total quarter life mlc

[Sanderika]

Mdoodles,

H routine is changing because OW is putting pressure on him. She is driving the car. H is simply along for the ride. Right now, in the fog, he is doing exactly what men in MLC do.

I completely sympathize with you on this issue.

Trust me I do. My son is a mild Asperger's Syndrome Child and with the traits come things like: No Changes, Strict Structure, Same Routines, they only thrive with security, these kids hate to have anything rock their world. Things can change but they have to be so subtle as so they don't notice. It is very difficult to parent one of these kids.

Knowing this about son, I decided right from the get go that I could not protect him from the changes because they were fairly sudden. H was in and out post bomb for approx. a month and then gone. I understand my son was 9 at the time of the bomb and yours is 5, however an Asperger's Child mental abilities range anywhere from 4-6 years younger than their actual age. In reality my son's abilities in maturity were around 5. I sat son down the day after H left and I simply told him the truth. I assured him I was not going anywhere and he would always have me and that I would take care of everything. I could not let him live with the expectations that Dad was just at work or he left before son got up or Dad was working late. I laid out the whole ugly truth to him. We cried and then we bucked up and got to work together to create a life for just us. It took about 4 months before I truthfully stopped making connections with H. Son was angry for a short while and then saw that his world didn't really change all that much. He somehow managed to cope without seeing his Dad. He had me and I was working extra hard to normalize his life and make things good for him.

I will never forget one line son said: "I didn't think it would happen to me." WELL, if anything will break your heart that was it!!!!!

My H fled when this happened. Simply wrote us off like we never existed. I had the work connection at our company which I never knew how I lived through it for 31 months post bomb knowing he had OW and wasn't home and hated me, seeing him there was unbelievably difficult, I literally walked around scared everyday. I am glad I don't work with him anymore and it's been 16 months, at first it was very hard. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

Son sometimes went 3+ months and H didn't make contact with him. AND, I never ever told H to contact son or called H to man-up and see him. I never told him he was hurting son, he wouldn't have believed me. I never inquired why. I let it go. I let H be in his world alone. ALONE, from us that is.

Son has never been isolated from the truth in our sitch. Some here would disagree with this completely. I chose to be honest and tell it like it was. My son is remarkable and knowing him and understanding him, I knew he could and would handle it well. It was all about the approach and content of out talks. I have been his rock. I have the excellant relationship with son. H has a very distant unknowing relationship with his only son. This is a consequence. Has son suffered any....No. Has H suffered any....Oh, Yes!!

I think it might be time for you to gently tell your little son something about what is going on. Give him some credit to be able to handle it. Answer any and all of his questions. I understand how hard this is. Our kids are far wiser than we realize. Little son cannot expect Dad anymore. H isn't putting son's feelings and needs before his own right now. Son needs to learn not to have expectations either. If H hears you told son the truth and comes at you in anger about your choice, simply tell H. "As the guardian parent, I decided it was time son knew why you are not home." Then walk away. Do not engage H further!!

The bottom line...as raw as this is....your son will be affected by this sitch. You can continue to protect him with untruths or face it with him telling him what is going on. He will be fine as long as he has you. Your H is the one losing out. Even our kids are involved in our marital breakup and hard as we try we can't protect them from it. NO EXPECTATIONS is healthier than EXPECTING and receiving NOTHING!!! DISAPPOINTMENT HURTS!!!

I don't regret for a second telling son. Sure he has grown up a bit faster. It's not a bad thing. He has still had a great childhood, thanks to his rock.....ME!!!!

The next time son asks about Daddy's whereabouts or when's Daddy coming is the perfect time for a little chat.

In my case one day after school I sat son down and told him I had something to tell him and then did. Seeing son cry was very hard, it felt better that it was out in the open and we could learn to live separate from H and talk about it when son wanted to....or not. We have had many chats over the past 4 years now.
I can't say they all went well. It's par for the course. Parenting alone sucks!!!

Have a good day today.....

Take care, please....

Sanderika