First off, great first name - same as my sons (and grandfather)!
Much of what you describe about your situation rings home for me.
I know as hard as this may sound, you cant have any R and D talks with her now. She is an emotional mess and reasoned logic does not work. It also makes it hard for you to detach.
If you have any guns in the house, get those to a 3rd party until this all blows over.
She needs a major dose of reality and you need space to detach. I think you need to get her out of the house and separate/protect as much things in the financial department as possible.
Strike hard and strike fast.
Do NOT show mercy now. There is always time for that later if she comes around but keep that big legal gun loaded and cocked.
You may later regret not taking action legally.
Be the exception to the rule. Don't be the guy (because there are lots of them) that says later: "I wish I would have listened but I didn't think she was like that" Or "I really got f'd" or "I should have" ...blah blah blah. I'm not saying hammer her right out of the gate. But you need to be prepared to do so in the office with your lawyer. You can always call your lawyer off if things don't go your way but it doesn't work the other way around.
I'm talking change the locks, file status quo protective restraining orders for the kids. LOCK her out of your life until YOU can dictate how far back into your life and your wallet YOU are willing to let her into.
I am sorry that you are at this point in your marriage. I see it like it is and have seen some cases here that had a chance, but right now, yours is looking a bit bleak for any sort of piecing or nights out together right now. I am not saying there is no chance for reconcilliation with your W, but you need to first be strong. This is a marathon and after months of your detaching, gal, having a positive mental attitude, and your W out on her own, there still is a possibility that she will take the steps to fix her mental problems and try to win you back. Until then, the most important thing for you to do is focus on yourself and your kids.
Neil - have you had a heart to heart with your W about her depression and mental state?? Is she open to getting help, or is that subject off limits?? I went through some of the same things, but the subject was taboo in our home. If she gives you the opportunity to get her help please do immediately! Do not hesitate. Eventually she won't be open to it and you can pretty much kiss her goodbye at that point.
I think you need to take more of a leading role here. It may be difficult not to be adversarial but think it through. Do you want to save your M or do you want to lose her?? She's watching you.
I am concerned about the suicide talk and the body part stuff. I know it may be seen as fixing - but you do love this woman, right? She is clearly not in the right frame of mind and making bad decision after bad decision. She has a history of depression and is thinking about things 24/7. She is a total mess. I would try to get her psychiatric or medical help. Some of the things Sandi has said about hormones being off and how it clouded her judgment so much--- really sticks out in my head. I wish I had known that last year. I would have handled things differently.
I would hate for you to be sitting in my shoes a year from now without at least exploring that option.
Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Thank you all for your comments and support. After reading through these posts and talking with my coach:
She echoed many of your comments. She also said my wife might be perimenopausal, which is true. That started about 2 years ago. Couple that with the genetic predisposition to mental illness and the messed up childhood and I have got quite a mess on my hands.
I know she is not herself right now, so I am going to get her some help.
I left a message with our MC and asked him to call me ASAP.
I am going to tell him about the suicide talk (about 4 different occasions in the last 12 months). Hopefully, he can get her some help.
If she files for divorce, I will go for full custody of our kids unless she consents to a pyschiatric evaluation.
I don't think going to court and getting orders of protection and getting her out of the house is the best thing right now. She is not equipped to be on her own right now, she needs more help than I can offer her.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Be careful with sex and check with your attorney. In my former state if you have sex after the discovery of an affair in the courts eyes they take you having sex with the wayward spouse as approval of the affair.
Yep -- I was going to say the same thing. Sadly, many spouses do this intentionally, to help their case.
Also (and I hate to even have to say this) -- USE PROTECTION.
When you told her that in your state, a spouse doesn't get alimony in the case of an A, were you speaking from knowledge or were you just spouting something?
I can see now why she is so paranoid about this. But if you weren't speaking from knowledge then if I were you, I would admit you said it in anger and that you don't know the law and that if/when you get to the point of needing an attorney you will discuss it with them at that time.
I am speaking from knowlege. An affair can and often does eliminate alimony in my state. My coach says to hold on to that handle and do not tell her you will not use it. So I am holding to that line.
W made a IC appointment for next Friday and we have a MC appointment on Tuesday. Those seem to be small steps. We will see.
W came home tonight and was nice momentairly then seemed to get angry and distant again and is just hanging out in the guest room downstairs away from me.
She told me because I make all the money she can't leave so she will just stay and be miserable for the rest of her life.
I spoke to our MC about her suicide threats. He said he would have her IC all her if need be, but to ask how she is feeling and let him know what if I would like him to have IC call.
Talked with her briefly and she doesn't seem like she is thinking of hurting herself. Most likely just escalating behavior.
I get the funny feeling she is going to act out soon though. Wouldn't be surprised if she tries to contact OM to see what I will do.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Thank you. I just did some initial reading and it seems this is spot on.
I read somewhere that dramatic personalities can decompensate to histrionic personality disorder due to a variety of factors. She seems to fit all the common symptoms.
I will share this with our MC and see if we can get her some help.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
