I woke up to a nightmare this morning. Karma, kicks me in the a$$ every time.
H very, VERY upset(angry). A friend of mine who happened to visit 2 nights ago sent him an e-mail. Basically she told him what she thought of what he's doing and that he is a "piss poor" role model for our S. I didn't know about the e-mail til this morning.
H had gone so far to read a text she sent this morning telling me she sent the e-mail and that I should leave him. (I knew none of this til I woke up) H went thru all my texts to find one I wrote to her the other morning asking if she was up and did H run away (I knew he wouldn't stay around to see her).
Okay, after H gets over his 'fit' and shows me the e-mail, we talk. H still doesn't think he's having an affair (I told him it was an emotional affair). Then we get on the topic of our S. I asked if he's talked with S since this whole thing started. No. I told him S is at a very impressionable age and is looking to his father as a role model, as a man and as a H. I asked what do you think you talking on the phone with that thing makes S think and feel? H said probably not good. H says he hasn't talked to OW on phone in front of S in a couple weeks (since that boundary I set). BUT, not true cause he talked all the time at his parents house, which I informed him of. H denied. I said S saw him as did others who asked S who H was on the phone with. I told H S does not feel H is spending any time with him (as evidenced by the other morning when S said something when H left for 2nd job). H said he had no idea about S. I said what you are doing doesn't just affect me, but also our S. H commented he might need help in how to deal with S.
I can't remember the whole conversation but I did tell H I strongly feel he needs IC and who gives a crap what the military says about it.
I feel like we've gone 10 steps back. No, maybe 100. Ahhhh...I feel like screaming and crying and crawling into a hole.
When H showed me the e-mail he asked I stay back while he pulls it up. Why...I saw why. All the rest of the e-mails were from OW. H hasn't stopped sh!T with OW. I don't know how much more I can live with.
I hate this feeling I have. I want to die again, I hate this pain. And I am SO MAD at myself for feeling this way. It truly pisses me off that I get feeling this way. Here I was feeling so strong yesterday and WHAM...back down again.
H is out for a run then I think working other job. How do I handle another conversation with him? I think I need to get the he!! out of the house with S or something. I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I'm sorry your day had to start this way, but you need to realize now that this path back to emotional health and strength for your family is NOT going to be a straight-line path. The truth is you're not as strong as you thought you were yesterday, nor are you as weak and horrible as you feel you are this morning.
And actually, I think you handled the conversation quite well, really.
You did well in enforcing your boundaries, speaking plain truth in love, and in protecting your son. I think where you veered off track was in letting your H put you on the defensive about your friend. A simple "I can't help what other people decide to say to you; I've decided that I'm no longer willing to cover up your affair," and left it at that. Or "I certainly didn't tell or ASK her to contact you, but I'm also not going to protect you from the consequences of your affair -- this is YOUR mess; I"m not going to clean it up for you." Or something similar.
I'm not sure what you mean by "fit", but if he was ranting disrespectfully, shouting, etc., or using language that you're not comfortable with, just end the conversation calmly by saying "I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. I don't deserve to be disrespected this way," and walk away. It takes two to have a conversation.
I do think you should plan ways, logistically, to avoid as many of these situations with him as possible. But if confronted again, just do as I suggest above.
YOU DID FINE. You're trying to judge how "correctly" you handled a difficult situation, by how ANGRY he got, or how upset you feel right now -- and neither are good yardsticks. The only yardsticks you need to be concerned with right now are "Did I do THE RIGHT THING" (and you did), and "LONG-TERM, does this get me closer to my goal?" (and I think it does).
Sorry about this. DON'T make any decisions or react right now. You are mad, and rightfully so.
Getting out with S for breakfast or whatever reason is a good idea.
You feel like you are back down b/c YOU still care - and that's ok. But, you should be proud of yourself - you stood your ground in a tough situation. Do you realize that? You played it well. Now, ball's in his court.
Sort through your feelings - don't fight them. Let them out - alone. Regroup when you are calm.
Also, once W and I began our problems, I put a password on my blackberry so she could not acces it. Always had that on my laptop. You should put a password on your devices. Next he snoops (and that's exactly what he did - would be a boundary issue for me as long as problems exist), and if he has the balls to ask you why (which your H has shown no shrtage of), tell him your emails/txts are your business right now.
When H got back from his run, he hugs me. H says he's confused etc. We sit down in the family room and H talks about his feelings, how confused he is, that he can't take it anymore and feels he needs to make a decision, either way etc... I listened. Yes, just listened. I thought of this board and the threads I have read and kept my mouth shut. IT WAS HARD! H would say something so off the wall or something to make me want to scream and defend but I kept it all in. I just kept replaying in my head "Listen to him, really listen. Look at him in the eyes and listen."
I did talk when H asked me where I was at. I said I am taking it one day at a time. I told him I adopted that saying about a week ago and am currently living that way. I said if he wants to "get his head out of his a$$" (as he put it) or grow the he11 up, then perhaps we can start to build a new relationship. I told him no matter how this turns out it won't be easy.
H said last Friday when I left was a turning point for him. H said he couldn't stand what he did to the W whom he had professed his love to.
I ended the conversation, got up to let the dog in. I hope I'm on the right path here. I've always been the one H could turn to, to talk to, to make things better. I can't do that for him this time.
Okay, you guys should be proud of this. I DID NOT cry. I was about to when I wrote my earlier post but I held it in. I know it's okay to cry but it wasn't the right time because I knew H would be walking back through the door at any moment. (H did comment on how strong I am since returning from this past weekend)
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
You handled that BEAUTIFULLY. "Expect nothing; GIVE nothing." Let him talk, listen and VALIDATE.
Your husband is still trying to make this all about HIM. Even the way he frames his apologies ("I hate that I did this to you"), is very self-centered, and typical of someone who is wayward and confused.
I'd suggest, in addition to your "one day at a time" thing, you start to add in a "I'm not sure what I want right now," or something similar. He needs to know that you're not just sitting there waiting for him, that the longer he waits, the more he's going to lose you.
Ashlee, I'm sorry your day started so badly! You did fine.
But I would suggest...walking away from such immature, harmul outbursts. Immediately!
Originally Posted By: Ashlee
H went thru all my texts to find one I wrote to her the other morning asking if she was up and did H run away (I knew he wouldn't stay around to see her).
Boundary Violation! Time to set another boundary, on this behavior.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
YOU DID FINE. You're trying to judge how "correctly" you handled a difficult situation, by how ANGRY he got, or how upset you feel right now -- and neither are good yardsticks. The only yardsticks you need to be concerned with right now are "Did I do THE RIGHT THING" (and you did), and "LONG-TERM, does this get me closer to my goal?" (and I think it does).Puppy
Yes.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
