Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Well, I have good days and I have bad days, this past weekend was awful for me, the W posted a new date for the first mediation meeting. June 22nd, 3 days after her augmentation surgery. I don't know how she is going to feel after that, but she setup the appointment.

I was in a funk all that weekend, but took my D to the zoo on Sunday, and tried to have a good day, I kept her in sunblock all day, and we did have some fun. However, when I got home and carried up upstairs to bed because she was sleeping, after my W checked in on her, she came back downstairs and said in a tough tone, "Your daughter has sunburned eyes, and should have been wearing sunglasses all day" I was furious, as I tried to pay extra attention to taking care of my D, and we were not in the sun all day, I didn't wear any sunblock at all, and didn't even get a mild burn. I told her I'd be sure to bring them next time, but took my Ipod and went for a walk around the neighborhood. It just seemed to be her trying to needle me, but I don't know. My D was fine the next day, and I just think she was tired from sleeping in the car on the ride home, and being woken up to be put to bed, but I don't know.

I was so worked up over the weekend, I wound up walking around for hours, and gave myself a huge blister on the bottom of my foot. Monday I came to the conclusion I just can't do this anymore, and my 4 hour a day commute, and just accept that I am going to be getting a D.

I have been working on that with my Counsel, and he wants me to go back to the L, before I go to mediation and 'give up the farm' to my wife during D proceedings. I feel he is right, I may be too emotional in the meetings and just give in, not being able to think straight.

I also am going to go to a group therapy with the Counselor as well, I am hoping that will help me work on me.

My biggest issue so far, is fear of being alone, fear of what's coming, fear of not being able to find another person I can love... I can not seem to, at times, get the images and thoughts of my W being with another man in the near future, out of my head! When I have these thoughts, I become so anxious and fearful and hurt, I have a hard time bringing those emotions down. Anyone have any ideas how to work on that? I know it comes from me, but when I look at her, I just can't seem to handle it well..

[Mach1]

Have you looked at the MLC resources ?

Not sayin that it is......she just seems to fit a lot of the criteria.

Understanding things that are happening is very crucial if you choose to stand.

MLC is ugly, Spend some time reading them.

[fisherman]

Whats up Mach??....Boy the land of the lost is a trip.

[Mach1]

Whats up Mach??....Boy the land of the lost is a trip.

Hey there Michigan midget......

It is a little....a LOT of pain here...

Glad to see your hand out.....

[iwantittowork]

Wow, today is not a good day so far, I am an emotional wreck..

My STBX is out getting breast enhancement today, and I don't know why but it is really hitting me hard. I am swinging from agony to anger in short bursts, I need to find a way to deal with this, as it has nothing to do with me.

I can't understand why I feel this way, I am trying to allow my emotions to flow through me, but this is darned hard. I plan on being out of the house I hope for when she comes back, I just don't want to be here...

Man, I am unsure what to do here, I am supposed to be working from home, but I can't even focus on that...

Any suggestions from you guys that read this will be much appreciated. I feel I am punishing myself over this, and I said I would not do that to myself, but I can't seem to get a hold of these feelings...

Help!

[iwantittowork]

I am cross posting this to the newcomers thread I have, in hopes some experienced DB'ers like Puppy/Coach/Greek/Robx can hopefully post some responses..

I need some insights from experienced DB'er's, I have some questions that need serious thought/action from me, and not sure of which way to go. I am working on GAL, lost 25+ pounds, and starting to go out with friends more, and do things just for me.

1) Fear of Detachment: I realize now, that I am actually afraid to detach, for fear of NOT wanting my relationship reconciled. Is that something anyone has happened to them? I have been trying to detach, but the undercurrent of fear has kept me from being able to do so, and I believe it's the case that I am afraid of what will happen after I detach????

2) Because our M is financially a 0 sum game currently, and a D will essentially be a piece of paper, and we go our separate ways, my W has said we should just live together and stay married until we clear those up, which could be 6 months to a year.

There are now 2 ways I have been looking at #2 above, and where I need some thoughts from experienced DB'ers:
- I can push for the D myself, and the above post from me when I decided what I wanted from the D and approached my W with was a start in that direction, thinking my W only wants to wait around to get more money once our investments are disposed of.

- I can try and stick it out living with her, make the changes I want to do for myself, and see if R our M is possible in the cards during that timeframe?

Since truly in my heart what I want is to R, does it make sense for me to push for D, when it's not what I want? Or am I glossing over the fact that my W is just wanting the extra money in the end?

Since I want to R, is it better I leave, and DB, or try and DB while at home?

I have not been doing well at DB'ing, but getting better now that I am trying to GAL, following some of the great advice here, etc.

[iwantittowork]

Ok, I am reaching the point, that I need some expert help here.

It's not clear to me if my W is apathetic about our M, or if it could be saved. I thought all hope had been lost, and started a thread on the Surviving D forum, but over the last couple weeks, I have been able to detach better for myself, and believe I may be getting mixed signals now from my W.

Last night again, she watched TV with me in the same room, and again started to ask me questions about her new Breast Enhancements, and how they looked, etc, and she again let me touch them and and I told her my honest opinion. That earlier I had been hurt/jealous/etc, when I found out about them, but that the reality is, they looked amazing.

There's other things, but I had been thinking about the following, and looking for advice:

Every year we take my D8 to the fair in summer, and this coming Friday will be the day. I am taking the day off, and I had said last night that she was welcome to come with us, if she wanted. Her reply was 'If you can stand to be around me for that long, I would like to go too' I didn't respond, other than to reply that she was welcome to come if she decided she would like to.

Also, I have been sleeping on our couch since she got her enhancement done, but I have been considering saying to her that I have decided to come back and sleep in our bed. Is that a good idea?

Thoughts? Are there signs that could indicated if our Sitch could be saved?

Help!

[iwantittowork]

Oh, I also had wanted to give my W her cell phone bill and tell her it's her responsibility to pay it, not mine. She gets child support from her former H, and I give her money every two weeks, I believe she can pay for her own monthly cell usage, though she currently does not have income as she is a teachers assistant on leave.

I just don't believe that it's my responsibility to pay for it, she's not in a EA or PA, but given our current sitch and her wanting out, I want her to start having to take responsibility for these things.

Thoughts there too?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

IWITW,

It's ALWAYS a good idea to refuse to be kicked out of your own home, and/or out of your own bed.

Puppy

[iwantittowork]

Thanks Puppy, your advice there was what enabled me to see that I should NOT leave the house at her request.

In this case, it was me that left the bed, not to punish her or anything, I just found at the time I was more comfortable. However, in the last few weeks, I have been much better in my attitude, GAL etc, and want to move back to my own bed, not because of her, but it's what I want to do.