~20/day. It's about half of her texting traffic. The rest is GF's, etc.
They are in bursts - 15 in a row, and then nothing for a while
When I blew up 2 days ago it was because I found them on her phone (have not been following the phone logs), and what I saw was (to me) ugly. It is sexual banter, with the OM being a heavy, aggressive pursuer, and her going along with it and responding.
She tried to explain it away with our C as "just flirting", but I know that OM does not see it that way - he's hunting.
She acknowledge in C that it was inappropriate and that she would not even consider it if our R was good. (She tried to blame it on the state of our R, but I stopped her - "This is a choice you are making")
Last edited by Thinker; 07/17/0907:19 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I don't know if you watch Dr. Phil, but my friend told me that he had a guest who does the same thing your W does on Monday's show. If you go to his website, you'll see a transcript of it.
Interesting and it matches your W quite a bit.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Besides the pain this is causing me now. (I am feeling anything but detached. I am feeling hurt, and angry, and disgusted. It is dredging up base childhood fears of not being good enough. It is striking a huge blow to my ego. etc) It is like watching a train wreck about to happen.
I know I can't control her. I know she has to make her own decisions and travel her own journey and...
But this guy is playing her.
This raises 2 main feelings or fears in me...
1) If she falls into this one the same way she did into the last, then... not sure I could go through all of that again.
2) If this is who she is, if what I am seeing now is how it will be, then I really don't want to be in that marriage.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It is dredging up base childhood fears of not being good enough
Don't feed that snake. One way is to not react the way you did as a child. The other is dispute it - list all of your strengths, accomplishments and friends who love you. Most importantly tell yourself how much you have grown - intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually since you started this journey. You are handling it. Strength and Honor Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Since you have both committed to Retro, might she AT LEAST commit to a "truce", including no outside contacts of that nature, until after then? If not, why not? If she can't live without her little textbuddies for a couple of months, she's got WAY bigger personal emotional problems than anything related to your marriage .....
Dude, I dunno. If it was me and I could, I'd yank her phone and email. NOT saying that's good advice, but ....
The other option is to call a personal truce. Don't ask don't tell, unilaterally, by yourself for yourself, until after Retro. (I know it's not a magic bullet, but a lot of couples sure seem to be able to turn their marriages around with what they learned there.) Then see where you both are, and yes, snoop if necessary to know you're making a decision based on all the facts.
At least you won't be constantly torturing yourself with fresh hells of data in the interim. And all options will still be yours.
Sucks however you look at it, though .....
(((thinker)))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
It is dredging up base childhood fears of not being good enough
Don't feed that snake. One way is to not react the way you did as a child. The other is dispute it - list all of your strengths, accomplishments and friends who love you. Most importantly tell yourself how much you have grown - intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually since you started this journey. You are handling it. Strength and Honor Cheers Coach
Thanks Coach,
The reason that I know that it is dredging up these feelings is that I sat here and analyzed why I am feeling so incredibly hurt by it - and that's what I realized.
Realizing has already helped me calm down.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It is dredging up base childhood fears of not being good enough
Don't feed that snake. One way is to not react the way you did as a child. The other is dispute it - list all of your strengths, accomplishments and friends who love you. Most importantly tell yourself how much you have grown - intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually since you started this journey. You are handling it. Strength and Honor Cheers Coach
Thanks Coach,
The reason that I know that it is dredging up these feelings is that I sat here and analyzed why I am feeling so incredibly hurt by it - and that's what I realized.
Realizing has already helped me calm down.
Which means you ARE good enough and brings you right back to the tactical question of what to do about it now... and right back to @Kett's post which could be a good point-of-departure to figure out what feels right and makes sense to you...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Since you have both committed to Retro, might she AT LEAST commit to a "truce", including no outside contacts of that nature, until after then? If not, why not? If she can't live without her little textbuddies for a couple of months, she's got WAY bigger personal emotional problems than anything related to your marriage
What really angers me is that we discussed exactly that truce at C 2 days ago. The C proposed it and she agreed.
.....
Quote:
Dude, I dunno. If it was me and I could, I'd yank her phone and email. NOT saying that's good advice, but ....
Phone is in her name, and she pays for it with the consulting work she does. (I just happen to know her password...) I can't really yank it.
Besides, that is like being a father trying to control and out of control teenager. That is in no-way the R I want. I want to be married to someone with self control.
Quote:
The other option is to call a personal truce. Don't ask don't tell, unilaterally, by yourself for yourself, until after Retro. (I know it's not a magic bullet, but a lot of couples sure seem to be able to turn their marriages around with what they learned there.) Then see where you both are, and yes, snoop if necessary to know you're making a decision based on all the facts.
At least you won't be constantly torturing yourself with fresh hells of data in the interim. And all options will still be yours.
This is what I am considering. Worst thing that can happen is she gets so involved that she goes into Retro fully in the depths of a new EA and it is all for naught. Best that can happen is she drops it herself and goes into Retro with a freshly open mind.
Either way I want to know what is going on. I don't want to be deluding myself.
Quote:
Sucks however you look at it, though .....
(((thinker)))
yep
Thanks. I appreciate the support.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, nobody has the power to define who you/we are. Apsolutely no one!!!Dont give away that control over you... Just as Coach says, dont feed that snake. I've worked for months with my C on "I wasnt/am not good enough". I was carrying childhood baggage from my mom always telling me "I was meant to be better but ... I was failing" (she was trying to motivate me) .
I insisted for months in therapy "no, you dont understand, I REALLY wasnt good enough...". She finally got to me when she said :maybe you are not good enough for him meaning you (both) are not good enough together, but you, as Maria are perfect, remember that". For some reason that clicked. You now what? She was right. K/M
