Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

[cat04]

Almost, that was an excellent analogy.

Your H is not the only one who has done that. My H will be very nice, considerate, and then I open up and suddenly, bam, he is feeling "pressure". No you asked, duh.......... So yes Trusting, please be careful. They make us feel guilty for not telling them, not seeming to trust them, but when we do open ourselves, it is usually a mistake. Eventually we will probably be able to share with them. I keep a journal myself that I think maybe someday H will see. If you can find your center, you will know exactly what and when to share with him. Then sad part is, I think they do care, they just aren't sure if they want to. Of course you also have to realize that being that close to someone scares them. Because if they know you that well, then you know them that well and they don't want people to see that far into them right now. Probably have always been a little like that.

It is always a learning process. Pay attention to what YOU are doing more than what he is doing. How are YOU reacting to him? Is it the same as in the past, if so can you change it? Is it different? If so, what are the consequences? Do they seem to make a difference? Do they make YOU feel ok about you still? You, we, may change because of THEM, but we can't change FOR them. We have to change for ourselves. Of course, we don't want to make ourselves a bigger monster in their eyes, but if you aren't comfortable with a change, say it leaves you feeling like a doormat even though H seems to like it, then it isn't the right change. Also, I know you are still at the beginning, but work on YOU. Why did you behave the way you did? Even though we may not like to see it, SOME of their complaints about us are legitimate. Someone else here said that they are working on childhood issues (or avoiding them), but we have to work on ours as well. Looking back over 20 years with my H, I have seen who I was and how I was and what it was between us that brought us together. I have also seen how I have changed when my S came along, how I grew but also how I ignored my own stuff and how it manifested in my behavior. Having dealt with that stuff now, I am more like I was when we met. Except more mature. LOL. I also see how I have almost always walked on eggshells with H. I think part of the reason we get the blame and become LBS is because they see what is really wrong long before we do, they just don't know how to change it. I think then fear takes over and bam. One of the most telling things my H said to me was "I don't want to keep doing this to you and you doing this to me and I don't know how to change it because I keep doing it". Yes he actually took the blame on himself, but he saw that if we kept going like we were, NOTHING would change because we would keep treating each other the way we were. No we didn't have a horrible marriage, but there were definately times when there was distance between us, where we were not as close as we could have been, where we just were not clicking and it hurt. It hurt us both. Unfortunately, the MLC monster stepped in during one of those times and here we are. But I'm good with me now and that is important.