Also I'm really noT sure how attached she is to the other guy. She says she isn't but well we all know how that goes.
Do not spend one more minute thinking about the OM or how your W feels about him. It will make you crazy. OK, if you must, go to the driving range tomorrow and think of him while you hit a bucket. After that, no more pity party. You have more important things to spend your time on. Peace.
For sure, no booze, and for God's sake, if you do, then turn off your phone. Remember, don't panic. Fear makes us do stupid stuff.
Couldn't agree more on these points. It also works the other way round. I had a torrent of abuse thrown at me by my W's friend. Lots of bad spelling, bad syntax, bad everything. Then I looked at the time - after 10pm and realized that 45% of the txt was written by red wine, 45% by whiskey and coke and the other 10% had some home truths. Since then myself and W's friend have made up, apologized and actually are friends. Still don't trust her and only share what I feel will help my situation and no more.
I think your right. I can never justify her actions. But I can certainly understand her reasoning. She left me a note when I got home saying that, "Im not sure if this is the way to deal with things. Im not sure if I am dropping the kids off and returning . Im not sure if want to come back. My no 1 priority is the wel being and safety of the kids. I want them to be happy. I have messed up but have done so much to keep the family together. There is no denying that you are a better father and husband NOW. I cant risk you taking the kids from. Nor can I have you using the kids as leverage to keep me with you. I deserve to be happy and you do too. I cant stick around (more on this l8r) and hope for this move and your new job, while wondering if your gonna take the kids fro me. It makes me sick to my stomach. You told me to get advice from my family. THIS is what they think. I am given no choice until the move... if you move (bah we planned on moving to GA, but needless to say the job hunting isnt going easy). I cant do this, it mentally and physically makes me sick. I love you as their father but I cant feel more. I havent felt anything for years, you know this. It is something that I am positive will never come back. I cant stay unhappy forever. I will do anything in my power to make sure the kids have the best chance possible at hapiness. Im not sure where I go from here. I need space and time PLEASE."
I sent her an email saying this to her
I wont pretend to know what you are going through right now. I thought maybe i understood for awhile but I don't. I cant imagine how hard it was to take the kids from me. I know you must feel torn between your duties as a mommy and your own desires. I'm not sure what to do or if I should do anything. I'm not sure what to tell you or if you should even listen to me. I want to help you Melissa. I want to be there for the kids. I'm not sure how to be a father or a husband this far away from you guys. What I can be though Melissa is a friend. Sometimes family are looking out for what will make you happy in the short term, instead of whats right in the long run (mines trying).
Take the next couple of days Melissa and think things through. Stay calm, Cool off. Dont do anything rash. Search your soul, clear your head, pray to God, spend time with the kids (for me too) and talk with your Mom and brother. I think you understand the consequences. I'm responsible for much of what is happening right now, for the most part Ive taken the family down this path. I messed up and you hold our families future in your hands now.
The hardest thing for me is to give up trying to control our lives. I really had no choice in the matter but maybe that's for the best. I will give you your time and space for now. Please take care of the kids, but most of all please take care of yourself. You know how I feel about you guys. Anything you need...
Not sure about the "instructions" stay cool, calm off etc. I feel mine would have replied (or actually not replied) in the early days with something like "how dare you tell me what to do". She was that riled up with me and the situation I'd put her in.
How are you with SMS's? :-)
"Time and space" and some peace to sort things out in W's head. She really does need to work things out herself without pressure or what she may consider to be manipulations.
About the whole pile of things she's throwing at you - my W did exactly the same - every little issue going back 8 years. Since then the W worked out that the one thing that she has an issue with was my lack of respect. I feel that my W has had time to work out this all on her own. Wonderful woman that she is.
It's such a tightrope I feel you're on. Been there, done that.
Your point about my email is spot on. Shouldnt have said that.
I honestly believe that she has every right to throw whatever she feels she needs to throw at me from over the years. How I treated her was wrong.
Honeslty I had no idea what it took to be a real man, husband or father until right before this happened. I was very selfish and self centered. I was just skating along through life with no real worries but providing for my family. I provided plenty of money all right and all it got me is half million dollar house, beautiful cars, huge tvs in every room with no one to share it with. I would give up everything we worked for to just start again.
She tried changing me for so long and I just couldnt hear her. Now Im ready and she wont hear me. Whatever. Gotta go and pretend to do some damn work.
Right on the nose about taking everything thrown at you. And BOY did I get things thrown at me.
Advice I got was to listen, validate and a stack of other things. I really wish my W would vent! I feel she's still in "numb" mode but getting there (check thread in newcomers - Ray of Hope).
Funny - but I find in retrospect that I was the same type of person that you were. Notice how many "was" words in our posts. All that guff is in the past. My faults has been digested and taken on board and fixed there. I don't feel any need to keep rehashing the past. Dealing with it with my W is another matter however. I'll deal with that when it happens.
It's the future that matters now to all of us.
It's up to our significant others to find it in themselves to join us in partnership for that future.
All we can do is soldier on and make ourselves into a "new and desirable" person that is simply irresistible :-).
No more "woe is me" and thrashing ourselves for past wrongs. Deal with what we need to do to us. Make sure others see those changes and it WILL get back to the "other half".
Managed to get myself to work this morning. Tried so many times last night to go to sleep but I couldnt. I kept walking into my boys Dallas Cowboys blue painted room with stupid T.O posters on the wall and looking at the spots where their beds were. I would then promptly walk over to my baby girls room with her tinkerbell pink wall color, tinkerbell posters and the Dragon Ball Z drawings I did for her. I miss my babies.
I love my boys and my daughter and it kills me to be away from them. Im totally reliant on her for my connection to them now.
Ive sent her only one txt message.
One phone call. And one email since I came home to find them gone.
