Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Kettricken]

Someone on my other board this AM posted the following:

"My self-esteem must be based on the fact that I am a child of God,
not what others think,
not what I have done in the past,
not what others do,
not what I have achieved,
just that I am loved by the creator of the universe."

It doesn't take much imagination to tweak that for nonbelievers. Kinda cuts through the crap to bedrock, I thought.

[Orich]

Thinker, what weekend is your Retro? Mine is 9/11. So far w hasn't called to do her phone registration, but I think she will. Anyway, it would be interesting to compare experiences afterwards. I know it isn't a cure all, but I am putting a lot of hope in it. Right now we are solidly in limbo, but at least we are getting along and doing family stuff.

[MrBond]

Doc Phil's advice was to the W. He told her that she has to essentially "grow up" and that she's on a self-destructive path. She was looking for the "thrill" of being a flirt and being "in love". And he said that if she kept it up, she's going to end up raped or abused if she "harmlessly" flirts with someone who may not realize she's just playing.

Plus he asked if it was an appropriate way of behaving for someone with kids. And she said 'no....but'. Just like your W. Her saying that "it's harmless" is denial. Of course it's harmful. It's harmful to you and your kids.

I really do wonder what planet these people come from.

[antlers]

Someone on my other board this AM posted the following:

"My self-esteem must be based on the fact that I am a child of God,
not what others think,
not what I have done in the past,
not what others do,
not what I have achieved,
just that I am loved by the creator of the universe."

It doesn't take much imagination to tweak that for nonbelievers. Kinda cuts through the crap to bedrock, I thought.

"I am worthy of respect, value, and compassion, whether or not I get them from others. If I don't get them from others, it is necessary to feel more worthy, not less. It is necessary to affirm my own deep value as a unique person (a child of God). I respect and value myself. I have compassion for my hurt. I have compassion for the hurt of loved ones. I trust myself to act in my best interests, and in the best interests of my children, which will ultimately be in the best interests of my spouse."

[Thinker]

Thanks Kalni, Ketricken, Coach,

I know that the root of much of my emotions right now are self esteem, but right now what I am feeling is indignant anger.

When I let them go and watch them, my angry thoughts run along the line of...

[SilentRanting = Thinker]
How F___ing Dare She!!!

I am an attractive, healthy, vibrant, fun man, a good provider, and a good father. I work my @ss off to provide a good home for our family, then switch over and spend the evenings working with the kids and taking care of things around here so she can build up her new career. We have a great family life together...

And yet she is angry and I get no credit for anything I do. Sexually she rejects me, reacting with revulsion and tears.

How dare she turn around and get all giggly hot and heavy with this overweight, unhealthy boor who is obviously not even taking care of his own family. How Dare she treat so disrespectfully!!

How dare she have so little regard for me!!
[/SilentRanting]

Yes, this is me reacting all about me, to something that she does that is all about her.

So I remind myself that these are her actions, and realities, and really, it has nothing to do with what I do or who I am and is not a reflection on me...

I'm far better than that.

and that leaves me with...

Is this really her? or just her confused reaction to our sitch and everything else that is going on in her life.

and

If it is really her, am I willing to stay married to her?

and, in the meantime...

What do I want to respond tactically?

[Thinker]

Doc Phil's advice was to the W. He told her that she has to essentially "grow up" and that she's on a self-destructive path. She was looking for the "thrill" of being a flirt and being "in love". And he said that if she kept it up, she's going to end up raped or abused if she "harmlessly" flirts with someone who may not realize she's just playing.

Plus he asked if it was an appropriate way of behaving for someone with kids. And she said 'no....but'. Just like your W. Her saying that "it's harmless" is denial. Of course it's harmful. It's harmful to you and your kids.

My God I have been having exactly this same fear.

I feel like a father having to protect his clueless teenage daughter.

And that is the LAST thing I want to be - not the R I want to have with my W.

Like Dr. Phil, I wish someone would shake her and yell "GROW UP"
(But I can't do that, she is the only one who can really change)

[Kettricken]

I'm always a bit bemused by the "Is this really her/him?" statements. Clearly, right now, yes, it is her, because she's doing it. No duress.

But what she's doing, however reprehensible (and yes, I think it is), doesn't entirely define Who She Is, any more than any failure attributable to you over the years entirely defines Who You Are.

It seems like that question wants to address Why? more than Who. Is she doing it out of spite, weakness, a total surrender to selfishness, a sense of imprisonment, overweening entitlement, vengeance, a desperate bid to feel attractive as she ages, well-nigh physical dependence on the high? What motivation can you live with, if any?

Really, the only question you can answer is, given that this behavior is clearly a *facet* of Who She Is right now, am I willing to endure it in hopes that it passes, and if so, for how long?

FWIW, I don't think your anger is misplaced. Even if you take the ego out of it.... emotionally, she is feeding your family's food to a stranger. I don't know many people, male or female, who would take kindly to that.

No good answers on tactical.... sorry.

[aliveandkicking]

Likely postpartum depression IMO...

[Thinker]

I'm always a bit bemused by the "Is this really her/him?" statements. Clearly, right now, yes, it is her, because she's doing it. No duress.

LOL. OK, you called me on questioning the obvious, and are correct in that was not really the question I was asking myself.

[quote]
Really, the only question you can answer is, given that this behavior is clearly a *facet* of Who She Is right now, am I willing to endure it in hopes that it passes, and if so, for how long?

Bingo, Correct, Dead on -- This is the question I am asking.

[quote]
FWIW, I don't think your anger is misplaced. Even if you take the ego out of it.... emotionally, she is feeding your family's food to a stranger. I don't know many people, male or female, who would take kindly to that.

Thanks. I am allowing myself to be angry, but avoiding her right now so I don't let it out until I know how I want to respond and can do so in the correct emotional state.

[Greek]

[SilentRanting = Mrs. Thinker]
F----- him!!!

I am an attractive, healthy, vibrant, fun woman, a good steward, and a good mother. I work my @ss off to keep a good home for our family, spend the evenings working with the kids and taking care of things around here so he can build up his career. We have a great family life together...

And yet he is angry and I get no credit for anything I do. Sex is the only way I get his full attention.

Why shouldn't I get all giggly hot and heavy with this guy who sees me as a woman, not "mommy" or "wife".

How dare he have so little regard for me!!
[/SilentRanting]

Perhaps?

Thinker ~~~ you actually do a great job of seeing her side of it. You've volunteered this on here many times. And that's a HUGE deal - so good on you.

And your W is doing the WRONG thing. God knows I hate that texting crap that folks do and say it's no big deal. Grrrrrr. She is confused and needy and looking for something that she has missed from you. Don't lose sight at this point. Something was missing for her - as FABULOUS as you are and have been. Would be worth it to know what that is.