but now i have a problem. after talking to my close female friend, i really do believe i am over my W. maybe not mentally, but i think my heart is really over her. i put forth all my effort into the R we had, and she was still able to pick up and leave. i've talked about before wanting answers to why she did it, but i really don't care now.
You call that a PROBLEM? That isn't a problem, but the solution.
THEY DON'T USUALLY COME BACK UNTIL THEY FEEL YOU HAVE LET GO.
She needs to FEEL you have let go. Since you are telling me that you feel you have let go, then that means you are on the right track. That means you are becoming healthy. To have a healthy relationship it take two healthy people. (one down, and one to go huh?)
NOW.. Since you are becoming healthy, you need to have enough healthiness to admit that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is NOT healthy. (which would be your wife)
The question becomes... "How does she become healthy and how do I help her to become healthy?"
The answer is that you DON'T help her become healthy. You have to let her get to the point where she CHOOSES to become healthy and wants to become healthy.
What made you want to work on the relationship and want to make it work? What helped you to take a look at YOU?
Wasn't it the "crisis" of losing her? Wasn't it the crisis that she seemed to have "let go of you?" Suddenly you wanted to do whatever it took to be with her. Did that not include anything and everything that you could find or read or learn about how to be a better husband?
Of course you did.
This is why it works best to reconcile by allowing HER to go through a "crisis" (of major proportions) It is the crisis that sparks people to change their behavior.
She has to come to the point where she is telling herself AND you that SHE is now willing to do anything and everything to make your relationship work. She is not in the "crisis" point yet. You have to be healthy enough to allow her to go through it as you did. THAT takes someone who is healthy to understand how important that is.
She then would be telling YOU and showing you with her words and actions that she means business.
The healthy person either moves on if she fails to respond to your new healthy attitude OR they set the ground rules and the conditions of the attempt at reconciliation...
This is why the "I have been doing some thinking becomes so important in the timing.....
She HAS to tell you why SHE wants to try. You then say things like... "Well, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want. I don't want to be with somone who will have an affair. I don't want to be with someone who swears at me. We argue too much. I don't WANT to be with a woman who argues with me all the time. I can now see why you moved out and understand why you did. It WASN'T working. You were right and I now realize it."
You don't reconcile UNTIL your conditions are met. (do you know what YOUR conditions are?) If she is truly interested in reconciling then THAT is the start to a successful reconcilation. You DO NOT reconcile BEFORE.
Of COURSE you have things you are going to change. Of COURSE you did things that you shouldn't do again. You don't agree to those UNTIL she agrees to your conditions.
THAT is what will make your relationship healthy, it will make the reconciliation have a much better chance of working and it will allow each of you to work on yourself.
You can't make this work if you are healthy and she isn't. You would be foolish (and not healthy) to allow HER to be back with you until SHE has done some self examination...
CRISIS is what is the catalyst to get most people to consider a change. Allowing her to FEEL she may have lost you is the catalyst that is your best chance for her to go through that crisis. Allow her to go through the threat of irrevocably losing you. It sure worked on you and I have seewn it work on most of the people on this site. And yet many can't seem to see this reality.
Hold the line. Nothing wrong with standing strong and showing her that YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING... AND you HAVE. Good for you.
