"as i enabled a codependent R to continue as i didn't have a clue it was happening. that enabled her to do alot of the things she did and not take responsibility for them, and she STILL HASN't to a large extent."
This doesn't sound like accepting responsibility. What specific issues did she have with you? Did you have a temper? Spend lots of money, etc. Those kinds of issues.
I think if you can look at your flaws and hers and come to some kind of understanding it'll help give you compassion and clarity. If you don't have the compassion (the ability to understand what she's going through by being in her shoes) for her any more (which is what really sustains a M) then it's not going to work long-term.
I don't know what gucci's take is on this because he's spent alot of time telling you how to bring her back but without any emotion tied to it. That seems to be what you're struggling with.
AAK is right. Emotions come and go. Just start with going into meeting her with no expectations. Maybe you need to go into it completely neutral and see if after the talk if it's worth a shot.
Good luck to you.
thank you stuck.
i'm preparing myself for wednesday by not having any expectations. i just truly want to see if i feel ANYTHING when she is here.
and as far as what you asked, i was the finance officer of the household. i let her pretty much spend our money on what she wanted AS LONG as we had enough for the bills to be paid. i actually rarely bought anything for myself, usually she spent money on unnecessary items, which i wouldn't even comment on, i know it sometimes showed on my face though.
i never once in our entire R called her a name, although she called me several during our R to push my buttons. I only got angry once with her when she endangered her freedom by doing something dumb. i was like her dad. THAT was a problem. nobody shoudl have to care FOR someone else. caring about them is what it should be. again, codependency at it's worst.
i spent the first 4 weeks analyzing myself after she left. i worked on my perception of the situation and our past R, and came to grips with it. however, since she's been gone, i've also looked at how she LEFT the R and how immature she was in the manner she did it. i stood by her side the entire time we were together and supported her mentally and emotionally. i never left her once, yet she was able to pack up and leave in the fashion she did. i don't know how i'm going to accept that and never think she isn't capable of just doing it again. even if i am able to successfully overcome the former nature of a codependent R. i DO NOT want to go through this again with ANYBODY.
and for the record, i guess she thought i was controlling in the regard she didn't have absolute freedom to do whatever she wanted. she had more freedom in our R then anyone i know of, she just constantly craved that independence. now she has it and says it's not the same because i'm not there to share it with her. whatever. i'm working on me. she either gets on the bus or it's leaving without her.
