What to do when H doesn't contact?

[jon2911]

Lost, that sounds like great stuff! He's going to get very miserable with his parents controlling like that. Same thing happened with my W.

[cville22901]

Beepee:
Drop by my thread on Newcomers/I feel like I'm in a vacuum. Like you, I am the one who suffers from chronic depression. My wife kicked me to the curb four months ago. She does not really have any contact with me at all, and I find that it is very difficult to contend with the dedpression , let alone the separation and divorce.

[Goodfight]

Hope you are right Jon! Still have not heard a word from him. And he never wrote our D12 back yet. It's been 3 weeks since she sent it out. She goes from crying to being very angry at him.

I had a half decent weekend. Sundays are always tough on me because we use to go out on Sunday nights since he didn't have work. So I ended up breaking down for a good 1/2 hour.

I wish he would start missing us, like we miss him.

[Goodfight]

Don't know what to do. Still not a word from him. Never wrote our D12 back or anything. Don't know whether to think it is the depression, MLC, or he just doesn't love any of us anymore. I'm so confused and upset. One thing I do believe his that his step-mother, the one that told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him is controlling part of this.

I'm so sure of that. Heck she pushed 3 out of 4 of my FIL's children away, they haven't spoken in years and he never even got to meet any of his other grandchildren. Only her 2 D's counted not any of his and they have been married over 30yrs.

I'm just so lost right now and could use some support.

[beepee]

Hi Lost;

I'm in the same boat as you. I need support as well so if you ever want someone to cheer you on, come to my thread, I WANT MY MONKEY AND SHEEP BACK and ill stop by here often to see how you're doing.

I'm having a hard time as well, just like you.
No word from my H in awhile, still doesnt want to see or speak with me at all.

a word of advice, there's no point in trying to understand why he left, whether its because of depression, MLC or lack of anymore love towards you. its an unknown at the moment and theres no point in you dwelling on the unknown, it'll make you go mad. trust me, its doing it to me. i dont know what my H is thinking, whether he still loves me or not. i'd like to think that since he actually replies to my emails, that he still has some love left in him for me.

just like you, i feel like my H family and mainly friends are telling him to leave me and to run as far as possible away from me because they never liked me to begin with. and if thats happening to your H, you have to trust that the man you love will make the right decision for himself. he's a big boy, i am sure he can make those decisions himself even though it may take him a very long time to come to his senses.

you just have to wait it our hun, i'm going through so much pain as you are, we're all here for you i want you to get better, you deserve to be happy and give as much as possible to your children, they need you so much right now. and make sure to treat yourself too.

have you done anything positive for yourself? any goals?
have you treated yourself to anything?

i'm treating myself to a trip marthas vineyard tomorrow with some friends. i really dont want to go because i want to sit here and cry but i know its not good for me so theyre forcing me to go.

have you been hanging out with friends? do you have people you can talk to? a counselor?

we're in the same boat but hang in there, its gonna be a tough ride but i know you'll make it!

[Goodfight]

Hi beepee,

I'm so sorry that you are in the same boat as I am as far as the depression and everything.

And you are so right, I really feel like my H family even though I was told that I was the best thing that ever happended to him just a year ago. I guess with all the lies he is making up they think they are giving him good advice. I don't know.

I did go out this weekend, unwilling and let me tell you I had a terrible time. Made it look like I was having an okay time but couldn't wait to get home and sit and cry.

I've been in counseling since Nov. and so has our D12 but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I should be way better than I am at this point it is going to be 9 months.

And with this no contact thing with our D12 since June (he sent her a grad card for elementary school). He never wrote back to her when she sent him his card and a the letter.

At my age I'm really really scared. Already went through a D 15yrs. ago and have a S18 from that marriage and my H has 2 boys from his previous and really thought that we were settled down now for good. Boy, was I wrong! See he is 35 and I'm 41 so I don't know maybe he wanted or wants someone younger or it is the depression or maybe a MLC. I have NO clue whatsoever anymore.

Never thought he would stop contact with the kids especially with his only D that he called his baby girl all of the time. Maybe he is mad at her for telling her counselor that she was worried because he was drinking and driving with her in the car.....I don't know.

I know this doesn't help the pain but you are so young and I wish that I wasn't this old and would be able to start all over but it seems like being this age is a lot tougher. No one to hang out with well, go out with. Everyone of my friends is married and really don't go out. They have younger children etc.

But I heard over the weekend that more people have seen him and he is still being seen by himself all the time so I guess there isn't anyone in his life yet.

Just miss my H so much. And Jon, tells me he will come out of the clouds eventually but I'm starting to think that maybe he just won't at all. Only child support, not paying anything towards the bills (loans, etc. in both of our names) and he makes 3 times the amount I do.

If there is anything I can do to help you I will. You will be in my prayers! I know the pain you are going through. You will have your good days too so keep that in mind.

[beepee]

I did go out this weekend, unwilling and let me tell you I had a terrible time. Made it look like I was having an okay time but couldn't wait to get home and sit and cry.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!! I didn't want to go out either and most of the time when I'm forced to go out by my friends, I don't have a good time either and just like you, want to go home and cry. BUT even if you don't have a good time while you're out, it's SOOOO much better than sitting at home and wallowing. Go out, no matter how much you dont want to, and just take a deep breath, and tell yourself: I'm ALIVE and BREATHING and be happy with that and continue on from there. Don't let your H control how you feel. YOU control how you feel and you need to let go of H for now and focus on yourself.

I've been in counseling since Nov. and so has our D12 but it doesn't seem to be working

Why do you think it's not working? Have you considered going to another C? 9 months is a long time, I personally feel you should have gotten at least some positives out of it.

See he is 35 and I'm 41 so I don't know maybe he wanted or wants someone younger or it is the depression or maybe a MLC. I have NO clue whatsoever anymore.

And you never will until HE decides he wants to clue you in. At this point, he seems to be going through his own crisis, whatever that may be, but there's no point in trying to figure it out. Let him go. I can't say it enough, THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. You deserve more than this, you deserve more than a life of crying. And so do your kids.

I know this doesn't help the pain but you are so young and I wish that I wasn't this old and would be able to start all over but it seems like being this age is a lot tougher. No one to hang out with well, go out with. Everyone of my friends is married and really don't go out.

I get this a lot. I even got this from HIS MOTHER. You're right, I am young, but it doesn't take the pain away at all. I feel the exact same way you do and when it comes to pain, age doesn't really matter. BUT I understand what you're saying about not being able to socialize etc. But I'm going to be mean here, only because I care, so don't take it the wrong way, you're being really negative and it's BS! You're only 41!! Not 81! I know you may not feel it but you ARE still young. Just because you're at that age doesn't mean you can't go out and socialize. Join an activities group! Meet new people! You're not the only one in this position so there are bound to be tons of people you can meet. If your friends don't go out much, find other people who do, it IS possible, you just have to make the effort! Take a class, join a group, there are many options available to you.

not paying anything towards the bills (loans, etc. in both of our names) and he makes 3 times the amount I do.

I'm quite worried about this and don't have any advice to give but hopefully someone else will chime in and give you some advice here. I don't work and my H makes quite a bit and I'm stuck with bills too and he promised me money but NEVER sent any and I don't know what to do either.

You will have your good days too so keep that in mind.

And you will too!!

[Goodfight]

I know your pain is the same, I hope I didn't come off like it wasn't. I didn't mean it that way at all! I meant the age thing, you at least will have people that want to go out with you and things like that. I just meant that it is tougher for a person at my age.

I'm trying really hard with the going out thing and I know that you are right as far as the GAL.

I'm just really scared now that it has been too long and too many lies that he told for him to want to come back.

[beepee]

Hi Lost:

No I didn't take it the way you're thinking at all! I hope I didn't come across as mean, I just wanted you to change your perspective on your age and being able to go out. There's so much you can do. I really suggest you join a group pertaining to something you're interested in, you'll meet people and have so much fun doing what you love!!

I'm just really scared now that it has been too long and too many lies that he told for him to want to come back.

I understand how you feel. I don't think my H will ever come back to me either. And I've have been taking this time apart from his to change my perspectives on our relationship, Do I really want to be with a man who has done this to me? A man who ignores me, wouldn't visit me in the hospital when I was suicidal, and is able to just up and walk out on me as if I was nothing to him? I miss him of course, as you do too. But think about it, do you REALLY want to be with him after what he's done? I'm not saying to give up hope, AT ALL. I would never tell anyone that, I just want you to take a hard look at your situation and at your relationship with this man, who has clearly become a stranger.

Take this time you have to better yourself. Get active, get back to doing hobbies you may have not gotten around to doing when he was around, get back in touch with neglected friends, have fun with your kids!!

What would you do if your H showed up at your doorstep tomorrow and asked to come back. Would you take him back, after what he did? Or would you want more time to figure out what exactly it is you want out of the relationship? I know if my H ever came back to me, today, tomorrow, in a month. I most likely wouldnt take him back..yet. Because I know there's a lot of work I need to do with myself, I wasn't happy within, I expected him to make me happy and I never ever want to go through that again. I never want to place that burden on anyone. I am responsible for my own happiness and taking this time to reach that point is vital to my success in any future relationship. It will take a long time, and that's why this separation is good. I think it's good for you too. It may not feel like it, but try and envision yourself in a place where you're blissfully happy, inside, and no one, not even your H, can ever take that away from you. And because you're happy within, you don't need him and you won't. If he wants to come back, great. If he doesn't, you still have your happiness and you can make it without him.

Hope I'm not rambling!! Trying to get you to see that there are positives in this sitch and you CAN and WILL BE OK!! You just have to work really hard on it!

[Goodfight]

I'm the same as you are...no way would I take him back right away! I already told myself that. He would have to prove to me and the family that he is seeking help and that he would continue if I do let him back.

I just want to see if there is a chance to save our marriage because I do believe in our vows and I know he is sick.

That is one of my biggest problems!

Thanks for everything BP