It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[sandycay]

No, nothing new BJ... I just am having a hard time getting over the closure BS. Ya know, there is sometimes a point where your heart stops following and your the head space and brain damage is just to much. I think I may be there. Of course, with all this going on I am not ready to let both of these people go at the same time. (mom & H) I need to lean on him for support with the kids and for myself.

I do not trust anything about him and I have tried really hard. In my mind, everytime he is not in my presence I feel he is contacting her. Now wether he is or is not doesn't matter. What matters is now I don't trust him at all and in no sense. He has proven he can be secretive, he has proven he will put our marriage at risk in order to satisfy his selfish needs (closure BS). It's hard to put into words but I have trusted his word (mostly) until this happened.

So he did arrive here and I told him that night, that while I will always love him I don't want to start having bad feelings about him. My anger is there I don't want it poison our lives together or apart. So, I have told him for right now I need him but to not be confused when this ordeal is over, he and I will mostly likely be over too. I can not be in a relationship were someone is untrustworthy. There is no way I know of that he can prove his trustworthiness to me so I just dont' know how to restore a marriage based on that. He had a chance and he blew it. But for now letting go of two of the people I love the most in the world is impossible but when this is over with my mom it is something I am trying to work out.

Mom update: She came of the vent yesterday. It seems sometime over the last two days she has had a heart attack of sorts. She is fairly stable with all the meds and feeding tube however, we have made the decision when she starts crashing this time we are not going to re-vent her or perform any type of life savings means.

She had hip replacement surgery 10 weeks ago and never left the hospital. They tried to surgical fix this hip in 4 different surgeries and then they finally took the hip out. During one of the rehap stints for the hip her right roatator cuff gave out so now her shoulder is out of socket and cant' be fixed she has no hip, blood clot left leg (already had a filter) now she has a blood clot in her right arm ( can't fix that) an infection that 3 of the most strong antibiotics can't cure (6 weeks on those) her breathing gets compromised and since her first vent she can't even move her arms or fingers or speak. She can nod but dont' know if she is always giving lucid answers. There is no recovery from here. Now, we wait, she has fought a hard fight and continues to do so. It is but a matter of time before the clot breaks lose or the fluid overload on her lungs or heart gives out but it is time. I pray and hope you will to.... that her suffering is not long and that she sleeps peacefully.