer I wanted or needed. I still feel the same way for my husband as I felt many many years ago, yes, maybe my feelings are a bit more settled but they still have the same intensity. Then he contradicted himself by saying that if I meant if his love for me was strong, then the answer was yes, they were. But he is still not exactly the man I fell in love and loved for so many years. Ever since his first affair he changed a bit. He became harsher less patient. This was not only with me, even at work they noticed. He used to work with people that had emotional or physical problems because he used to be so good at it, and then suddenly he wasn't anymore, he was impatient and ready to critizice.
That's what seems to be happening in here. He is quick to criticize and very slow to praise - if at all. Sometimes it feels that if I'm perfect and our life had no problems, then everything is fine. But if I make mistakes, or life throws us a curve then he gets grumpy and seems ready to blame me. HE doesn't but it looks like. The problem is that I am not perfect. Nobody is, so this seems like a no solution thing.
ALso he seems to have adapted two different sets of standarts, one for me, one for him - or maybe he was always like that but never became this apparent. For example, if we both do the same mistake, he will laugh his one off. "oops.... " "It was a mistake.. it happens..." "no big deal, it can be fixed." but if I do the exact same mistake... well then that's a big problem.." you had to make a mistake!" "YOu always mess up!" " this is too much!!!!" . We've talked about this a few times. SOmetimes he says he realizes he does that, and tried to joke it off by saying "If I don't take this things on you who am I going to take them on?" or "You know I don't really mean it, it's my impulsive side acting up", other times he doesn't agree that he's used two different standarts.
So you see, although we're together and things are going forward, there are still quite a few things that need to be worked on. ON my side as well. I sometimes react with sarcarsm when I'm feeling hurt, I need to control that.
In any case as long as I see that there is progress being made, I'll be fine.
Hope you're having a great day
hugs
nightshade

"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "