Can it work?

[nightshade]

Hello, I'm new here, and I'm not even sure if this will be the right place to post. But I"m giving it a try anyways
I apologize for the lenght but I'm trying to esplain everything that happened and is going trough my mind.
I have been married for 21 years and have two kids, 13 and 10. For 16 years my marriage was as perfect as any marriage can be. We had some ups and downs of course, but we're always able to sail trough, by talking, analysing or compromising someway.
About 5 years ago we were going trough a very rough time in our lives, with huge financial problems, health problems and even family problems. Things were very difficult and I think that we kind of ended up hiding in our own shells trying to deal with what was happening individually instead of as a team.
OUr relationship still seemed strong, but between all the part times we were doing to try and balance finances we hardly saw each other. Time together when it happened was a mix of being exausted and trying to get provide some quality time for the kids, we ended up forgetting couple time.
I was feeling tired, frustrated and sometimes ressentful for all the time we couldn't be together. My h. was feeling depressed, and worrying that he couldn't provide for us the way he felt he should. He was working night shift and had a few par times. I was working days and had part times as well.
It probably shouldn't have come as a surprise when I found out he was having an affair with a coworker, but it did. I thought that with all things being so hard on us, at least we still had our relationship. I was wrong. I found it out as it started. Well not exactly the affair itself. My husband had been away for 4 in a legitimate work related thing. But I noticed as soon as he came back that things were different. HE looked like he couldn't stand being home, and when he had no choice but to be home, he would either sit down watching tv or go to bed and sleep. He would go to work way before the right time to leave, and come back later. He would avoid talking and touching me even if it was by accident.His pager kept going off at odd times. It wasn't difficult to figure it out, but I was so naive that an affair didn't come to mind, I just thought that all that was going in our lives had finally caught up with him and that maybe we needed to talk. WHile we sat down talking about a week after everything had started, I had the shock of my life! HE didn't love me anymore, he wasn't even sure if he had ever loved me, our life together - all the wonderful things had been wipped from his memory - had not been a good one, and he wanted out.No there wasn't anyone else, but if the opportunity arised he would take it. I was left with no words -which is something quite difficult to happen with me - The last part seemed to much, and in two more days I had all the facts. Of course there was someone. I wasn't sure of what to do at that point, but I was sure that I didn't want my marriage to go just like that. We talked often and things always looked better on weekends when he wasn't working, but by midweek they were always back to , there's no way to fix this.
Actually when right at first I suggested counseling his answer was an immediate no - and I knew that, he has quite a lot of trouble talking about himself and what's inside - and that we couldn't fix things, not because it was impossible but because he didn't want to.
I was ready to quit when I realized that somethings didn't add up completely. He had told me he was just trying to save money for first and last month's rent in an appartment, but he was spending more and more money with us. Buying things for home that we needed but weren't really important and could certainly wait, taking us out, even bringing treats home. The way things were going he would be dying of old age before he had the money to move out!
So I gave it a try and almost 4 months after the inicial discovery we were in counseling and starting small steps towards getting the whole mess starightned up. I"m afraid we didn't do all the sessions in counseling. He quit on the 4th, but we wouldn't have been able to continue anyways because there was no money.
Still we were able to work it out form there. Or so I thought.
Communication improved, we made time for ourselves as a couple, he was finally able to open up and answer some of my questions - although as time passed I noticed that some of the question I had from the beginning weren't that important anymore - and he really sheemed to want to make our marriage work.
SOme of my friends reminded me of the "once a cheater... " thing, but I really felt at that time that we had been able to fix whatever needed fixing and that having been trough we were more vigilant about the small things that can create a problem, as well as the fact that it can happen and we need to work on a relationship to keep it alive. I guess I was naive again.
For the next 3 1/2 years our marriage seemed stronger and improved. It almost felt like a permanent honeymoon. Even all the rest got better as well. He got a new job with better pay so he could let go of most of the part times. I got more hours on mine and got paid more as well. We were able to start paying of debts and still have some money left over. My parent's deaths were starting to become easier to deal with and my health problem had resolved in a good way.
We got back to go camping again and enjoy being together.
2 years ago, he got another job. This one came with benefits and a better pay as well, although it was again night shift. We felt we could do it.
Last summer, while my kids went on a long trip with the grandparents, I kind of felt there was something wrong. There was no special reason for this, after all we were having a great time togehter, he was spending all his time off work with me - as he had been doing ever since his affair - and before the affair -. Even to walk our dog he would ask me to go with him. He was caring and loving at home. Our sex life was great as it had always been, and he certainly wasn't leaving early to work or coming late. However there was something wrong.Right at that time I went to get a document from his hotmail - he had given me all his passwords after his affair and often asked me to go there to forward this or that - and found a message from some woman. I had seen messages from this person before. They were usually forwarded jokes and I had no problem with that. However this time even though not completely compromising, it seemed more personal. She was talking about something that had happened at work, and for him to pick up the phone because she needed a hug.
Now I correspond with many people trough email and I do send hugs as a rule. Just before signing. But this got my alert defenses all up.
I talked to him but got nothing. He rationalised that "would he have that sort of correspondence in a mail box that he knows I have access and even asks me to go there????? " I almost bought it. But suddenly there were no more messages from this person at all, not even jokes.Strange, they should still be coming. I confess I did something I'm not very proud of, but I snooped. And by snooping I learned that there was indeed something happening again with a coworker.Someone that worked nights with him.
I was devastated. I really believed that it wasn't going to happen again.
There was no special stress in our lives other than a small financial problem because we had to buy a new car, fix the roof and an emergency surgery in our dog, which left us in the red for a bit over a month.
Still it was happening.
This time it was completely different from the other. As I talked to him he immediatly confessed. He said he didn't know how he had gotten into the situation, but he certainly didn't want to abandon our marriage. That he loved me and couldn't figure out why he had messed up. That our relationship was under no special problems and that he felt really bad about it. For a moment I believed it. however by continuing snooping I learned that although things seemed to have stopped for a while, they were on again.
The affair was happening only at work - they both worked in a hospital and as she so aptly stated to a friend, there is always time and plenty of beds available. They never met outside work even though she made it plain in some emails that she was willing to do so.
By November he stayed home sick for almost a month. There was no contact either by phone or email. He had to go back to work in the begining of December for a week but then he had vacation time booked until the beginning of January, and again there was no communication with her during that time. I started hoping that maybe it was over. However, by February it was on again. I talked to him several times, I even showed him some of her emails to him. And always he apologized, indicated that it will end, but it kept going on and off. I do have proof that he tried to end it completely several times during this period of time, but again as she put to a friend she learned that it was easy to get it back again, she just had to keep passing by his office looking sad and crying and send him emails that made him feel guilty and things would start again. _ I am not judging her in here, just stating facts-.
By May I found another email from her to him quite graphic in what they had done the previous night and I was ready to quit.
I had one last talk to him and he was crying adnd telling me he wanted to grow old with me, but I was having trouble believing him by them - I think I had enough justification to doubt him.
By the beginnng of June I was deciding in my head that maybe we should call it quits, when he called me from work
one night asking for help to write a resignation letter.
He again apologized and explained that although he wanted to end it he was having trouble doing so, and he felt the only way was to quit his job. I am not very sure of that. No matter where he works, there will always be women.. and then what? But I supported his decision. The affair is finally over. Our marriage seems on the mending again. He seems to be doing all possible and impossible to make up for it. But now I'm the one having trouble. I want my marriage. I know that I am able to forgive, but I really fear having to go trough this for the rest of our lives.
AS a note, and this really doesn't make a difference or excuses him in any way but in both affairs it was the women that initiate it, which leds me to think that he will not start an affair, but is not able to refuse one if it's offered - which is as bad I think. I have proof of this, so I'm not going by what he says. I have the actually email where this one talks about the insecurity of being the one starting the affair and making it happen and that they still could be at the stage of just going out for coffee at break time and talk if she hadn't decided to kiss him and tell him what she wanted for them one night, and the phone conversation between him and the first one where they discuss the fact that it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't talked her roomate at the hotel to sleep somewhere else and make everything available for them. As I said, this doesn't make much of a difference in what happened, but it gives me some insight in how he has trouble to refuse what is offered.
I want my marriage to work, and I was able to forgive the other time, but I am having difficulty doing so this time.ANd sometimes I feel guilty for this, when I see him trying so hard to make things work.
Thanks for reading and again I apologize for being so long.
Any insight will be appreciated.
Have a great day
nightshade