I am frozen. Well, part of my heart is frozen. It is not open - not all the way. The part that's closed is full of fear. That is some of what I feel when I let myself feel. Most of my heart is open, so I also feel joy, happiness, excitement, even love, but I feel myself limiting my expression and reception of these feelings...holding back and pushing away because I feel fear. Here's something else I have learned...the only way to get rid of the fear is to feel it...really feel it...cry about it, hurt from it, acknowledge its presence and then let it go.
Instead, I have been asking others to do the impossible...to give me words to comfort me, to assure me that I have nothing to fear. These words work, too - they temporarily assuage the fear. The thing is, because I am not letting myself feel, the words really are only a temporary fix. The fear comes back because I have not let myself feel it - that and because my fear is not something to be fixed by someone else's words or even deeds. I have been in this nasty little cycle for a very long time. It is time to put an end to that cycle.
It is time to feel my way out of it. So, I am feeling things...lots of things. It's odd, as I let myself feel...really feel, I am experiencing quite a mix of emotions - at the same time I feel a lot of fear, I also feel empowered by facing the feelings and just sitting with them...accepting them rather than fighting them. There are good feelings in there, too, and the amazing thing is that they are also intensified when I simply feel them, acknowledge them and then let them go.
Sorry if this post is a bit cryptic...not my intention. I have been told by a couple of very special, very trusted people in my life that I often try to intellectualize that which instead ought to be felt. Until very recently, I had no idea what that meant. I think I am starting to understand it now...
