Okay, Stormrider, thanks for the questions. Good for me to reflect on that. This is the stuff he`s mentioned during our very brief moments of clarity in the past few months
1. I don`t listen to him. He`s right! I attack! yak!yak! Fire back at him rather than really listen to what he has to say. I`ve really worked on that one.Its been good for me to really listen to that bit of advice from him and take it on board.
2. I put him down. In every way I see that i have-from what I have said to him to the way I have neglected him and taken control of our lives.
3. I get really angry with him. From LRT I can see how he baits me to get angry. He stays locked in his mood til I`m weeping/coaxing/yelling in frustration or all three. Now, I`ve learnt to leave him there. And stand bak and watch him trying to pick a row. Yesterday for example, when I was mowing the lawn he picked up a ball to clear it out of my way and actually threw it at me! I didn`t fight back-just continued mowing and called him on it later. Gently quietly establishing my right to be treated properly there too.
4.I`m addressing our intimacy issues as best I can-more specifically my issues with intimacy, since I can`t do a whole pile about it without him on board at the moment. He`ll notice immediate changes there if he cares to go there again!
H did confess yesterday that he lies quicker than tells the truth. That he lies to everybody-co workers, people in his football blub, his clients at work just a the drop of a hat and thinks nothing of it. This was said in the context of my asking him why he lookied guilty and dropped the mobile phone when he was out for a walk yesterday and I drove past him. You see, the A is far from over in my head. I don`think he`s acting like a man in another relationship but he has done nothing to rebuild that trust and look for forgiveness. Instead I`ve lies about a hotel he denied staying in, phone on silent/hidden. still working with the OW. And now he confesses lying is second nature.
I couldn`t even go there with validating or thanking him for admitting it. I just looked straight into his eyes and thought "Who the heck did I marry?"
His brother, SIL and family are home from US and came to visit us yesterday. This is my BIL who most understands our sitch and gave me a lot of good advice initially but is hanging back from us now and leaving us to it. I don`t know why he called-he`d met H and the kids last weekend. Anyway, it got H out of the guestroom for another night and, for a change, I let H do all the running-normally I`d look after all guests re dinners, bed linen etc but I just stuck to pouring wine, enjoying the kids and chatting last night.
He`s stuck, I`m stuck. I hate living with him when he`s angry and hating me. It just saps the energy out of me. I wonder if it would be easier db or indeed, move on, if I just threw him out.
