I feel like I am operating in a vacuum

[beepee]

Hi Cville:

i just read thru your entire post and there are definitely some similarities in our sitchs. firstly, im so sorry that you're going through this, i know how painful it is, esp when your WAS seems to be so cold and distant, and there is hardly any contact if at all.

the biggest difference btwn our sitchs are that my H left because of my depression and couldnt take it, saying he really has nothing left to give me anymore and has gone to completely ignoring me and shutting me out of his life (like you said, i dont understand that either). and you know where your W is, i dont know where my H is at all, i have a guess that he might be in the city an hour away from me but its only a guess. i havent spoken or seen him for 5 weeks since he packed up and drove away from me when i came home one day.

i have the same concerns as you, how can you show them you're changing when you make no attempt to contact you at all? i made the mistake of telling my H that i didnt want to be friends with him anymore and that i just wanted all of this to be gone and we would part ways and never see each other again. since then, i havent really heard from it and im very worried that he really took what i said seriously. he is DEAD SURE that he does not want to be with me and IS going to file for divorce whenever he can. as far as i know, i could be served tomorrow!

but ive learned through this website and the DB/DR books that i cant control any of his actions, only mine. and that theres no point in trying to understand WASs behaviors, why they do the things they do (like your W shutting off the phone, whenever i tried calling my H, he would shut off the phone completely and turn it back on in a few hours and then id call again and hed shut it off again and this kept going on and i had to get it in my head that he's not picking up for a reason, he doesnt want to talk to me!). everything they do can only be understood by them and the best thing we can do in the sitch is to understand ourselves, reflect on our own behaviors and what needs to be changed in order to become a better person who has so much happiness and love to share with others.

ive been depressed for a very long time, i do believe it is genetic as my mom is severely clinically depressed and has never done anythign about it. shes tried to kill herself numerous times and so have i and this sort of extreme behavior was somethhing my H was not at all prepared to deal with and i completely understand that. but what i dont understand is how they can walk away and shut you out when they know you're suffering from an illness. maybe he believes that if he doesnt leave, ill never get better but who knows? i just have to focus on controlling my depression. ive been on ADs for about a month now and they havent totally helped me either. but im going to give it more time before having it analyzed by my C.

all in all, in our given sitch, i think its best for the both of us to do the LRT and go dark. no more contact in any form. im on the start of my 2nd week of NC. it might be helpful for you to set some similar goals, my goal is to try to reach one week without NC and ive done my first week, onto second goal of another week and then i would reward myself with something that makes me happy, like yesterday, i went out to a party in the city with all my friends and dressed up and had a lot of fun.

i know you're having difficulty detaching, so am i, BELIEVE ME, so am i. ive had many amazing people on here kick my a$$ whenever i contact my H or spiral downwards towards self pity all over again. they are a great resource and although im very sad that you are here, im glad you found a place that will help you heal and help you become a better person FOR YOU. you deserve to be happy in life and you will be much better off in the future (with or without your W).

we can do it!! detaching for me is the hardest step and i feel like its the same for you but we both can do it!! think of how amazing your life will be when you reach a stage where you're happy within yourself and no one can ever take that away from you. thats my motivation right now!!