Hey?!? Who Locked Up My Mojo?

[Kettricken]

Caveat: I think learning What Men Want/Should Be (or What Women Want/Should Be) can hamstring you just as terribly as not knowing a blessed thing. Learning What Your Partner Wants and not plastering a predigested list of sexist and/or culturally-determined expectations over his or her unique self seems like that only possible way. Maybe the shorthand works for some, but certainly not all, and if you *think* you know, it can really get in the way.

Excellent Spouse and I had a loooooong discussion about this this AM and he came up with a compelling metaphor .... he compared the proper way to learn about another person with priming a painted wall. You want to get it back as close to a neutral color as you can so the new paint will go on true. Same with getting to know a person ... neutralize to the best of your ability any preconceptions you have about what their gender, race, age, size, education level, religious or political persuasion "is" ... and you'll stand a much better chance of actually being able to process input accurately to determine their true nature (and true desires).

That said, I asked him for his thoughts on, at least, what HE wants in a woman. As follows, to the best of my recollection:

1. Confidence. Not needing to be constantly propped up or reassured. The ability to freely explore and manifest (including, dress for) a wide variety of roles as appropriate (sex kitten, caretaker, gardener, cougar, partner-in-crime, intellectual jousting partner) without feeling like her identity is dependent upon/constrained to reside longterm in any of the above roles. This would include the ability and willingness to bring her own sexuality to the table with confidence, not depend on the man for all pursuit/initiation.

2. An outgrowth of the above, someone who is willing to change, grow, and be open to new experiences/interests. (The man just wants a broad; giggle) This includes classic Schnarchian differentiation in that his ideal partner wouldn't presssure him to believe/behave in lockstep with her. (ETA: or feel like she must believe/behave the same as him.)

3. Serenity. He spoke of this in context of having worked with people who used to live in war zones. So, knowing what's important and what's not .... when it's time to panic (rarely in the daily grind) and when you just roll with the punches. He also spoke of wanting to live with someone who has "chosen to be peaceful".

4. Respectful speech/tone. Not subservience, merely the opposite of that horrible nagging/whining tone (you all know what he means), or anything that vibes infantilization.

5. More narrowly, in the "attraction" category: Confidence as manifested in how a woman carries herself/body language, a little bit o' hipsway, a vibe that says, "Yes I am a sex object. And????". A "feminine" high pitched voice ... not in an affected way, but not gruff, aggressive, etc. (this was more in a sexual/attraction context than for everyday use). A flirtatious, teasey-taunty'catch me if you can' vibe to engage the chase instinct. But he also mentioned specifically that he likes to be pursued/treated like an object of desire too. (My own observation: prototypically-feminine clothing (skirts, heels, perfume etc) = E-ffective.)

6. This sounds, in fact, a bit Deidaesque, but I dug it. I guess you can sell anything if you've got the biceps for it (Bad Jennifer No Feminist Doughnut). Anyhow ..... he said, roughly, "I am a wild wolf. I'll come to your door and want to spend time with you and sit by the fire and bring you prey and maybe even chase a frisbee ... but don't try to make me your lapdog, or become mine. Respect the wolf." What I took from that was, respect his Otherness. His woman shouldn't get TOO comfortable to where she begins, however unconsciously, to treat him like an adjunct or appendage to her own life, a domestic animal who can/should be trained to enact a desired role without reference to his true nature or desires. Respect the wolf. It is his will to live with you, but don't get complacent/cocky/entitled.

7. This brings me full circle to my take on What Women Should, etc. Appreciation. Honest gratitude, and the sincere voicing of same, for whatever accomplishments/joys/provisions her man happens to bring into her life whether in the role of father, provider, lover, friend, handyman, jester, etc. That requires a disposition to notice said benefits, and a willingness to articulate them.

Is that even vaguely what you had in mind, SP?