My Hope Fades....WAW sees no options but D.

[Kevin MT]

My WAW and I have now been separated for 6 weeks. I’d be lying if I said my drinking problems had nothing to do with it, but my councilor and I feel that it’s the ‘normal’ problems such as communication and meeting each other’s needs that is the bigger problem right now. The pattern that we found ourselves in was this;

1) I’d go through some sort of emotional trauma and decide that drinking was the right way to handle it.
2) I’d be horrified at the way I would continue to drink in the face of my marriage collapsing and stop.
3) After 2 or 3 months of sobriety our ‘regular’ marriage issues would come up. Her feeling like I don’t enjoy spending time with her. That we were no longer friends and lovers but just business partners.
4) I would convince myself that there was no sense in me not drinking if we were going to just be miserable and get a divorce anyway – so I’d fall off the wagon and start the whole vicious cycle again.

We started seeking marriage counseling in March of 2008. At the time my wife wanted me to move out of the house, get an apartment and stay sober for something like a year to prove that I could do it. Last year I was absolutely certain there was no way I could stay sober living by myself in apartment (something I’m doing quite successfully this year). I moved into an apartment in April of 08. Then my SIL died in solo car accident while she was extremely drunk and nothing has been the same since. It was devastating for the entire family. I managed to stay sober a few months, moved back into our house in September of 08 then proceeded to reenact the cycle that I listed above.

So I have two battles to wage here. First and foremost, I must stay sober. Nothing in my marriage can change if I don’t do that. I’m doing real well with that. I have established a very good support group of friends and I really feel like I’m staying sober for ME this time, rather then out of an ultimatum or fear of getting a divorce. I’ve been working out a lot and I’ve gotten in good shape by taking good care of myself. I’m growing spiritually and I can really see a huge change in my self respect. For the most part, I feel good about myself and the progress I’m making. For the first time in years I like myself (most days).

Obliviously my wife needs more than 5 weeks of me staying sober to convince her that I’ve changed fundamentally. I get that, and I agree. I’m not even saying that I WANT to move back in the house right now. It’s become obvious that there was no way that she and I could get healthy around each other. I could not stay sober for myself, and she could not ask me to take care of her needs for fear that her request would cause me to relapse. I’m exactly where I need to be right now.

For the most part, I have hope that we can make it through this. I’ve talked to folks with drinking problems that have cleaned up and been able to salvage their M and they’re very happy now. I’ve seen stories on these forums of folks in with similar SITCHs that seem to be making progress. But then there are days like today, and my hope fades considerably.

She dropped the big D on me 7/12/09. It was the first time she didn’t say IF she decided to file. She told me she WAS going to file. So far, she hasn’t done it. We have all the paper work filled out, she has a call into the ATTY but he hasn’t called back. She’s starting to have second thoughts about filing now because of the financial aspect of it. She won’t have health insurance. She doesn’t have a job right now so she wouldn’t be able to refinance the house. She told me tonight that if she thought I wouldn’t get some sort of hope that we’d reconcile in 3 or 4 months she wouldn’t feel the need to file, but obviously she can’t change how I feel, or if I have hope for us or not.

She started to show a little genuine concern tonight when I told her that it didn’t seem fare for the kids. We have two (D7 & D5) children who don’t have a choice on whether we get a divorce or not. I also said that I was afraid that if she decided to file and we moved on with our lives after a divorce, that we’d regret not doing everything it takes. It seems that we have so many reasons to keep working on our M and so very few reasons to go with the big D.

Right now, my only goal is to get her to agree to go back to counseling. We’re both still seeing our original C on an individual basis. My goal isn’t to stay married, or stave off divorce, but to get her to consider the fact that there are other options and then we can see what happens after some time.

I’ve read both DB and DR and I’m doing a lot of 180 and LRT. Until today I hadn’t seen her for 4 days and I’d not called her directly – just answered her calls and returned her voicemail. I’m STRONGLY resisting the urge to call her now and continue the conversation we had earlier about fighting through these hard times, if not for each other, for the kids. A few weeks back she was calling me asking me to go swimming with her and the girls, or go on bike rides with the girls and that kind of stuff. I was seeing the progress, but somewhere between then and now she’s decided that she has to file. She told me tonight that she feels she’d be ‘leading me on’ if she didn’t file.

I’ve heard not to believe anything she says, and only half of what she does. She tells me that she doesn’t love me. She says she doesn’t wants a divorce, but the fact is – we’re NOT divorced yet and I have to think if she wanted to be so badly we would be.

I’m just looking for some inspiration and a little hope. The days are starting to get awfully long and painful and this seemed like a good place to take my story. I’m trying real hard to keep my time occupied, call friends for support (in the past I’d call her and that didn’t work out so good) but I’m having a hard time being patient….I know I have to be, but knowing and doing are two different things.

Any words would be most welcome.

[Kevin MT]

One of my biggest problems right now is that I'm reading all kinds of books on the BigD and I keep thinking...if she would just READ this she'd see what I'm talking about.

I didn't realize how hard it was to be patient until now. I thought I had accepted the situation but then I have a day like today and it feels like my stomach is tied up in knots.

[K4D]

You are at the right place. Don't show her the books. Those are for you and you only. They will more than likely only upset her if she is set in her mind right now on D. My sitch is somewhat similar to yours via drinking for years, stopping for a few months, starting back. I finally had to move out into my own apartment and I have been staying sober and will. Me and my W couldn't be further apart than we are right now. Keep working on you and following the advice and doing the 180s.

If she is worried about finances right now, that is a good thing. I say this because it buys you more time to change and prove to her that you are a worthy H and won't drop back into that cycle again. Also go to AA meetings. Not for her, but for you. They can give you great advice on how to cope with things in your life.

And that saying believe nothing that you hear and only 50% of what you see is very true. I would have bet a million dollars my W would never be unfaithful. I would have lost that bet. The 50% I believed was when she was standing in front of me. I could see her standing in front of me. Outside that, there was nothing more to believe.

Its a tough and often long road. Work hard on getting a life, but don't give up on your M. If she ever does file, drag it out as long as you can, but don't tell her you are doing it deliberately. That is your secret to keep to buy you more time if you can afford it. Others might disagree. You might get a second opinion on that one.

None the less it is unfortunate that you are here like the rest of us. But you are in a great site for advice and help. Keep posting and people will respond. Also post to their threads and it will help get them to come to yours.

I wish you the best,

Kevin

[K4D]

One other thing. Make patience your best friend. A lot of people are here for years.

Kevin

[K4D]

Something I had to figure out. If you can't stay sober for your W, do it for your daughters. They need a strong father that is in control of his life and can be there for them and lead them in any situation. But I am glad to see you are doing it for yourself. But if doing it for yourself ever lacks, look at your daughters. They want and need a sober dad.

I also have 2 daugters that I have every other week with me.

[goingtofixME]

Do not stay sober for your wife or your daughters. Stay sober for you! That way no resentment can be formed for the choice.

[Gardener]

KvinMT,
Sorry/glad you're here.
I've only skimmed your sitch and I have only two quick comments for now since it's so late (early?):
Patience and more patience. Then patience.
I noticed the drinking references. May I suggest Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpy. His approach resonated with me more than any other. 3 1/2 years for me with no effort, no problem, no looking back.
Talk to you soon.
Courage.

[mac-ct]

You are at the right place. Don't show her the books. Those are for you and you only. They will more than likely only upset her if she is set in her mind right now on D.

Couldn't agree more. I actually tried this with my W. I found a wonderful short booklet called "Change of Heart" buried in a download from one of the other on-line Save Your Marriage sites. I actually bought the crud the guy was peddling and I'm now in the middle of trying to get my money back!

This is the place to be - great people and great advice.

Anyway - back to what I was saying.

I printed out two copies, filled in mine and gave both to W. Her response?

"You didn't fill in some of the answers and some of them are lies"

I promise that what I'd filled in was totally correct in my eyes and I'd swear that on a stack of bibles. Not the point - it's my W's perception that counts.

Keep calm, work on yourself and show patience - LOTS of patience. You and the people you touch will see this and it's all very positive stuff.

Keep your chin up.

CT

[Kevin MT]

Thanks to all of you. I've been going to AA meetings to find suppoprt for my continued sobriety (5 weeks sober as of today) and it's really nice to see the same support here for the other issue in my life - the D. I know deep down inside that this separation HAD to happen for either of us to get healthy. She has emotional issues due to her childhood too that she hasn't looked at closely (Her Grandma tried to commit suicide, her mom tried and now her only sister last spring essentially did kill her self by choosing to get so wasted she rolled her car off the road). As I'm sure you all know, this is SO hard though. I hate the things I did to our M now that I can see it so clearly from this side of the bomb.

Thanks K4D for sharing. I hesitated to mention the drinking when I first started typing, but I'm glad I did now. Honesty is something I've been hitting real hard recently. It's good to see someone else has a very similar sitch.

Gardener - I will definately check out that book. I need all the material I can read right now to keep my mind off of things.

GoingtofixME - I hear you. I tried to stay sober for her (though I didn't realize I was at the time) and it feels completly different (I guess a 180) this time. I like who I am and I'm proud that I'm sober even though I'm going through the worst time of my life.

And to all of you - if you can find a good way to escalate the whole patience thing - let me know.

[K4D]

I hesitated to mention the drinking when I first started typing, but I'm glad I did now.

Don't hesitate to mention things on here. People can't help you if they don't know the real situation. You are not unique in yours. Trust me on that. We are very similar in our situations and there are others as well.

The more info you share, the more good advice you can get.

Kevin