I thought I had made you mad at me BJ! The truth is.....I knew exactly how "you" meant what you were saying....but I wanted to help you see it from her POV. I hope maybe I did a little. I certainly understand about writing posts when I'm in a hurry b/c I have said things kind of harshly to a newcomer and then realized that particular person was in no shape to hear what I had said right then. Anyway, just wanted to comment on a couple of things here, hoping that you'll see what I'm seeing when you talk. Maybe that is how your W sees you, or maybe it's not.

Quote:
When I'm referring to personal standards, I mean the standards I hold myself to NOT what I hold others to. I did not mean this in the context of being "right" or having the only opinion that matters or putting other people down. I am NOT always right. What I'm referring to here is always striving to be the best that I can be: best father, husband, son, brother, friend, employee, etc. I think that you captured some of the problems with this as it relates to my W in this first paragraph of your post. Both my W and I agree that she does have self esteem issues.


If you knew some of my relatives, you would know why I can almost picture you in my mind. Maybe you are one of my relatives! (Just kidding.) I knew what you meant by your personal standards and perhaps you have no problem mixing the standards you set for yourself from those you think others should have, however, "most" people who expect a lot from themselves.....expect a lot of others. Maybe you don't.....and if not, then you are an exception. However, since your W has low self-esteem, you would have to be cautious not to cause her to feel that you are stepping on her toes.....especially when talking "to" her or "about" other situations. It simply comes through our conversations to others, (with most people in most cases). Yes, you know you are not automaticaly "right" about every issue, but can you lay it down without arguing or stating your case about how you see it? If she tends to be passive, then you may come across as being a bit over-bearing. I don't know.....just speculating.

Quote:
I do not intimidate my W or use strong arm tactics of any sort in my dealings with her.


You may think you do not intimidate her, but she may "feel" the intimidation and won't admit it to you. May be her pride that keeps her from saying anything. But IMHO, people who feel low self-esteem can easily be intimidated by a stronger personality.

So, anyway, enough about all of that. Just hope it may have given you a spotlight from a different angle.

How has she seem the last couple of days?



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!