through a bit of careful strategy, i have the W coming up here on wednesday to do what SHE had planned for this last tuesday. i was a bit sneaky today, and got her to want to come up.
but now i have a problem. after talking to my close female friend, i really do believe i am over my W. maybe not mentally, but i think my heart is really over her. i put forth all my effort into the R we had, and she was still able to pick up and leave. i've talked about before wanting answers to why she did it, but i really don't care now.
the only thing that is even wanting to see if something is still there is the thought that i completely invested myself in her for 2 years. in the realm of things it's not that long, but i completely gave 100% to the R we had. i don't think i have anything more to give, besides how i've changed my thought process on codependency and passive aggressive behavior and how to handle it. but really, otherwise i completely gave myself to her. and it wasn't enough.
that's not my fault. i tried so hard when we together, but it was just me trying. and now that we're apart, she's STILL NOT TRYING. why do i want that again? that's the thing, i don't!
Her coming up this Wednesday isn't even about rekindling some spark or hopes of getting back together. it's for me to really see how i feel about her. last time she was here, it was like being in the room with a stranger. i should have been all giddy and excited like she said SHE was when she came over. i didn't feel anything like that.
when she comes wednesday, i'm just going to look at how i feel, how i feel about her, how i feel about having her around me. I've lost a lot of the feelings i've had for her, and i can't think of what it is going to be that would bring them back.
wednesday is just for me. not to even see how she feels or what she is thinking. it is for me to see if this is even what i want. i hope everyone here can understand that.
