Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

Jimbo-
I've been looking over your threads and it seems we have similar situations. I'll be headed over to the MLC boards once this locks, or maybe earlier. It would be nice to hear from others in a similar situation.

Seems to me that we have VERY similar situations. I'm glad to hear that you'll be headed over to the MLC boards. I'm sure that there are lurkers over there, also, that could possibly be in the same boat as we are (and in just as much pain), that could benefit from our dialogue. But it won't do them much good if they can't find this thread because it's here instead!

My biggest fear is that she's completely disappear. She knows this is my fear and that it hits on some really old, core personal issues for me. When she originally moved out she commented on the disappearing thing. She said "In the past I would just move someplace new and start over. The fact that I haven't gone anywhere should tell you something." I don't know what it tells me, really. The filing strikes a panic chord in me, partly because of her history and partly because of my own wounds. Honestly, I think me moving away will give me some perspective on that.

I know where you're coming from. I have similar wounds. But it's really, really important to recognize, MW, that this would have still happened to our Ws even if we had never met them and were never in the picture.

This has NOTHING to do with us and EVERYTHING to do with their own personal mental housecleaning. YOU CAN NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY! IT DOES NOT REFLECT ON US BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US! I can not stress this point to you enough.

Now is the time when she is "exploding". Except it's all in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N......

This is really helpful. I think part of my problem with this is my expectation of what the implosion should look like. It never occurred to me that this would happen slowly. I have to process that a little.

First key to riding this MLC roller coaster: abandon all expectations. Both good and bad. Our Ws can't begin to explain to us what they're going through, because THEY don't even know for themselves- so how can WE possibly be expected to figure out how this will go down for them?

It seems to us like all of this practically happened overnight. But to our Ws, this is something that has been developing under the surface for several years. It is only fair to expect that, since it took so long to develop, it might also take a long time to resolve, yes?

No doubt about it- this is a marathon, my friend, not a sprint.

I'm not sure I see this as an experiment on her part. My IC told me that people who are dealing with the MLC are stuck back at some event from earlier in life. I'll paraphrase what he said to me ... You, as the person closest to the person in crisis, represent all those past experiences she never dealt with. She can't see right that it isn't you that is really bothering her. You're too close. You just happened to be the catalyst for all of this pent up anger and frustration. She's rebelling, not against you specifically, but against the sum total of all these unresolved experiences. That has to be painful for her. I don't really have a point ... I just need to get that out.

Your IC has this nailed for the most part. By "experiment", I meant that she needs to go through this anger phase, so that she can recognize that the anger she feels is not because of you...it's because of her, and her inability to control her own actions. Now, that being said, my own personal philosophy is that you have two ways in which to deal with her "willfulness": you can show a little humility and comply with her wishes- let her call the shots- and demonstrate to her over time that, despite your full compliance with her wishes, she STILL isn't in any more control of her life than she was before...so you must not be the problem...

OR

You can flex your ego and engage in a battle of wills, fight her tooth and nail, and MAYBE get your way. And in the process, give her a legitimate excuse to peg you as the "baddie" she's trying to make you out as, and give her the excuse she needs to leave, guiltlessly.

I've been praying ALOT lately, which shouldn't be that big of a surprise but that is another thread. I'll just put this out there ... Anyway, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that I want to be there for her. Not that I want to help her through this, but that I know how bad it is to deal with stuff like this alone. I had been praying that she'd come back, or wake up, or ... pick your variation. Lately this has changed. I've been praying that whatever it is that has her pinned down will be released, even if that is me. Asking for a restoration ... a healing ... of her with Him, regardless of how it ends up with me. It's not up to me to make THAT happen. I've been reminding God that she is His. I just can't get that out of my head. Again ... I just need to get that out too.

Sometimes, the best way to help is to get the &*^% out of the way. They don't want us to be there for them right now. They want space to think and room to breathe. Give that gift.

When she is ready to let you in, she will come to you.

[poet]

Jimbo,

As always, your words of wisdom are so right. Even though my situtation is that of a WAH, vs. that of a WAW, I STILL believe our situations are almost exactly the same. You hit the nail on the head, m'fried.

And MW, your IC is exactly right. I had a personal IC/friend of mine tell me the same exact thing about my H as your IC told you. It is something, or someone from their PAST that is getting to them/something they never dealt with and now they must because it is slapping them in the face. We are not their problems (although, albeit, we contributed to them). We just happen to be in their way.

Listen to Jimbo. Follow his lead. Watch what he says. He usually spot on!

peace,
poet

[mountain_west]

Thanks poet. I'm just trying not to make the situation worse for her OR me.

I had a nice chat with the DB coach Jodi yesterday. It was pretty helpful. She suggested I meet with her to talk about dividing stuff up in preparation for my move. Since she is operating out of fear, inadequacy and avoidance ... take the high road, continue do the unexpected, approach this with dignity and compassion. I'm off to meet her in a few. It's not like we have all that much to divide. According to Jodi, she's anticipating me to try to talk her out of it or that I'll try to get her to talk about things, which will only make her run further (if that were possible). So, I'm going in all friendly and ONLY talking about the move and the logistics of it. 15 minutes to talk about logistics and then I'm out. I'm not getting sucked in to talk about the relationship. Thus is the gameplan.

On a weird note, I think that she has back-up there just in case. I have suspicions about a local OM ... am expecting to see him lurking around and am mentally prepared.

[mountain_west]

Post "divide our stuff up meeting" update ...
We're supposed to meet at 2. I show up at 2:05 and there's a guy who is just leaving. He's young, maybe in college. He's clearly there just for my benefit. There are no introductions, but she does say "say hi to your mom for me" as he's leaving. Running into her on Friday with my friend has clearly gotten to her.

We talk about who gets/wants what. I'm being accommodating but not a pushover. I offer to have her come and get her stuff out before I move. The vehicles are our item of contention, and I'm taking the one we both want. She won't ask for it. I did good at being mysterious. She wants to know where I'm going so she can forward the paperwork. She's asked twice now, so it must be bugging her. I said a few times, "alot has changed since you last talked to me three months ago." It's going smoothly, until I say, "regardless of moves out first you'll need a key to get your stuff."
W: I have my key from before.
M: You'll need a new one.
W: What? You changed the locks? Nice.
M: Yes
she starts to cry a little, then is furious
W: When did you do that?
M: October
W: Were you ever going to tell me?
M: I hadn't gotten to that point yet.
W: It doesn't matter.
So ... it was hot for a little while. I didn't explain. I didn't say anything really. She keeps trying to talk about signing papers and everything else. I kept to the gameplan, we're only talking about the move.

There's a lull, so I'm the first to say "well, we're done. I've got things to do" and i get up. As we're leaving, I comment on something stupid and she starts joking around with me. For a few minutes we're just like it always was. As we're outside she asks if I rode down to meet her .... i say no, bye, then walkaway ... all mysterious like.

I'm feeling good about the encounter. Nothing I did today was what she was expecting. I'm mysterious. I didn't have to be jerk to do it. I was baited several times, kept my cool and just let it roll.

[mountain_west]

A quiet two days ... and finally some sleep. I almost forgot what that is. Trying to find a place to live.

[Jimbo]

Hi MW,
Sounds like your meetup with your W went well. I'm glad to see that you're finally getting some sleep. Now, more than ever, it's really important to take care of yourself. A short while after my W dropped the bomb, someone told me to join a gym and work out. It was the best advice I had gotten since all this went down, and I highly recommend it to you, if you're not already doing it. Scientific studies have shown that regular exercise helps you to "chase the blues away", modifying your brain chemistry and helping to lift you out of depressive states. If you're not doing it now, I strongly encourage you, from personal experience, to try it out. It helps a LOT.

We're supposed to meet at 2. I show up at 2:05 and there's a guy who is just leaving. He's young, maybe in college. He's clearly there just for my benefit. There are no introductions, but she does say "say hi to your mom for me" as he's leaving. Running into her on Friday with my friend has clearly gotten to her.

I'm glad you recognize this for what it is. This seems to me, from my own experiences, to be the "Monkey see, monkey do" effect. I can tell you that when I met my W one time in new clothes, the next time we met- she was wearing new clothes. When I told her I was going out of town, she and the OM would take little trips out of town. I can only theorize that, since she saw me upbeat and at my best, that she felt that she had to convince me that she was happy too. Either that, or that she's actually so miserable that she was willing to try the things that seemed to make me happy. Or maybe both- who knows.

She wants to know where I'm going so she can forward the paperwork. She's asked twice now, so it must be bugging her.

This dovetails right into her previous fishing expedition when she asked if you were moving into "the big city". You're still in the back of her mind, somewhere.

It's going smoothly, until I say, "regardless of moves out first you'll need a key to get your stuff."
W: I have my key from before.
M: You'll need a new one.
W: What? You changed the locks? Nice.
M: Yes
she starts to cry a little, then is furious
W: When did you do that?
M: October
W: Were you ever going to tell me?
M: I hadn't gotten to that point yet.
W: It doesn't matter.
So ... it was hot for a little while. I didn't explain. I didn't say anything really.

I wouldn't let yourself get too bent out of shape about this bit. The MLCers seem to "recover" very quickly from fights like this. I'd be VERY surprised if she'll even remember it next time....

She keeps trying to talk about signing papers and everything else. I kept to the gameplan, we're only talking about the move.

This is what's known as MLC blahblahblah. Have you ever seen little kids that want to participate in an adult conversation? They'll act the same way- they'll participate in the conversation by talking about what THEY know about, which is usually what they want/did, and has absolutely nothing to do with the topic being discussed.

There's a lull, so I'm the first to say "well, we're done. I've got things to do" and i get up. As we're leaving, I comment on something stupid and she starts joking around with me. For a few minutes we're just like it always was. As we're outside she asks if I rode down to meet her .... i say no, bye, then walkaway ... all mysterious like.

More fishing by her to try to find out if the friend she saw you with is "more than a friend".

I'm feeling good about the encounter. Nothing I did today was what she was expecting. I'm mysterious. I didn't have to be jerk to do it. I was baited several times, kept my cool and just let it roll.

You seemed to be in control and demonstrating an upbeat attitude. Good for you!

Did you experience any of what you learned about DBing coming back to you effortlessly while in this encounter?

[mountain_west]

Did you experience any of what you learned about DBing coming back to you effortlessly while in this encounter?

I don't know. I was way more prepared for how things were going to go with this meeting. It is MUCH better than reacting to what is going on. Talking w/ Jodi helped, but it was good to have a gameplan. Afterwards I thought about stuff I wanted to say but forgot. The whole thing was a surreal experience, like I was watching myself from the outside. I just kept aiming for mysterious and confident.

I've been thinking about something we touched on earlier, that the WAS/MLC wants to have everything be right where she left it. I keep thinking about control. My W is doing things that she thinks will virtually guarantee a certain response from me. More control. It's the same with everything else, she's trying to ensure that I don't get to feel/respond/act because of her decisions. For example - with the A, I wasn't told until much much later. She knows that if I was told, I would be justified in my response whatever that might be. But by keeping it a secret, my responses are within a certain boundary. Does that make any sense?

She's pushing to get things signed right away. I'm not sure why, but this sets off some bells in my head. W is going around changing her name on lots of accounts. That part just kills me.

[mountain_west]

I'm just going to vent because I can ... and it is a better option to do it here than for me to call her. It just feels better to get it out.

I don't understand how we go from "I want this to work out" to "I want out, full speed ahead" without any explanation. We don't really fight about anything, other than us being together. We're not even all that mad at each other. She's inventing stuff to be mad at. We like the same things. We get along. We want the same things. She moved out and doesn't even TRY to fix anything. In her more rational moments she knows this is true. She's admitted it. So rather than deal, you just leave? Really? It's all about this elusive feeling, this missing passion, which I understand. She won't DO anything without the feeling. So rather than say ... actually talk to me, call me, meet with me, she just sits there and wonders why the feeling is missing. We can't even TRY another way. Any attempts on my part to DO anything only make her more mad and frustrated. So I do nothing, she drifts away. I do anything, I push her away. I feel cheated. And mad. And frustrated. Stupid mood swings. Boo mood swings. I'll be better later. I just need to get it out.

[mountain_west]

Today was not a great day. It is partly Her, partly all the other stuff I have to deal with. Anyway, I've been thinking and I want to write this down before I forget. Maybe putting it in writing will help ... or not.

I'm ok with things ending. I'm a big boy. I know that things don't always work out between people. I'm not ok with HOW things are ending. She has admittedly not tried anything to address the situation. Nothing. The bottom line is that for her, I am not even worth the smallest effort to find out. Thanks.

[mountain_west]

Packing. No particular place to go - yet.