Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

I think I need a reality check and here is the perfect place for it.

I received a text from H today. It said "could you ever take me back?" After a bit, I wrote back "yes."

Later, I go with H to store (he asked me to go and indicated he wanted me to go so I did). I tell H I'm tired, H says too tired to ML? I say I'm a bit confused about his text from earlier. H says he needed to know if I'd be willing to take him back. H spoke about how confused he is, how he can't sleep, how everything is wrong in his life and he just can't function. I listened, said I am sorry you are feeling this way. H said I have nothing to be sorry for, he is the cause of it. H said he's worried about me and S. H said life is too hard this way. H said if I would have said I would not take him back he would have left. Now he just doesn't know. H said he has ignored calls from OW for the past two days. (I have no way of confirming as he changed the account password)

After dinner, I commented on going to bed early. H asked to ML. I indicated what I said the other night is still relevant and until I know he wants to work on M and there is not a third person involved could we then discuss it. H responded - are you talking about the emotional stuff? I said yes. H said "Got it."

I feel like today may have been a step in the positive direction BUT I keep replaying the saying "believe less than half of what they do and none of what they say."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think I need a reality check and here is the perfect place for it.

I received a text from H today. It said "could you ever take me back?" After a bit, I wrote back "yes."

Better:

"I think I could, but it's not that simple now."

[givingitmyall]

H said if I would have said I would not take him back he would have left.

Uh...I don't think I buy this. He's trying to assert some control.

[Faith2010]

GIMA - I, too, was a little concerned about that statement. I thought something was 'off' with it. It also ran through my mind "so, no chance of you (H) ever fighting for me, huh?"

Puppy - I was scrambling when I got the text. I was on the road, therefore no computer/Internet. All I thought about is getting on here to see what ya'll thought. A lot of responses ran through my head. Ended up with the yes response after speaking to my sister (the one who has been there, done that).

H is already in bed. I can't tell you the last time he was in bed this early. She usually calls about this time. Hmmm...

[givingitmyall]

Puppy is right - You don't want to make it seem as though you are going to take him back when HE's ready. Fine line, but your statement reveals what needs to happen:

"so, no chance of you (H) ever fighting for me, huh?"

The point is you want him to fight for you and the M. If he can just waltz back in with no worry, what does he need to fight for?

I'm not jumping on you here. Just making a point.

[Gardener]

Ash, I've been catching up this evening.

In the morning H said to me "So, you aren't going to take care of my sexual needs anymore?" I responded "So, you aren't going to take care of my emotional needs anymore?"

Excellent. Good for you!

Don't know if I handled it correctly.

I think it was perfect. You didn't answer a victim statement and you put it right back in his lap by speaking truth.

[Gardener]

I feel like today may have been a step in the positive direction BUT I keep replaying the saying "believe less than half of what they do and none of what they say."

A step in the right direction.Nothing more, nothing less.

Also, if I'm reading correctly, this all came about right after you laid down your sexual needs/emotional needs boundary?

Ulterior motive, maybe. Wait and see. Wait and see.

[sandi2]

Next time your H asked you a question like "are you going to take him back", and you don't know exactly how to respond right at that moment......try the word ...."maybe" or "we'll see". At least he'd know it isn't going to be as easy as he'd hoped and there's something required of him.

You are wanting him to fight for you. I don't think he will. He doesn't have to. I realize you want this MR back on track, but remember that he wants what he can't have. When did he start asking you if you'd take him back? AFTER you took off last weekend! He thought he's lost you.

[Faith2010]

After reading Sandi's post I think I answered my own question but I'll post it anyway. Got a text from H a little bit go. It says "nobody loves me" with a sad face.

I have not responded. I assume I don't, right?

[mishka422]

Don't. Definitely don't. He's just trying to draw sympathy out from you with his pitiful, woe is me crap.

Give it several hours. If he sends something else equally pitiful, then the only appropriate response (other than silence) would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Period.