and to answer everyone else's points or questions, (which i do appreciate all of them) goes like this.
The "OW" in my life is nothing right now. the deepest conversation we've gotten into is that she went to the eye doctor the other day and she needs to up her prescription on her contacts.
my close female friend is only a friend, and i've known her for quite some time. she has amazing insight into my W's head and way of thinking because they share SO MANY CHARACTERISTICS. she says almost verbatim what you guys on here tell me. only with the knowledge of my W and my sitch. she's been a tremendous help. she's also been divorced twice, and has emphasized alot of what my W has felt and is feeling. she's been a tremendous help, and she is the one who strongly believes i needed to pull her back from the edge a little bit with everything that happened this last week. and i agree.
and in talking to my close female friend, she says she can hear it in my words and in my voice that my heart just isn't in it anymore. my mind might still be a little bit, but that creates a whole new set of problems on it's own.
and to finish, the problems in the R were not ALL HERS. they were mine also as i enabled a codependent R to continue as i didn't have a clue it was happening. that enabled her to do alot of the things she did and not take responsibility for them, and she STILL HASN't to a large extent.
i'm not lost right now, i'm just really questioning if this IS what I want. i'm not getting any younger, and I don't want someone who just keeps running in and out of the R I'm in.
I just want to know how to proceed with her, without allowing her to sink back into her old ways. I want her to pursue me if that is truly what she wants, but in the meantime, i need to figure out what I WANT. i'm not trying to push her away. actually i'm not doing anything. she still is the first one to contact me, even with today. i just made it seem like it wasn't (long story and a little deceitful but oh well).
i'm not asking anyone to tell me what i want. i just want to know how to proceed while i figure it out.
