Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

And so the fun begins - been out of work for 2 1/2 days now - haven't really looked too much for a job - Think its still setting in - plus I decided to use some of the time to bond with S3 and work on his swimming - and my tan

She dropped him off at home this morning around 8am - I made her a cup of coffee and her favorite bagel(onion with butter - nothing fancy). She took it with her to go - she was running late. It felt really good to do something for her instead of myself for a change - best part was I didn't want a thank you or acknowledgment of it - was just happy that she accepted it. On another counter was the literature from Retrouvaille, she picked it up and read through it, but never made any comments about it, guess it could be a positive sign that she didn't throw it out or even say forget it - maybe one day soon we will have a conversation between us where I can bring it up and possibly get her to go.

I know that my W has access to my email account - I never changed password - nothing to hide - unlike her changing her immediately. But she did call and ask if she had my approval to send out resumes on my behalf. No problem, nothing in there go ahead and log in. This was yesterday. Today started my weekend early with S3, she called me in the middle of the afternoon, asked if I had emailed out any jobs, and what I was doing. Told her in her uncles pool with S3, got a quick snappy reply - It must be nice. Not getting defensive in tone I just said, not really the time with him is great, but I would prefer to be working to know that money was coming in to continue paying bills. The call dropped or she hung up not sure.

She did call back later, and said that the circus is in area this weekend. I told her I was aware of that, and she said she had free passes to get in, that she would drop off at house after work. OK thanks. Got home and she was parked outside as if waiting for me to pull up. Now my/our friend is staying at house until his job transfer from NY to Vegas completes. She wouldn't even go in and say hi to him.

She gave me the tickets, I asked her if she wanted to go - got a sarcastic No. Asked her what she had planned for the night - nothing - wished her a good night as she drove off.

Missed a couple of calls from her while waiting on line for circus - called her back - she said Oh I just wanted to make sure that you would be able to get in. Yes, we are at front of the line and its starting to get long - she said enjoy the show and I'll talk to you later. I called her after the show - we started having a good conversation about each others nights and as luck would have it - her cell battery dies - and her charger is at work - great - hopefully we can pick up the conversation where he left off in a good mood after she charges her phone.

At this point in the conversations we have had, I'm not sure of what she wants from us if anything. The few times that it has been brought up she is still looking to get divorce - and she has put the movements on hold with her lawyer, not believing that I can change, but every conversation between us now is usually her trying to make me angry(which doesn't work) or her bringing up the past and not being able to let it go/move past it/ forget about it. I totally understand that - which is the reason for me changing - changing to be the person that I would want somebody to love me for - not the selfish !@#@$@%% that I was. Hopefully someday she will want to rescind the motion and continue to work on us.

Right now I'm am just going to back off a little on job hunting - did get a severance, and focus more on time with S3, myself , and my friend staying has been begging me to do the drive to Vegas with him and stay at his place for a week. I am considering it, but also weighing out the advantages/disadvantages it may have on my R and M with W, Vegas was someplace that she and I had always spoke about to together.