So apologize to him. You let it go and he has to let it go, but it starts with you saying you're sorry. And you aren't really apologizing for going on the trip. You are apologizing to him for his bad feelings about it. Because whatever his reasons are for feeling angry about you going on that trip really isn't for you to judge. Just understand, right, wrong or different, he really is mad about it and yes, that's a really long time to be mad about something.
Why would you give up now?
I think everyone on this board is tired. Even the ones who just got here. Do you have any idea how long BeginnersMind has been fighting this out? She's amazing. This is a MARATHON.
You give up now, you are the one breaking the promise.....I have no idea what your vows were but I said For Better or For Worse.....didn't once mention giving up during the rough patches.....and for all of us, this is the latter, not the former.
Why would you want to quit now? What has happened lately or not happened that you want to stop?
My kid is too young right now so he probably won't remember the fight Mommy put up for this marriage, but I often keep going with this thought "I want my kid to be proud of me. I want him to think of me when he needs motivation after he hits those bumps in life and say 'My mother would fight this out...I know she would, I've seen her do it'."
I think your kids are teens right? Don't be a doormat, but you can fight for this with all your honor, respect and integrity on your sleeve.
Not trying to hijack but in church the other night, the substitute minister told us her story.
One day, she decided to quit. Quit her job, her relationship, her life. She went into the forest to have one last talk with God.
God came to her and said, do you see that fern and that bamboo? Well I planted them here. After one year, the fern grew from a seed into that beautiful fern. The bamboo--nothing. But I did not quit. The second year--nothing. But I did not quit watering the area and caring for the bamboo. The third year-nothing. The fourth-nothing, but I did not quit. On the fifth year, the bamboo sprouted into a tiny insignifigant shoot compared to the flourishing fern. But I did not quit and that bamboo has grown to what it is today. It spent years growing under the ground, developing a firm root system. I did not quit on it and I will not quit on you. The story gave her inspiration to continue on with her life, which is now very full and happy.
Almost, you are right most of us are tired but then something like that comes along and reminds us why we are still here. Kelly, only you can decide what is best for you, and when the time is right, you will know what to do.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
adb, I want to walk with you but am not sure if I have the strength anymore. I want to give up. I wish I had your determination.
I flew to NY a few years ago with a male I work with and the two of us stayed with a male gay couple that we had went to college with years ago. We are all 4 friends and husband said he did not want me to go but was not going to tell me what to do since I was an adult. (Husband is homophobic.) I went. It was selfish on my part but I knew I would never have the opportunity again.
It came up in our argument this week and I really think husband has held that grudge for years.
Before H started hanging out with people at his work that I think were a bad influence on him, he would go out with my friends and I really miss that. I have asked him the last 3 times I had an outing to go to and he declined.
Kelly,
Where is your thread at ?
Or....just start one here....whichever, but something with a little background.
MlC is a loooooooong road....but worth it from what I hear....
As long as YOU do the work too...
Real quick like though as not to tie up Almost's thread too much....
You don't lose when you fail....you only lose when you quit...
Give it your all and see what happens...
And at the risk of owing the Pirate a nickel....
....We are all in this together....alone.
And the trip ?
Sorry Almost, but what I read was ....blah,blah,blah
Hey you all are welcome to take up this thread as much as you want...no worries all are welcome.....
As far as the trip, I completely agree it was blah blah blah. HOWEVER, I do believe he truly believes he has a right to be upset about it. Something her going on that particular trip with that particular group did not make him happy. I agree, she probably should have gone and I hope she had a freaking blast! But whether we understand his anger and whether we can really say yes or no to 'is his anger justified?' doesn't really matter, I think. I believe it really bugged him and has for a long time. So let him let it go and by apologizing, but not for going on the trip, for the fact he had bad feelings about it.
Be honest, don't we all have something our spouse did that we know we shouldn't be mad, irritated or upset but for some reason, we just are? And wouldn't it be nice for them to acknowledge it with an apology.....maybe not for doing whatever but for the hurt feelings it caused in us?
I do and I apologized. Went a long way I think.
But again, this is everyone's call for themselves.
Hey Almost, I think I am more hardheaded than amazing, but thanks for your kind words. It is pretty simple for me. I made a promise before God. I dont break my promises. It's how I live my life.
Listen, have I made mistakes in my marriage, you bet. I can honestly say, never consciously or with malicious intent. I was very, very sick. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. Not an excuse, I dont really believe in those. But, I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Truth be told, it was very difficult on my h.
Did it give him the right to have an affair and put us in financial ruin? Absolutely not. He did things that didnt help me or our us during the marriage. But, I believe he did the best he could with the tools he had, too. Then he got lost.
Anyway, I think Mach (hope he doesnt mind) meant, that Kelly's h may have been upset at the time, but him bringing it up as the cause of some of the problems is what MLCers do. They bring up past things, rewrite history, blame their spouses. It's part of the script.
Anyway, I think Mach (hope he doesnt mind) meant, that Kelly's h may have been upset at the time, but him bringing it up as the cause of some of the problems is what MLCers do. They bring up past things, rewrite history, blame their spouses. It's part of the script.
I actually think that it's scary that you understand me so well......LOL
I don't mind at all B......
Sombody has to decipher all my code language...
Now....How can I put into code that I need to kick you in the pants for missing that Computer class.......
I understood and yes, it's an excuse ultimately....another reason to be mad at her and take a swing, like she's not down enough. BUT to stop that from ever coming back up, I think, it to "act as if" he really could be hurt from this.....this incident he's been harboring bad feelings about and apologize for his bad feelings--but not for going on a fun trip that I bet she deserved.
Wow it amazes me how we get to a point where we can just see script. LOL. I do agree with Almost, apologize that you hurt his feelings. It doesn't mean you were wrong in what you did, except that maybe you didn't consider him as much as he THINKS you should have. One thing I have learned is that even though that stuff probably gets exaggerated during this, there were things that we could have done differently, considered our S's more, and it did hurt them. What we must remember is that just like we have our feelings about things, and they might not agree or like them, they also have their feelings and even if we don't agree with them, doesn't make them any less valid. And since the concensus is that MLC has much to do with them feeling like their feelings mean nothing to anyone (stemming from childhood), it is very very important to validate NO MATTER WHAT. They take it in, sit with it, and sometimes we see the results, sometimes we don't. But it is important.
On a side note--Mach--we have been at this about the same amount of time, this past week, when I talk to H, I have had this overwhelming desire to tell him "I love you". It just pops into my head and I have to bite my tongue to keep it from spilling out. Hasn't happened in a long time because I know I shouldn't. Any thoughts? Maybe I should add that I think I am finally watching him slide to the bottom. I have noticed that the replay behaviors have become practically zero in the last month or so and can see the depression setting in. I don't know if I should be relieved or not LOL. Just sitting on the side watching the rollercoaster go down and down and down.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Almostdonebut..., I haven't posted to you before, but I have read your stich. I think you have a good chance to reunite with H. I do want to offer you this advice. 1. Let him be, he told you point blank, so let him come back. 2. Don't dwell on what happened or didn't happen with OW. If you want to make this work, you must wipe the slate clean. Don't throw things up in his face if you fight or argue. If you truly want your marriage to work, you must forget all that has happened and start new.
