Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Sandi,

Perhaps you have not been hard enough on ME.... either that or I'm paying the price for tapping out a crappy post before running out the door. I have to admit, there are days when I just have to jump on here to post/vent to get stuff off my chest- sometimes I can't always wait when it is most convenient.

Like every LBS or potential LBS, there is absolutely another side of my story- my W's side. I have made mistakes in our MR and I accept full accountability for them. I am NOT "Mr. Perfect" by a long shot! Despite what she is going through with her EA, she does have legitimate issues with me and our MR.

She is saying a lot refering to you as a "Boy Scout" and "Mr. Pefect"........that says volumes to me. One, she sees you as a "goodie-two-shoes"......which must have a degree of turn-off for her. Especially since she seems drawn to the bad boys. Second, by calling you Mr. Perfect, she feels that you are too ridgid and self-rightous and she feels very inferior to you! That's the biggest thing right there......her self-confidence is lacking when she's around you. Perhaps she feels more important, more confident around OM b/c she knows she more classy than he could ever be!

When I'm referring to personal standards, I mean the standards I hold myself to NOT what I hold others to. I did not mean this in the context of being "right" or having the only opinion that matters or putting other people down. I am NOT always right. What I'm referring to here is always striving to be the best that I can be: best father, husband, son, brother, friend, employee, etc. I think that you captured some of the problems with this as it relates to my W in this first paragraph of your post. Both my W and I agree that she does have self esteem issues.

It takes a strong woman to hold her own with a man who is angry and talking down to her. It especially takes a strong woman when that man is her H. Over time....she begans to wear down and finally gives up and lets him win the arugments b/c it just isn't worth it. My question is, why must you always win? Most people feel that they are right in their opinions of what's right/wrong. Is she never right? And, why did you have to talk down to her in order to win? Isn't that being a bully? Doesn't the OM talk down to her also???

Sandi, There is no justification for talking down to my W under any circumstances- ever. The incidents where I talked down to her involved four separate car accidents along with a handful of other disputes regarding money or child rearing. These incidents occurred some time ago- like many of her complaints. Looking back, these were immature outbursts of frustration on my part and served little purpose beyond making my W feel bad. I have mellowed out some with age!

Regarding arguments with my W, it's not that I must always win- that is not it at all. I am not always right and my W is not always wrong. Rather, it is more of me having the stronger of the two personalities in the R and just being a naturally passionate person whereas my W is more laid back. Not considering the "talk down" incidents above, I do not intimidate my W or use strong arm tactics of any sort in my dealings with her. I definitely do NOT see myself a bully whereas OM has a public record of being a punk/bully. And yes, I believe that OM has verbally bullied my W.

If there are things in my posts which suggest I could/might be a bully by some definition, I'd sure like specific feedback on that, because I absolutely hate bullies!

4. that she feels that my love for her is conditional (not accurate from my perspective).

Well let me tell you, I could certainly understand why she would think your love for her was conditional. Not accurate from your perspective? Go back and read numbers 1-3 and tell me she doesn't have a right to think that! You really are blind to yourself, aren't you? You take "pride" in what you should be ashamed of! That isn't how you should treat your wife and kids! Bet your kids feel like they have a hard time living up to your expectations also. You better be careful or you will have children with a lot of "issues" where daddy is concerned.

Yikes! I guess I can't argue with your conclusions given how my post came across- and with limited information. I've had quite a few sessions with my IC and being "blind" to myself isn't something that has been identified as an issue for me. Not that it couldn't be- I'm not here just looking for sympathy for my sitch- I genuinely want feedback to help me be a better person, husband and father.

The conditional love issue with my W does relate at least in part to her sense of my expectations of her and perhaps deserves it's own post within this thread to really drill down on. The bottom line is that I married my W because I love her as a complete package; her strengths far outweigh her weaknesses. Just because I've been frustrated with her in the past- as she has been with me on occasion- doesn't mean that I don't love her unconditionally.

Well it's getting late. I hope I clarified a few things for you Sandi because I don't want you to think that I'm "The Great Santini" by any means! I respect your feedback very much. Thank you for calling me out on what I put out there so I could provide additional info. BTW, I read in one of your previous posts that you were out ill recently. Hope you are feeling much better. Take care.

BJ















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