Just Keep Livin' #3

[givingitmyall]

JKL,

Just my opinion (worth what you paid for it), but I view your W's anger as a good thing because if she did not care, she would have no reason to get angry. The old saying is the opposite of love is not anger, it's indifference.

Are the reasons she is angry valid? If so, make those changes (you may already have). If not, they are most likely from the script.

Also, how has she handled anger before? Is she an internalizer or someone who let it out pretty quickly once she was upset? Does she hold grudges?

Every time I hear her talk and the anger and resentment comes out louder and clearer, it just seems to me she entrenches more in her decision.

You don't know what she is thinking. You are mind reading. Don't do it. If your W is like mine, she really does not understand what is going on with herself. How should you be able to figure it out then? You can't.

When she negates any of the positive that has happened in the past 4 months (or 6 years) by saying she was just putting on a good face makes me really question what I am doing.

SHE cannot negate any positives in YOU. And that's all that really matters. And, you guessed it, more script. Everything that is wrong with her right now is YOUR fault. B/c it makes her decision to leave easier and she will fell less guilt. This is a HER issue. Let it go and focus on you. Are YOU happy with YOU right now? That's is the only issue.

You can dothis. Just take a deep breath and hang in there. It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride.

[JKL2009]

Good post, I will respond more later. I'm at a conference right now. I took a iPhone pic of the line at the pastries, sending it to WAW as we have a running joke about continental breakfast which she even joked about this am. She resonded to the pic with "OK that was funny..I just laughed out loud (really loud!)"

Do I respond? Ignore? I want to say "glad I'm still making you laugh like the old days" but that is sucking up isn't it.

[givingitmyall]

I wouldn't respond. You made your point, and may have scroed some as well.

Good job lightening the mood. I tryo to work in things like this to take away some of the tension.

[Coach]

I know there is this idea that the WAW expressing anger is a good thing, but I question that. Every time I hear her talk and the anger and resentment comes out louder and clearer, it just seems to me she entrenches more in her decision. When she negates any of the positive that has happened in the past 4 months (or 6 years) by saying she was just putting on a good face makes me really question what I am doing.

JKL, You are viewing this like it was two men having a disagreement. We would say what's on our minds, get POd, then work it out. Women don't operate that way. She won't tell you directly why she is upset. Ever heard this one, "Well if you don't know why I'm upset then I'm not going to tell you."
Picture your wife as a pot with steam (anger) to let off. If you clamp the lid down it will blow (the bomb.) The steam has to escape and she wants you to feel it. It's OK, she is testing you to see if the changes are for real. So do a 180 and embrace her anger. I didn't believe it at first either. You can handle it.

Cheers

[JKL2009]

Thanks for the pep talk. Embracing anger - what exactly do you mean? I take it as listen, validate, let it come but don't react. Right?

[Coach]

Embracing anger - what exactly do you mean? I take it as listen, validate, let it come but don't react. Right?

Yes, don't let it rattle you. It's healthy right now for her to get it out on you. Listen to make sure she doesn't mind read, correct that.

[Kelly23]

JKL,
Your wife reminds me of myself a lot. In one of your posts you said wife had brought up OWI..what was the OWI?

My husband has had a PA and EA over the last year and a half. I keep lots of things inside until I am about to explode, just like your wife.

I am conflicting many people here but I think a good heart to heart with your wife is much needed. I would so appreciate my husband taking me out to a romantic place and talking to me about what he wants for our future. I am very stubborn and if H is not letting me know he wants to stay with me, he must be wanting to be without me. I think this is your wife's mindset.

It is hard for me to 'appreciate' changes he has made on himself because I view them as improving himself so he can find one more woman to cheat on me with. He needs to be making changes that improve our marriage.

[JKL2009]

Thanks for your post and your view on things. I think the difference here is that I have always been faithful to my W. I have had several talks in the past few months where I did lay it out how badly I want to make the marriage different and better. She has heard me say I want to stay and want to make changes to improve me and our marriage. When I have had these talks, she listens but says clearly she is done, it is too late, I had my chance, too much has happened for too long, why should she be the one to give in now, etc.

So I just need to live my changes, and what happens with her happens. She will either notice and change her mind, or will we go on in life in different directions.

[Kelly23]

My husband wants to stay married also..and he told me that numerous times right before he had the EA online. Why wouldn't he want to stay married if he can be unfaithful and still live here with me and the kids?
I guess I expect action after the talk, maybe your wife does too?
When is the last time you have done something for her because she needed it? Not because it would earn you brownie points, just because.
Do you hug her when she seems preoccupied?
Do you ever sit next to her and just rub her hand or back to show her some intimacy?
Have you ever left her a note with sweet nothings?

I am not saying go out and do those things, just thinking about all the things I have missed.

[JKL2009]

Yep, done/do those sort of things (actions w/ unconditional love). Hopefully she is quietly noticing but I can't focus on her end, only mine.