Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Wow, I need advice big time, and thanks for you guys giving it to me through my own sitch and reading others..

So I believe my W was just tested me this AM, can you guys and gals offer any advice?

My Little sister, who is 13 and lives at my Dads house has a birthday party coming up soon, and they invited my D8 to the party as a sleepover. My W absolutely can not stand my father, and I know that, and I also know he is hard to deal with, manipulative and tends to put people down. We have always kept my D8 away from him because of this, but that has been hard for me to handle, as he also has good qualities and keeping my D8 from him is difficult on me emotionally.

So, this AM, my W asks me "So, your not thinking of letting D8 stay overnight at your Dad's for the birthday party are you?" My response was "I have not decided yet, but I am leaning against it right now"

Which immediately set her off on a little tirade about why am I using my D8 as a control and manipulative way of getting back at her. I tried to tell her that I understand that she feels that way, but that was not my intention, and that I just had not thought it through yet and come to my own conclusion.

Which lead the inevitable accusations from her about my being manipulative and abusive through the our relationship, how I hated her Mom during our relationship, how I relationships should never require hard work, and that since I didn't understand that, another reason why our relationship was over, and on and on.

I tried to not defend, not accuse, validate, etc, etc, but I did state clearly that I never hated her Mom, but when my W had been talking badly about her Mom, I had tended to agree with her get my W's approval in the past. (I see this now, and that in itself is wrong, and something I am working on for myself, but it is what it is now)

In the end, after she calmed down a bit, I just hugged her and said 'Thanks for talking to me this morning' and am off doing my own thing now.

Sheesh, she has re-written a lot in her mind, I believe, her accusing me of hating her Mom was hurtful to me, though I didn't try and show it.

Probably not much to do I guess after reading this other than to try and dispense with it, and move on to things I want to do for myself.

Oh, thanks to those that recommended the "No More MR. Nice Guy" book, I have that now, and am reading it, and I relate to a lot of what's in it. That's tough to take in itself when you read that book, but I am committed now more than ever to make the changes to myself that I need to make. Wow, what an eye opener.