Yesterday started out very rough. I don't really know why as nothing had changed. If I look at the progress over the past 5 weeks I should be thrilled. She said she was starting to 'despise' me because of all the chasing I had been doing. I read DR the following weekend and immediately started doing 180. I called her and told her that the girls and I were going to a garage sale and she was welcome to come. She said she'd think about it and then she called back 30 minutes later and said she would.
Since then I've sort of backslid on the 180 and LRT. When she came to pick the girls up (I watched them yesterday while she was working) we talked a little more. I mentioned my concerns about the kids having no choice in the SITCH. I tried to keep it civil and it was. She told me that if I didn't get my hopes up that we'd be getting back together in 3 or 4 months that she wouldn't feel the need for divorce right now. She's worried about money. She says she's made her decision and she doesn't love me nor want to be with me - but I'm not so sure. When I told her that one of the things I regret the most will be our lost history together and that seemed to strike a chord with her.
She left - I didn't call her last night. She sent an email to me last night thanking me for watching the girls while she worked and thanking me for explaining myself on some stuff we had been talking about.
If I factor out what she says (IDLY, I've decided on D, etc...) I can see optimism. I know she is scared and angry about the situation and people say things they don't mean when they the feel that way.
My advice would be to give her some time to digest it now. Don't keep pushing it on her. You made good points. Now let her sleep on it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I had the girls again today while the W was working. She stopped by the apartment this afternoon to pick them up. When she came in the girls and I were having a raging game of UNO (I won both hands.) Then the girls decided they wanted to have a dance-off where D5 was the judge and D7 and I were dancing, but D7 likes to wrestle and it sort of digressed into that. Anyway - the point being I was glad to be able to DO something that indicates change within me as opposed to feeling the need to TELL the W about it. She came in looking for something to eat, we smiled a little and then she left. I'm trying to notice the small achievements and this seems to be one. I also am NOT going to call her tonight, though I may have to answer if she calls me.
Am I taking DB and DR out of context when she says to 'act as if...'. A couple of weeks back I acted 'as if...' we were going to be able to make it though this eventually, and it certainly made he wonder what I was doing. She asked if I was being so nice and upbeat because I thought she wouldn't file. I don't want to give myself a sense of false hope either, but I'm proceeding with the idea that I'll 'act as if' for now, and if someday she does decide to file I'll deal with that then.
Thats good that she was able to witness it. But don't be doing it to show her or you might be disapointed when you don't see anything. Also, don't be taking temperature checks so quickly. Give it time. Remember, patience.
When it says act as if, it means act as if they are not coming back so that you can work on yourself and be happy with yourself. The less you are dependent on her for your happiness, the more she will notice. And she will notice. It needs to be genuine coming from you though. So don't do it to impress her. Do it to change who you are for you. Let the rest fall into place.
What kind of crackberry did you get? I have a storm that I got after my W announced the bomb to me. They are cool phones.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Am I taking DB and DR out of context when she says to 'act as if...'. A couple of weeks back I acted 'as if...' we were going to be able to make it though this eventually,
Kevin, re-read "as-iffing". I had to. As I now understand it, it pertains more to immediate outcome of imminent action, as opposed to long-range, big-picture goals. To me, it means to do what you're about to do, say what you're about to say, etc., as if it is going to have the exact, pitch-perfect outcome as you intend and envision and it is going to be perceived/received that way. This way you will act, say, do it more confidently, effectively, positively.
IMO
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
K4D - I was concerned about whether the UNO looked staged or not, but the bottom line was that we were all having fun so even if there was a little display going on, the ends justified the means in my book. The Ds and I had a good time. It's confusing because I’m supposed to act happy and upbeat, even when I’m not. DB talks about making changes that are noticeable too. I can't find the page but it references making big changes at work as not being effective as the WAS isn't going to notice them. There's a fine line to walk between pretending to have changed for a display and choosing things that surprise her out of a 180 concept, and then maybe even doing them just because it makes you feel good. I think the UNO game was more the latter then the prior.
But - as I was typing this my wife called me on my new Crackberry (8330 Curve - work bought it for me so I didn't have a choice) and we had a nice talk. She wanted to know what I was going to do with the girls tomorrow. I'm taking them out to a state park where some friends of mine are camping...we're not staying over night but we'll crush some hotdogs and marshmallows and maybe fish a little.
My wife filled out the D papers a few weeks ago while she was still saying she was willing to wait on filing. Last Sunday she decided she wasn't willing to wait, so she called the ATTY this past Monday. He hasn't called back. I asked her if she wanted to talk about the D ATTY and she said no, that she was just worrying about getting a job for the moment. I told her that with her not being able to refi on the house w/o a job, having neither health insurance nor us having the cash to pay for the D, we didn't have many practical options right now anyway. She seemed to agree. I asked her if I was giving her enough space to feel like the D could wait a while (was this a mistake?)and she said that I was. So – it looks like the D is on hold for the time being and that feels like a major victory.
This day ended up pretty well. She doesn't realize it, but I've still not been the first one to call her this week. I've returned her messages, but never called 'just because'. It seems to be working as well as can be expected this early in the game.
Kevin, re-read "as-iffing". I had to. As I now understand it, it pertains more to immediate outcome of imminent action, as opposed to long-range, big-picture goals. To me, it means to do what you're about to do, say what you're about to say, etc., as if it is going to have the exact, pitch-perfect outcome as you intend and envision and it is going to be perceived/received that way. This way you will act, say, do it more confidently, effectively, positively.
IMO
Gardener - thats a cracking thought. I was always pre-planning every little details and the result was anything I said just came over as false. I packed in that sort of thing which has resulted in the following...
I had lots more time to think about other things. Any comms now come across as real and normal (and they are)
Last note: Crapberry Bad - iPhone good Each to their own. Hehehehe
I think that is great that you all were having fun. Thats wonderful. And if W sees it, that is a bonus. I just didn't want you to do stuff in hopes of her seeing it. Thats all. Do it because you are a great dad and your daughters love you and need you and your W will see it anyways when they talk about how much they love their dad and how great he is. But if she happens to see it, even better.
It sounds like you have a great day planned with your daughters. Thats awesome. You seem to have things going pretty well and you have some time on your side and that is excellent.
Keep up the good work.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Then the girls decided they wanted to have a dance-off where D5 was the judge and D7 and I were dancing, but D7 likes to wrestle and it sort of digressed into that. Anyway - the point being I was glad to be able to DO something that indicates change within me as opposed to feeling the need to TELL the W about it. She came in looking for something to eat, we smiled a little and then she left. I'm trying to notice the small achievements and this seems to be one. I also am NOT going to call her tonight, though I may have to answer if she calls me.