Thank you for your posts. Here's how crazy my thought process has become.
In addition to sending an email to my wife, I tried to give her a phone call last night in order to invite her to the dinner for my son. Since 6:30 last night until 10:00AM this morning, I get a busy signal when I call her line. That would indicate that her phone is off the hook. She is very religious about checking for voicemails because she works out of her home. I can't believe that she has just left her phone off the cradle for more than 12 hours unless she did that and went out of town. I am concerned that something may be wrong, that she has disconnected the line, or that she has deliberately left the phone off the hook so that she does not have to talk to me. This last point does not make a whole lot of sense to me because I have only called her once or twice in the last month. It's not like I'm stalking her or calling every day. I have no way of knowing what's going on, my imagination is running wild to the worst case scenarios, and there could be a very simple, plausible explanation that has nothing to do with me (but my head goes to the "she hates me stuff). This is very bizarre. A part of me wants to drive over to check on her. I'm not so sure if this is motivated by pure concern for her or if I just want to see if she is getting my messages and to do a status check (which would be really selfish of me and stupid).
I keep thinking back about our twelve years together, and it still boggles my mind that she could just give up and say that she can't live with another person and that she wants to live alone.
I try to convince myself that she is not going to change her mind and come back. I am trying to tell myself that she is dead to me. I look at my experience with her phone over the last day, and it is a metaphor. I keep calling and calling, but there is no one there to pick up the line. I know that I need to stop "calling" and just let it go, but acceptance is very hard.
I guess I could accept this if we had had really overt problems. I guess that we had hidden problems that ran much deeper than I ever suspected.
I thinking that writing this post has helped me to walk myself through a few things. I will not drive over to our house. I sent an email last night. If she gets it, fine. If she accepts the invitation, she'll contact me. No more emails today. No more phone calls to the disconnected phone.
I need to go dark if I can find the self-discipline.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
