I believe your W has the "bad boy" desire. Apparently, she was drawn to that type if she dated him before M and didn't introduce him to her family & friends. It's as if she has to hide to be with him and maybe that adds to her desire.....I don't know. I sure hope she didn't M "up" (as they say) in order to please her family, when she was wanting to M "down" according to their standards. Sounds like something for a IC to figure out. Some women just have a thing for bad boys.....I never did, so it's hard for me to understand it. She is saying a lot refering to you as a "Boy Scout" and "Mr. Pefect"........that says volumes to me. One, she sees you as a "goodie-two-shoes"......which must have a degree of turn-off for her. Especially since she seems drawn to the bad boys. Second, by calling you Mr. Perfect, she feels that you are too ridgid and self-rightous and she feels very inferior to you! That's the biggest thing right there......her self-confidence is lacking when she's around you. Perhaps she feels more important, more confident around OM b/c she knows she more classy than he could ever be! Unfortunately, some people have to have friends who are seen in a lower class.....in order for them to feel better about themselves. If your W has felt that you have "put her down" all these years, then I could see how her ego has taken a beating and she would look for a man who would build her up. However, if OM verbally abused her......that makes no sense to me! Again, something for an IC.
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1. I've talked down to her when I'm really angry in the past (this is true),
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2. I have strong convictions about right/wrong and usually "win" any arguments with her (this is true),
It takes a strong woman to hold her own with a man who is angry and talking down to her. It especially takes a strong woman when that man is her H. Over time....she begans to wear down and finally gives up and lets him win the arugments b/c it just isn't worth it. My question is, why must you always win? Most people feel that they are right in their opinions of what's right/wrong. Is she never right? And, why did you have to talk down to her in order to win? Isn't that being a bully? Doesn't the OM talk down to her also???
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3. I take pride in holding myself to high standards(this is true)
As I said, most of us think our opinions are correct. We think that our standards are high.......but exactly how do you mean you take "pride" in that? Is that to say that you put others whose opinion differ from yours as having a lower standard? Somehow, I kind of think that "pride" of yours comes shinning through! That's not good. Some women see men like that as a huge turn-off b/c they appear to be arrogant and haughty.
Some men may think they are speaking with a voice of "authority" when all they are doing is sounding angry and putting another person down. That is not authority. That is not "strength" and it certainly is not "honor".
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4. that she feels that my love for her is conditional (not accurate from my perspective).
Well let me tell you, I could certainly understand why she would think your love for her was conditional. Not accurate from your perspective? Go back and read numbers 1-3 and tell me she doesn't have a right to think that! You really are blind to yourself, aren't you? You take "pride" in what you should be ashamed of! That isn't how you should treat your wife and kids! Bet your kids feel like they have a hard time living up to your expectations also. You better be careful or you will have children with a lot of "issues" where daddy is concerned.
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I told W that I respected her feelings but that it was never my intention to convey that I thought I was better than her to her.
I don't think she believes you do respect her feelings. You would not have to try to convince her otherwise, if she did. I suddenly see you as some type of drill instructor in the military. Gosh, I hope that's not the case, BJ. Have I been too hard on your W when you were the one driving her away?
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Just thought I'd share this with you as it relates to how my W finds OM so appealing
Kind of makes sense in why she would want to find a man totally opposite from you, doesn't it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
