I wasnt woman enough. I knew it very soon after the bomb. I could find thousands of VALID excuses/reasons why I wasnt. The truth is, I lost myself. My spirit, my humor, my feminine side. (Not my physical condition). I was trying to be things I could be but on expense of parts of me that were precious for my peace of mind and soul.
He only saw that I disrespected him in little things. That I doubted him. Again in everyday things. I did everything Deida AND Stonsy/Love say a woman SHOULD NOT do. I took him "down", day by day, month by month. I was struggling to be a woman and be the leader at the same time. VERY difficult balancing act. It didnt work.
I dont know what happened first though. I am probably one of those women with "issues". Because I blossom when my man treats me like a woman and "die" when I am "left alone" (Stonsy" worst things a man can do to his woman"). I felt ashamed to show vulnerability, "I could do it all". He left me space I took on. He was retreating and I was using his space (sorry SP, Deida explains it perfectly).
This year, to me, the changes didnt mean "stand on my own feet and make me happy". It meant accepting/admitting that I need him (not H, HIM) to make me happy, take a step back and give over control. Enjoy being taken care of, admitt I need physical connection, protection, all big no-nos till today.
You know my problem now? I took that step back willingly and H STILL hasnt realised that he needs to step forward. There is this...gap between us. I am tempted many times to "lead". I refuse to. Our MC said he is pushing me to regain the old roles. It's familiar and convinient to him. It is NOT what I need and want. Ohhh I could go on forever... K
