My x-BIL and his new wife had their baby today. I will be on LI tomorrow, having been invited by the x-SIL to go camping with my kids, her, her H and son (a scouting thing, something I practically grew up with). I will be close enough that I could stop for a short visit to the hospital. I won't without an invite, though...
I'm not sure if I will be an aunt to this baby. I don't know my place, anymore. I am guessing not. I can send presents, but he probably won't grow to know me. The natural consequences of divorce. My FIL was the one to call me with the baby's name - it was at 4pm, and the baby was born at 8:30am. And it's ok, just an observation.
Yesterday was my S's birthday - 14. He is really growing to be a good person; in a quiet moment today, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make things better for him, something I wasn't doing, for where he is, where our family is. I mentioned how I was seeking forgiveness, and to be able to forgive other's hurts against me, even if I have to re-forgive every day, every time a different thought comes into my head. He said there wasn't anything else I could do for him, that he was ok, and said his father had never asked him that. This was after the gf's kids, having come over from across the street (where their father had met them for their weekend visitation), were all hanging out at my house. It is bizarre - these little souls, stuck in this mess, and they won't even remember a time when it wasn't like this. They don't ask to come over, they just wander here when they see me or my kids outside. They make small talk - the littlest is going into 1st grade, the other into 2nd. My kids' psuedo-step-sisters. My sister is not convinced that one or both of them isn't fathered by my x. Nothing would surprise me, anymore.
I had been pulling into the driveway when the gf was across the street, dropping her kids off for the visit. I just went inside; her and her x are cordial, talk to each other often, and can be together "for the kids."
I guess it brings me to wonder if...
stupid word, if.
But this is more the "if he ever thinks back on me, on us, and remembers any of the good....if he misses his friend." I sometimes envy those here who have a WAS who comes to them and says they realize now that it was all a mistake, not what they wanted. Those WAS's who are confused and flip-flop. My X never did. The light-switch got flipped, and he was gone, then only angry. Just like that. He has never waivered. Does that make him more screwed up, or less?
I know....none of it matters. It is all as if from a dream, something that I used to know, long ago. And I wonder how much of it was dream, was real. I know that I chose to be happy in the marriage I was in, in spite of the flaws.
And I choose to be happy, now. But there are still moments of quiet mourning. I will take the moments; it's not my entire life and existence, anymore.
I do wonder about my other friends, the "in-real-life" friends. I think I have a collection of acquaintances. I have one very close friend, but she lives in another state and we can't be together often. My x was my closest of friends, so I didn't develop many other ones. I am working on that, but it is hard. Even here, I wonder how others' perceive me, as I post less and less but don't seem to be missed much (that is NOT a convert ploy to have people post! I just wonder what it is about me...too serious? too boring? too something.......) I think I remember reading once that ACOA people have a poor idea of how others perceive them. I don't rush out to try to become someone I'm not, or do things for others to validate me - I am just trying to be who I am, my authentic self. Maybe I am just wondering where that will take me... working on becoming the best ME I can be, the best version of my authentic self.
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On another note, X did the work on the AC in the house last weekend. It isn't finished, and he nearly killed the tech who came to get the unit charged and running (wiring mistake and the guy got electrocuted). So, I called in an electrician and will just pay to get the work complete. The contractor guy who has been doing work on the house came back from vaca, except he had bought the materials for the deck that I had scapped the idea of, since the money is quickly drying up. A new major leak in the basement required him to redo the front porch he had worked on for me. Then, I needed him to tear out the mess of a bathroom downstairs that X had started and left a mess, instead - so, that is straightened out, and the bathroom is gutted. I even found a new sink that I can re-use (I have NO idea where it came from or how long it was in the basement!) New windows are on order for the basement, and the in-ground pool will be demo'd by the end of next week. With those major projects done, I will feel like my investment (the house) is up-to-date with maintenance.
I'm just so fortunate that I have some time to address all of these things before work and school is pressing down on me again.
