balancing on the head of a pin.......

[SDFoundGirl]

"Detach" is often seen as a separation from a person when, really, it's separation from actions and outcomes. Maybe an example might help....

Let's say H stays out with his friends and doesn't call, doesn't answer his phone. I love H, but I'm not loving those actions. If we aren't detached, we get involved in the emotion of it and start spiraling...He's cheating, he doesn't love me, he doesn't respect me, etc. In essence, when we aren't detached, we make others' choices about US when, in reality, it is about them.

So, from a detached place, I can say, "H, I didn't appreciate what you did last night. I worried about where you were. I would appreciate it if you would call if you are going to be late." Or whatever. And then we detach from the outcome, because ultimately, the only person in this world we have any control over is ourselves. It's with the attempt to control another person that conflict results, so it's in our best interest to simply state our point of view, make requests, and then continue to make our own choices based on the outcome.

I am in that position now as H continues to have non-work contact with a woman he had a thing for back during the bomb (she wasn't interested romantically, but there's no way she didn't know...women know...and she encouraged the friendship). I have been really honest about how I feel about that and what I want, and H has reduced it but hidden what's still there.

Now, if I'm not detached, I start acting pissy. I growl at him about not turning the kitchen light off (when it's really that I'm mad about the woman), I withhold sex because I'm "too tired," etc. If I AM detached, then I continue to treat H with respect and address the issue head on, make decisions based on what I'm willing to live with. I think that's far more intimate than living in raw emotion.

Does that make sense? Love your H, detach from his actions.

SD