Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Thanks Mish!

Yes, I have thought about it. And by way of protecting myself, I have not made a definative plan of action as that would be establishing an expectation.

That said. If that were to happen, believe me, my response would be with the big picture in mind. So much has been done that anyone else would probably have themselves commited for even thinking of taking her back. She has destroyed every and all ability for me to instil trust in anyone. Friendships and family relations are horribly damaged, some perhaps beyond repair.

So, hypethetically, I would say we would first have to re-establish our friendship obviously. All the while, these damages are hers to repair. S12 continually asks me who they are with on what day for the holidays this year, and what to do about those when they are not with either Xw or me. Thus, I know he does the same to her ten times over and that has to be slowly killing her. She would also have to rid her and the boys alike of OM and his entire family, period for ever, no exceptions. That one there is what she claimed killed it for her on New Years.

There certainly would not be an immediate living arrangement at all as the above items would have be demonstrated and upheld for quite some to restore my turst enough to even concider it. Also, there is no room at my cousin's for them so to speak, and there is no way in the world I will ever set foot in the house that she lived her life out for the past year with OM. I don't care if you told me there was a million dollars in non sequencial bills in there, no way no how will ever go in that house or "our" house EVER again.

Then, there is the health concerns of her lifestyle for the past year. Since she's been on "the shot" I would presume the do not use condoms which is really cute since they have a "open relationship". So needless to say I will have intamicy issues with her from get go one due to that and she will have to get herself checked rather frequently.

These things are just brushing the surface and would prohibit any possiblity of an immediate R. At this point in the game, it would be a whole new R all together. A whole new life. The S and D have completely stripped us down of all our belongings. And, I don't think either of us would want any of it back anyway.

Hindsight thinking of all this, I guess I can see why she chose the option she did. It's a lot of work. And perhaps she does not have the will to it, thus, no expectations.

There could be the option that perhaps all that is going on is she wants out of her R with OM. And in doing so, she knows she can not support herself and the boys. So maybe just maybe what is on her mind is merely just reversing the residential custody? That would be the easier and possibly doable option. Maybe she thought everything was under control on my end financially and our current talks of how I may be out on my butt tomorrow presses her back to have to be with OM?

I just know there's no way in the world she is happy with her life now and she has voiced that part several times over the course of this. She has in turn backed herself into a corner.

I WILL NOT help her out of it to most extent. This is her mess and hers alone.

I have no qualms being quietly "stuck". I am and have been and in being so, am no good for anyone else at the moment.